A Busy Week

Our Family Picture

I love this picture because there was joy the day Faith was born, even with us being awake for over 30 hours!

Shawn baptising Faith.

Shawn reading Psalm 139:13-18 over our daughter as she left to be with Jesus. We know she was perfectly made in His image and every day ordained for her before time began. We take refuge in know the Lord had all of this planned for His glory.



And her perfect foot!



Faith's perfect hand...



So much love for her...

I have been wanting to write to you all for a few days now-desperate to share all that has been happening this past week.  I want you to see all the ways the Lord has weaved beauty in our despair, love in our grief.  Writing to you has become therapeutic to me...a way to keep our memories of Faith alive and our focus on Jesus ever present in the quiet. I'd like to take you back to this past week and walk with you through the busiest time of our journey.

Most people come home after giving birth to a baby and spend at least the first few days or weeks resting.  I dreamed of coming home and sitting with our little girl in the rocking chair, looking at the miracle of her.  Instead, we all left the hospital less than 12 hours after giving birth. Needless to say, our doctor was quite liberal with our hospital stay due to our circumstances.  He knew that we would be more comfortable at home and Jackson especially needed a little home time to digest all that had happened last Sunday.

Shawn and I drove straight from the hospital to the cemetery. It was such an unnatural thing to do, but the only way we could parent our little girl. We needed to finally settle on the resting place for Faith. Just the Monday before Faith was born, Shawn drove by a funeral home and felt a peace there which he didn't feel with our other choice. We had planned to visit the cemetery in the following weeks. Obviously it was not meant to be. So, we drove from the hospital to the cemetery. Needless to say, I lost it. How do you say 'goodbye' when you just said 'hello?' How do you plan for your daughter to be buried in any place, especially when she just entered the world?  At first, I couldn't see the natural beauty of the cemetery. Our other choice was full of bricks, beautiful shrubs, reflection ponds, and fountains. This cemetery was next to the cows! I sat in the truck and cried as I watched Shawn search the cemetery for 'Babyland.' I watched him desperately try to take care of his girl in a way only a Daddy can. I finally pulled myself out of the truck (ok...pretty much fell out), and stumbled right into the 'Babyland' section.

A cool wind was blowing, something it rarely does in Houston, but something that has been happening since the day our angel girl was born. I looked past the cows and saw a field of yellow flowers. I then looked to the right and saw some rolling hills. The sunset was amazing the night my daughter was born. The Lord was truly showing off all of His artistry. I slowly began to realize that this was God's quiet place for us to go and visit her. Shawn loved this cemetery because it is on his way to work each day. He could visit her there and take care of her grave with her closer to us. Again, trying to be a Daddy in the only way he could. We decided to go home and sleep on the decision-hoping the morning sun would bring clear thoughts and resolution for our daughter's final resting place.

We woke Monday morning with as much confusion and heartache. Knowing we needed to touch each place, we left first thing and visited each cemetery with fresh eyes. What an empty feeling. My heart is and was so full of love for Faith, but my arms were so empty. Another day I didn't think I would survive. Once we had visitied both cemeteries, the decision was clear. Faith was going to be buried with the cows. We met with a glorious funeral director, Homer, and began to plan our daughter's funeral.

Tuesday was spent coordinating doctors and hospitals.  There were many tests the doctors wanted to do on Faith so that we can hopefully determine what caused all of her abnormalities. In the midst of time spent on the phone with doctors and hospitals, my focus began to change. I began to think of Faith's funeral as Faith's celebration. I realized I had one day to plan a celebration for all she has been and what she will always be to us. She is our beautiful girl who touched many hearts and lives with her story. She deserved a day full of memories and love, not all sadness and gloom. I will never have the chance to plan her first birthday party, or her graduation party, or her wedding.  I had one day-one chance to show all of our family and friends our baby girl. My sister and her youngest son came to visit and we talked about the details of Faith's day...it all began to take shape.

Wednesday was a day full of shopping. Physically, my body was not holding up without having the rest and time to recover. I knew I had a limited time to plan her day, and sheer willpower would get us through. The first stop was Starbucks, of course! We then did something I never thought I would need to do. We walked into the dress shop and began shopping for a dress for Faith's service. I prayed before we shopped that we would find a dress that would fit at the first store-I simply did not have energy to shop much, especially for such an occasion. I fell apart as my mom and I tried on dress after dress.

My body was simply not ready after having a baby 3 days prior. My body felt strange to me, not quite pregant and certainly not normal. How appropriate...I don't seem to fit in this world either. How do I fit in with normal when there is nothing normal about me? Still here and breathing, but oh so different. There is a part of me missing. An aching hole where there is supposed to be a precious little baby girl. I wonder if the hole will ever get smaller or hurt less. I know it will never go away and I don't want it to. I just wanted to hold her again and shop for dresses that weren't dark or fancy or made for a funeral. By glory and grace alone, we found the dress in the first shop. Another piece coming together for Faith's day.

My mother in law joined us for lunch and the three of us went to the craft store to buy decorations we needed for Faith's celebration. All the little details needed to be perfect. Remember how I obsess over the rainbow order for the sippy cups tucked away in the cabinets?  This was detailed to perfection times ten! Oh Lord, please let this one party, this one day, be full of precious memories. I began to realize through the day that this was my last time to truly be her Mommy here on Earth. Yes, I can go and clean her grave site, bring her flowers, and remember her when the wind blows. But, I will never have the chance to share what she has touched, the songs and verses that have brought us through, or tell her story the way we were able to on Friday. Again trying to be her Mommy...

Thursday was a day full of activity. My sisters-in-law came back to town and our house was humming with activity. We turned pictures into a black and white presentation on the TV, put final details on Faith's Christmas ornament, transformed our dining room into Faith's room of memories, and prepared food for our guests on Friday. Day turned into night and oh so many tears were shed. My favorite part of Faith's room was her blanket. It still smelled like Faith! I wanted to wrap myself up in it and keep it to myself-hoping to keep her here a little longer. Simply a reminder that she was real, she was here and she was loved so deeply. I finally set the blanket on the table-ready to share my girl with all who would enter our home Friday evening. I didn't have a baby girl to show off, but I could certainly let them know her heart and the smell of her blanket. All of the little details were finished about 3 o'clock in the morning. It was finished, nothing more to do until the morning of the day we would bury our daughter. Yet another day I had begun to wish would never have to exist...

The Lord worked in mysterious ways last week. He made our hours longer and our work fast. He brought joy to the planning. How much easier it was to plan a celebration than a funeral! I look back on last week and I am surprised we made it through. Only by the power and grace of Jesus carrying us the entire way. Daily bread, LaTisha, daily bread. I am so depended on the Lord's promises-I keep repeating them over and over when I become overwhelmed with grief. He promises I will get to hold my baby girl again, He promises to be all I need, He promises to be my ever-present help in a time of worry and grief, He promises to catch my every tear, and He promises to love me each step of the way. Big promises that I have come to depend upon-He is truly the only way we are making it through each day. If you had told me 6 months ago that I would be burying my daughter, I would have told you to lock me in a padded room and never let me out. Today I can tell you God is good all the time, especially in times like this. I have learned to lean into Him and not pull away, without having to understand what His plan is. He promises His plan is good in Jeremiah 29 and I am leaning into Him.

My prayer for all of you today is that you are able to lean into our Lord during times of joy and sadness. I am anxious to share with you Faith's celebration, but for tonight, I pray you are able to fully trust in Him to work all things for good. He promised!

With trust in Him,
LaTisha