Breathing and Believing!

It is Sunday and I am pleased to report that I am still breathing. Sounds like a silly thing to appreciate, but I do. Last week I had doubts that I could make it. I thought taking a step out of my cocoon would shatter my very existence. I thought I would crumble. So, it is Sunday and I am still breathing. Praise God for being so, so good to us!

I have had some time to reflect this weekend. Thank you, again, to those who have chosen to keep us lifted in the wee hours of the night! I guess I am the most still, quiet, and able to hear His voice when I am sleeping. Most nights I don't argue when I wake up now. I sit and listen to what He needs to say.

I realized and lived out some promises this week. I realized that I could go back to out into the real world and breathe. It isn't easy and I have changed, but I can do this. The Lord has had to literally carry me through this week. Monday and Tuesday were my first days alone since Faith was born. We have been blessed with a loving family and my mom who was willing to endure some craft therapy! If you haven't tried it, craft therapy is a little fun. Mom and I made flower arrangements, feather trees, and some fall decor. Beautiful or not, I don't think I will ever be able to let these pieces go because of the memories attached to them. However, alone time with the quiet has always been my most difficult time. I rested and I knew some hard days were ahead, especially with Shawn being out of town this week.

The clouds rolled in on Thursday. It was a marked change in the weather we have had here in Houston. Since the day Faith was born, we have had clear blue skies. The humidity has been low and so have the temperatures! We have had over 3 weeks of perfect weather. Thank you, Father, and thank you, Faith! Thursday changed...the clouds and humidity rolled in. The temperatures were a bit warmer and the sky not so blue. I knew the weather was bound to change, but appreciate the little details of 'coincidence' our God uses to show us He is with us and knows exactly where we are. He used the weather this week to let me know He was with me all the time.

I went back to work on Thursday and, by the end of the day, questioned if I was truly ready. It was difficult to catch up on what I had missed, make decisions, and see everyone for the first time without Faith. People who saw me very pregnant a few short weeks ago now see a 'normal' me. Most everyone was kind and gracious and some, honestly, didn't know what to say or how to be around me. By the end of the day I was emotionally and physically exhausted. As I laid in bed Thursday night, I wondered if every day was going to be so difficult. I realized that I had dreaded going back to work so much because it was another time I had to say 'goodbye' to Faith. It was a step out of the valley toward the mountaintop. Sometimes climbing is difficult work and sometimes the mountaintop seems so far from the bottom. Sometimes the first step is the hardest because it is leaving the beauty of the valley for the long journey. I prayed and prayed Thursday for the Lord to lift the heaviness that had settled upon me, to bring joy back into my heart, and for Jesus to hold her extra tight. I cried and prayed myself to sleep.

The sun rose Friday morning and so did my heart. My eyes and face were puffy from weeping, but something inside had changed. My God had sustained me and heard all of our prayers. I have been so uplifted by your prayers for strength this week and, I am ecstatic to say, they are working! Friday was easier than Thursday. The second step is sometimes a little easier! I am not saying that Friday was particularly joyful or lighthearted, but the heaviness and sorrow that had settled in for the past week had begun to lift.

I have believed Jesus during our time with Faith. I believed that He could heal her, that He would sustain us, and that He would take care of every detail. Today I have awakened to a new journey with my Lord. I am believing Him again. Yes, there will be sorrow, doubt, and fear along the way, but my God is bigger than all of that! I am believing that His glory has been achieved and will continue to be achieved throughout our time with Faith. I am believing that Jesus is all we need in this life. I need my husband, my kids, and my family, but Jesus is our way to have an eternity together! I can live this short life on Earth in any condition as long as I know I will have an eternity with my Lord and my loved ones. I am believing that people have been touched, have been brought to their knees, and have grown closer because of Faith. I cannot thank you enough for all the posts and messages you have sent testifying to this! I am believing that God has used this for His glory and that is enough to sustain me during the good days and sad days.

I was driving to pick up Jackson on Thursday (probably one of the hardest emotional days of this journey for me, so far). As I listened to some songs we had played at Faith's funeral, I turned my tear-filled eyes toward Heaven. I asked God, "Do you know what you have asked me to give up? Do you see how I hurt so? This is so hard...do you know, Lord? Do you know how hard this is?" In an instant, I heard the answer. Not in an audible voice, but so clearly heard the answer in my heart. "Yes, child, I know your hurt. I know what I asked you to give and I see how you are hurting. I gave My Son for you, so you could live and have an eternity with Me." God Himself knows my hurt. He gave His Son for us. I find comfort knowing He has been there. He knows. He was sad, too. There is glory in the mourning, my dear friends! When days are dark and we our hearts are heavy, Heaven stands to take care of us. He has lifted the weight of my sorrow so I can see His glory!

I pray that whatever circumstance is surrounding your life, you know that God is with you. He sees your every hurt and your every need. He will sustain you, if you invite Him in and let Him. I know I cannot do this on my own. Daily I will give my sorrows and my joys to Him. I will thank Him and praise Him for choosing us to be Faith's parents no matter how much it hurts right now. I know that His glory has been seen by more people than I could have ever touched without her. I know that I will hold her again in my arms and kiss her perfect little hands Heaven. And I know that my Lord will sustain me until we get there!

With love, appreciation, and hope,
L