One month and still here

One month ago today we held Faith in our arms and one month ago today Jesus called her home to dance with Him in Heaven. One month ago we doted on her. One month ago we held her tiny self with all the love a family can have. One month ago I kissed those perfect little fingers and marveled at her precious fingernails. One month ago she was here, in the same room with us. One month feels like an eternity!  It feels so long since I have smelled her sweet baby smell and looked upon my daughter's beautiful face. One month and I know so much more now...I love so much more now.

My heart aches for her each and every day. There isn't a day that goes by without drying tears wept over our loss. I still have an open wound where my little girl is supposed to be. However, with each passing day, I am reminded that He carries me and our family. There have been so many days this past month through which I didn't think I could manage. But I have. I am still here. Still walking, breathing, and, even sometimes, laughing. I am still here seeing the golden nuggets God has given us along this journey. I am still here with unspeakable joy and peace for what my Lord has given and for what He has taken away. I have peace that Faith came into our lives in His perfect time and in His perfect way. I rest in this. I so often wonder how people survive something like this without leaning upon Jesus for comfort, without having God's promises on which to cling. I know that our faith has carried us and I cling daily to the promise I will get to hold Faith in my arms again, kiss those perfect little hands, and smell her sweet baby smell.

It happened today. I took Jackson to gymnastics for his Tuesday night class and sat next to the other mommies and daddies watching their preschoolers learn how to tumble, sit in a pike, and blast off from a tuck position. Jackson loves gymnastics and always looks forward to our Tuesday night dates. I, however, have learned that if there is a pregnant woman or a baby girl within a mile, they are going to find me. It has actually become a bit of a joke in our house and almost a competition week to week of how many we can find. Please understand, first, that I love babies and pregnant women. I always have. Now, I react differently when I see them. Now I see baby girls and pray. 'Please, Father, give this mommy and daddy extra love in their hearts, patience in their homes, and let them see the miracle they have before them.' Pregnant mommies are a little different. I almost weep in prayer for them-praying that they never have to endure the loss. Praying that their child is healthy and gets to go home with them (as Jackson would say). I throw myself to kneel in front of our Father's throne and prayerfully request, or just plain beg Him, to spare them sorrow. Funny thing-each time I pray that prayer, I am reminded of all we have learned and gained from Faith. So every time I also pray that, if He would be glorified by their family having a similar journey, that He carry them through just as He has carried our family with bountiful grace. Every time I change my prayer to 'Thy will be done' and I trust Him. As Nonna said "I wouldn't wish this journey upon anyone, but wouldn't trade it for the world."

So, what happened? The little gymnasts wore their Halloween costumes to gymnastics class today. How funny to see a mermaid, Spider man, kitty cats, and our little football player tumbling! This actually sparked some conversation between some of the moms and I. 'Who is yours?', "Oh, you have the princess!", 'How cute!' among the other niceties that mommies say to each other during these proud mommy moments. One of the moms spoke about the hand-me-down princess costume her daughter was wearing. Ridden with guilt, she made up for the costume with precious goodie bags for all the kids. After she shared about their costume debacle, she asked the question. "So, how many kids do you have?" Hmmmm...do I spare her the truth or just lay it out there? So many thoughts and emotions raced through my mind. I decided in that moment that I will always claim Faith and allow God to take the conversations where He may. He may use this question to open the door to our testimony about our journey with our baby girl. He might bring us other parents who have lost a child and a friend who understands the loss. He might just use Faith a little more because He has not finished her story, people she still needs to touch. Perhaps His glory is at stake in these conversations and someone needs to hear how mighty and merciful our Jesus is in our daily lives. So, I openly and honestly told the other mom that I am learning how to answer that question. "My husband and I have two children. Our son, Jackson, is 3 and our daughter, Faith, was born a month ago and is dancing with Jesus in Heaven." She looked shocked for a moment and gave her condolences. She then did the greatest thing another person could do. She asked about our baby girl. Oh, what a gift she gave...

I continue to thank God for giving us all of you in our lives! You have enriched our family and our faith beyond measure. When our hearts break open and we feel the depth of our hurt, you are all there praying for us and encouraging us. Thank you doesn't come close to expressing our gratitude. So many of you have opened up and shared personally how Faith Marie has touched you and your family. You have shared how her legacy lives on through changed lives and families. What peace that has brought to us! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I understand what it has taken for you to open up and share with us personally. It is a strange feeling to open up to someone else like I have opened up to all of you. It is almost like walking into the world exposed, without anything to hide or protect the parts you don't want seen. I almost didn't start our blog because Shawn and I didn't want to 'burden' any of you with our pain. My, how I was wrong! Without opening up and exposing myself and our family, we would have missed out on some of God's greatest gifts He had for us through Faith's life. Without opening up and exposing us, I would have missed the chance to do something I love and have missed. I have always loved to write, but I haven't taken the time or had an inspiration to continue writing until now. So, again, I thank you for listening and exposing yourself to us. We are honored you have trusted us so and please know you are all in our daily prayers! You have all left footprints on our hearts and we are grateful for you.

Grateful and still breathing,
L