I have missed writing to you as often as I think about you. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't bow to my knees and thank my Jesus for putting each of you in our lives to love us, pray for us, comfort us, and remind us that we are not alone in this. Thank you, again, for all the support. We honestly wouldn't be standing without you!
I found out Friday that Faith's autopsy came. Unfortunately, I have no idea what it says. Our doctor was out of the office. Apparently, the Lord must still think I need lessons in patience and in waiting for His time. He is probably, I'm sure certainly, right. Tonight, again, I choose to trust Him in this waiting. It is so difficult for me to sit in this moment. I've had a hard time learning about the report that is sitting on a desk in an empty office amongst other papers. Days like today make the hurt so fresh and the time seem so long. I have been told time after time that time will heal us and make it better. I am sure it will, but right now time is just putting distance between us and our baby girl. Time is causing me to forget the intricacies of her tiny fingers. The freshness of all the special moments are beginning to dull and sometimes I feel as though Faith is slipping away from me. The more time that passes, the further away she feels. Yet, when I close my eyes, I can see her face-her imperfectly beautiful face.
People, who honestly have the best intentions, ask us if we are ready to try again. Having another child will not fill this loss-I know that now. Faith has her own special spot in my heart that one hundred children cannot possibly fill. With that said, we do want more children. We would love to watch Jackson grow to love another sibling and watch them grow together. We have seen what an amazing big brother he would be. We will try again, but the thought terrifies me to my core. I know that God is with us and we are not to fear, but I confess to you all tonight that I am gripped by it. I don't know when we will actually be ready to get on the roller coaster of investing in another child. There are so many unknowns and scary statistics. I know that God will provide perfectly for what we need and I completely trust in Him. I'm just being as honest as I can by saying I'm still scared-scared of getting my heart broken, scared of watching our family ride the roller coaster of emotions with us, and scared of all the unknown.
We are learning how to do this day by day. I have learned how to laugh again, how to cry in the car, and how to hide my sad face in a closet so I don't upset Jackson. I am learning how to answer difficult questions and handle new situations with, hopefully, a touch of grace. We will get through this with Christ as our strength and you as our prayer partners. We will make it through this next month of milestones and be stronger for it. We will wait for the results we so long for and yet are scared to hear. My dear friends, tonight I again ask for your prayers. Please keep us lifted in the waiting-it is so hard for us. Please help us focus on God's promises and not the fear that lies ahead. I ask you to pray for peace that surpasses understanding about our life today and our family's future. I also ask for wisdom to understand the doctor reports (when we finally get them!) and clarity on how to move forward.
Your prayers have helped heal us. As broken as I have been today, I'm still standing and breathing. So many days I didn't think I would live through because of my broken heart, and I am here today. I know I'm here, in one huge part because of your prayers.
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I typed this about 2 am Saturday morning and was unable to post before my computer lost battery power. I'm actually glad I didn't post so that I can tell you God works. The weight that I felt in the posting has lifted a bit. It still amazes me of how when we truly hand something over to our Heavenly Father, He listens and lifts the load. Our hearts are still heavy and anxious to hear the report, but we have been carried by Him who has loved us through it all. Thank you again, dear friends, for continuing to bless us with your prayers, love, and support. We are oh so grateful!
With much love,
L
