Our Jackson...

Have I told you about our Jackson? He has been amazing to watch throughout this journey. To understand him, you need to know a little bit about him (and it gives me a moment to be a proud mommy!). Shawn and I were pregnant with Jackson shortly after we got married. I was so sick during the first and second trimesters, but we were so excited about beginning our family. Shawn and I always wanted children and were ecstatic to find out that we were having a boy. We found out, a week after our 20 week ultrasound, that Jackson had a hole in his heart. I was alone for this appointment when the doctor shared the news (which is probably why I no longer go alone to appointments!). I began to research all I could find about VSDs. We spent the rest of the pregnancy worrying about him and praying for the hole in his heart would close. The Lord touched Jackson while we were pregnant with him. We went for a fetal echo-cardiogram shortly before Jackson was born and his heart was healed! God was so faithful and healed our little boy's heart. The rest of the pregnancy was less eventful until...

My water broke at almost 34 weeks. Shawn and I rushed to the hospital and I went in to full labor. After a day of laboring, Jackson's heart rate dropped and we had to have an emergency C-section. We were so worried and scared that day-not knowing what would happen to him. I know, looking back now, that the Lord had us in His hands the entire time. He was using Jackson's delivery to prepare us for Faith. Oh how He works in wonderful ways! Jackson spent over 2 weeks in the hospital before he was strong enough to come home.

During his first months at home, Jackson had to eat around the clock at 11, 2, 5, and 8. I don't think we ever slept! He was also on a heart monitor due to his apnea and premature lungs for 10 months. He still battles with asthma. Jackson is 3 years old and has endured 4 surgeries-he knows so many doctors by name!

I share this with you so that you can understand why Shawn and I were hesitant to tell him about Faith. One doctor advised us to tell him she was sick and wouldn't be able to come home. Another doctor advised us to tell him she had heart problems and couldn't breath. How could we tell him any of this? Jackson has heart issues-he still has a murmur and we are going to a cardiologist for a check-up in January. Jackson has a hard time breathing sometimes. Mommy and Daddy are sometimes sick, too. What if we tell him she is sick and he begins to worry that he will die or that we will die? It was too much for a 3 year old to handle. Shawn and I prayed about what to tell Jackson and how to involve him in Faith's life. We wanted him to love her and know her, but we also wanted to protect him from the hurt we were feeling and knew he would feel. As parents, we wanted to shield him from the pain. We soon knew that there was no shield for this. We were going to walk this as a family and pray for God's hand to be upon us and upon Jackson. Our prayers began to change and we asked God for wisdom and guidance. We also petitioned Him to give Jackson insight and understanding beyond his 3 years of life. God answered our prayers!

You see, Jackson was excited to have a baby. He had picked out toys to share with him or her, knew which room in the house would be the nursery, and kept reminding us that he was going to be big at Christmas time and hold the baby. He was thrilled to be a big brother and we were excited about how tender he would talk about the baby. We knew the night we told him about Faith, he would be confused and crushed. I think that is why Shawn and I dreaded that evening so much. We watched Jackson's heart break that night.

Shawn held Jackson in his lap the day we told him about Baby Faith. We told him that most mommies and daddies bring their babies home, but our baby was very special. She was going to go live with Jesus. Our baby had many 'owies' and the doctors couldn't help her. The doctors can help Jackson and his 'owies' with band aids and medicine, but Faith's 'owies' were too big. So, Faith gets to go and live with Jesus. From that day, Jackson kept asking me if Faith was in my tummy. At random moments, he would make sure Faith would go be with Jesus. We would see pregnant mommies in the store and he would ask about their babies. Do they get to take their baby home or is she going to be with Jesus? It was so difficult to watch him try to understand why our baby was so special. He did great, though. With a smile on his face he would tell strangers that our baby, Baby Faith, was going to live with Jesus.

We began to prepare him for the hospital time and and what would happen afterwards. Thank goodness for the movie 'Barnyard.' One of the cows dies and the other animals have a funeral. It shows the other animals being sad and bringing flowers to the buried cow. One Saturday morning, we began to talk about the funeral with Jackson. After someone goes to be with Jesus, we put their body in a box and put dirt on it. It sounds so final to say it that way, but we had to prepare him for what he was going to see. His sister was going to be in a box and we were going to put dirt on her...we had to prepare him for this. The dirt became a topic of conversation for a while. He began to ask if it was time to put dirt on Baby Faith.

