Four Years and Golden Nuggets

I had every intention of writing to you all tonight, wanting to share with you the details of Faith's celebration. I have come to enjoy writing to all of you, my friends, who have chosen to opt-in for our journey. Whether we know you face to face or if we have yet to meet, you are all so often in my thoughts and prayers. I think about all of you during the day and when I wake at night, praying you are having a peaceful day. I am still overwhelmed with how many of you have chosen to invest in our journey with Faith. Thank you seems so small for what you all mean to me and how much you all consume my prayers!

As I sit down to write to you all, my thoughts have drifted back in time. I want to share all the details of Faith's service and celebration, but I am consumed with thoughts about the past four years. Tomorrow is our anniversary...our fourth anniversary. We have packed so much life into the past four years. Shawn and I moved into our first home after our honeymoon and found out 2 months later that we were expecting Jackson. Jackson arrived prematurely and I finished my master's degree while visiting him in the hospital. Life seemed to settle into a routine until we sold our house a year ago and moved into our new home. God placed us here, no doubt. We are surrounded by glorious neighbors whom we have grown to love this past year. It has been a busy time since we have been together, but busy never prepared us for this...

Four years ago I gave my heart and my life away to the man I love. Funny how the love of that day pales in comparison to the love we share today. You see, Shawn and I received golden nuggets, little trinkets, of goodness during our journey with Faith. We have always had a solid marriage and have wrapped ourselves around Jackson and our families. But something now is different, something has changed. As our journey with Faith began, I told dear friends that we had added a layer to our marriage. I didn't know we needed another layer, but we had one. In the past few weeks, we have added another dimension! I have watched the man I gave my heart to four years ago learn to love me a little more tenderly, love our son more deeply, and love our daughter unconditionally.

Words cannot express how much respect I have for the man I married. The day our daughter was born, he never left her side. He baptised her, read scripture over her, and prayed for her. At the end of our time with her, he chose to walk with her to the morgue. He chose to stay with our baby girl while our nurse, Jamie, undressed her and placed her in the cold room. He then put a smile on his face and a kick in his step to make Jackson laugh. This picture was taken right after he said 'goodbye' to his little girl. What broad shoulders he has to bear such grief for our daughter and bring such joy to our son.

The day of Faith's funeral was tough. This strong man of mine became even stronger that day. He held me during the graveside service. He held my hand, patted my arm, and held me up. He let me crumble by her grave and softly guided me when it was time to leave. Shawn buried his daughter that day. He literally placed her casket in the ground. While I fell to pieces, he took care of us.

Shawn has taken care of us from beginning of this journey. He told me to 'keep my eye on the prize' early in the pregnancy while I was so sick and couldn't get my head off of the bathroom floor. He held my hand the day of the ultrasound as we learned our daughter was not made for this world. Shawn, with tears streaming down his cheeks, held Jackson the day we told him that his little sister was going to live with Jesus instead of coming home with us. He held me in the quiet of the night, when fear would get the best of me, and reminded me that God would take care of it all. He let me rub his fingers raw during the labor for our daughter. He remembered to bring Jackson's 'Big Brother' shirt to the hospital that day. He walked Faith into the cold room. He put our baby girl's casket in the fresh dirt. Oh how blessed I am to be his wife! The Lord has blessed me beyond measure. Yes, I sit and cry as I write this-my arms aching for my daughter to hold. But I tell you I am a blessed woman. I have golden nuggets, Heavenly gifts, from our journey of loss. I have seen a side of my husband, my man, that I would have never known had it not been for our baby girl.

Four years ago I did not know Shawn as the man I know him to be today. I knew he was a good man and I loved him dearly, but not quite like this. I am wondering tonight what I would have done if the Lord had let me see all that was to happen in our lives during the past four years. Would I have opted-in for the ride? I would have missed out on so many blessings and so much love if I had looked ahead and said "Lord, this road will be too hard." Sometimes the hard roads bring out golden nuggets. I hurt and I grieve for our Faith-I want her here so badly. More so, I am thankful my eyes are open to the beauty of our Lord. There is beauty in the dirt...sometimes we just have to get our hands dirty to see it.

I pray tonight for each of you that you are able to see the beauty of the dirt...see how the Lord has intricately woven His plan for good in your life. Often we are in the middle of the journey and can't see the beauty for all the darkness. Raise your eyes up to the Heavens and ask Him to open your eyes to see the beauty of the dirt.

As for my precious husband, my man....I love you and happy anniversary.
Tis