Preliminary Report

These days I am trying to be a mommy to Jackson and a wife to Shawn...I know it hurts them to see me sad. Truth is I miss her today and every day. I was getting Jackson's plate ready for supper on Friday and had to walk out of the room. I couldn't breath because of the weight of sadness that constantly sits on me. I may look 'normal' and I may sound OK when we talk, but deep down I am sad and miss our little girl. I miss what she was and what she could have been. Oh I want to hold her and rock her so badly!

Dr. Thornton, my OB, called Friday. She prescribed folic acid, DHA, and prenatal vitamins for me to begin now to begin preparing my body for when we are ready to try again. My fear gripped me on Friday and hasn't quite let go. I am praying for God to take it away and I completely trust Him for whatever He has in store for us, but I am scared. The doctor also said the preliminary autopsy results came in Friday. All of Faith's chromosomes were normal. Normal. Normal. There is nothing 'normal' about this. Normal means you go in the hospital, have the baby, and bring the baby home. Normal means you lose sleep at night. Normal means are a sleep-deprived zombie doing bottle duty and laundry at all hours of the day and night. This, this empty feeling, is not normal!

I digress...the preliminary autopsy report came in on Friday. Faith's chromosomes were normal. However, the pathologists at Texas Children's want to do some additional DNA testing on Shawn, Faith, and myself. They are looking at bands on two chromosomes and need some additional blood work from Shawn and I. I asked Dr.Thornton, just for clarification and reassurance, if the tests would hopefully give us some explanation of what happened to Faith. Hopefully they will, but there is no guarantee (such a fitting answer for our journey we have had with Faith). She then told me that we are at a higher risk of something like this happening again. I guess once your name has been drawn out of a hat, you are more likely to be drawn the next time.

I panicked as I got of the phone. I lost my breath and I let the tears fall. I can't do this again. Lord, I can't! Fear took hold of me and is still clenching to me with everything bit of strength it has. I am confessing this to all of you so that you know where we are. Today, I am scared. Scared to find out what was wrong with Faith, if something could possibly happen to Jackson or his children, and scared of trying again. I am clinging to my Lord and His promises all over again. Daily bread-stop looking at the future and getting scared, LaTisha. Look at today and all the Lord has given. I am a blessed woman and I know that He will carry us through whatever the future holds for our family. We will make it through and we will be stronger in our faith and love because of what He teaches us along the way. I know the fullness of spending intimate time with our Lord and Savior and I rest in the fact that He will be there holding us, no matter what comes.

My prayer for your family is that you rest knowing that God has taken care of tomorrow. Whether it is the loss of a job, the loss of a child, or the loss of yourself, God has it and will take care of it all.

Believing Him for all of us,
LaTisha