During this time, my tummy was growing and Faith was moving. When I rocked Jackson to sleep at night, he would put his hand or his face on my tummy and wait for Baby Faith to move or kick him. He was so tickled when he could feel her! He became protective of my tummy and wouldn't let our dog lay too close. He wouldn't let me press on my tummy to get her to move because he didn't want me to hurt her. He began to be her big brother-trying to touch her and protect her from the world. It was all so bittersweet to watch him grow to love her so. He carried his Faith Bear everywhere we went and told anyone who would listen all about her. He prayed for her at all different times-in the car, at bedtime, and randomly. Just a few days before she was born, I heard Jackson ask Jesus to make Faith better. He would pray to Jesus without us prompting him. She was ever-present in his life and in our life. I wanted to hold onto her for Jackson's sake-for all of us. How could any of us let her go, much less her big brother?

The day Faith was born, Jackson slept for about 4 hours during a 36 hour time frame. I know that the Lord sustained Jackson that day because he was in the best mood without having any sleep. He played and played in the hospital room throughout the night before Faith arrived. He didn't want to sleep-didn't want to miss any part of this. After Faith was born, Jackson wanted to see her and know her. He never held her, but would ask to see her. If he couldn't see her or find where she was, he would almost panic. It seemed that day that he was afraid she would leave the room and not come back. Once he realized who was holding her, he would be alright and continue playing. All was well for him as long as Faith was in the room. I think we all felt that way.

The time came to tell her goodbye and let the nurse take her for the final time. We had prepared Jackson for this. The three of us sang 'Happy Birthday' to her and said prayers over her. Jackson gave her his Faith Bear that he had carried everywhere with him the past few months. He asked her to take it to Jesus. It was at the end of the day when he asked us about her eyes.  We told him that Jesus was giving Faith eyes in Heaven for her birthday so she could see Jesus and watch over us. He still talks today about the eyes that Jesus gave Faith that day.

After Faith's birthday, we began to prepare Jackson for her funeral. We explained to him that our big family was coming and that people would probably be sad because we miss Baby Faith. Any time he hears a sniffle to this day, he asks if we are sad for her. It is hard to explain to him that we are sad and happy at the same time. It is actually difficult to explain that to anyone. We are grieving so deeply for the loss of our daughter, but we have an unspeakable joy for what is to come-for the day when we get to hold her again and never tell her goodbye. Strange emotions to try to explain. So, we tell him that we are happy Baby Faith is with Jesus in Heaven, but we are a little sad because we miss her here and want to give her hugs.

Oh, the day of Faith's funeral was one of my proudest as Jackson's mommy. Jackson was excited to have a suit like Daddy's. I actually don't know who was more proud, Shawn or Jackson. My, they looked handsome. I remember helping Jackson get dressed that day. I thought about his graduation day and his wedding day. Maybe I will get help him with his tie those days, too. He's growing up so fast! He looked so big in his suit.

He took a short nap as we drove to the cemetery. As we arrived, Jackson saw Faith's 'box.' He walked with me that day-he never left my side.

We walked as a family. We walked to her casket and knelt beside her. We sat in the fuzzy chairs and listened to the beautiful words and music. We saw the butterflies and pink flowers. Then, Jackson held his pink balloon. He held it for Baby Faith and then he let it go. It was a proud moment for him as a brother-something he could do for her. He knew that the pretty pink balloons were going up to Heaven to Jesus and to his sister.

After the balloon release, it was time to bury Faith. I struggled with letting Jackson watch the dirt go on her casket, but he wanted to stay. He wanted to finish the journey just like we did.

He hugged her casket before it was laid in the ground.

He laid the first rose on Faith's casket.

He knelt by her grave and said a prayer for his baby sister.

He gently helped pour the dirt in her grave.

He grew that day and all the days on this journey. Our boy grew. He grew in his faith for Jesus. He grew in his love for his family. He grew in his understanding of how precious life and love are. He grew! All this time Shawn and I had been so worried about scaring him and wanting to protect him from the sadness. Had we shielded Jackson from this, we wouldn't have seen some of the greatest blessings. Our little boy grew and has such a depth of faith and character to him.

I would have never wished this journey upon us, especially not upon Jackson. But, I have seen the glory of the Lord through this. I will speak of great joys our God has given us through our sorrow for the rest of my life to anyone who will listen. People ask if I am scared or sad to talk about what we have been through. It is quite the opposite! If I can share anything with anyone to help them through a tough time, I am honored. You see, it is my baby girl's legacy and my pure joy to share with you. It keeps her here, keeps me grounded, and reminds me how faithful God is to His promises. I will be Faith's voice to whomever will listen or read because this is the greater purpose for her life. We will share with others and encourage others to see beauty in the ashes. If you dig deep enough and keep your eyes open, there is beauty. Just look at our Jackson!  :)

Love,
Jackson and Faith's proud Mommy