If...

It has been three weeks today since Faith was born and went to be with Jesus in Heaven. I so often refer to her going to be with Jesus. Truth is that she died. She died as she entered this world and there is so much responsibility I feel. I feel as though I let her down, that my body couldn't sustain her anymore. I feel like I should have taken it easy the last few weeks thinking that her arrival was coming soon. I feel if I had been able to physically keep down the vitamins and the food during the first trimester instead of being so sick, maybe things would have been different. I feel as though I let her go too soon. If I hadn't taken a short walk with Mom and Jackson the day she was born, if I hadn't been so sick, if I would have kept my feet up longer and rested more, if.....

Truth is I have always beaten myself up for my mistakes in life. I have shouldered guilt since I was a little girl. Mom only had to give me 'the look' and I knew I had messed up, or worse yet, disappointed her. Dad always told me that they didn't have to really punish me because I punished myself more than they could. While I choose daily to see the strength in having high expectations for myself, I know that I still beat myself up. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and I am learning that they have prepared me for these moments I have had the last three weeks. My aunt gave me an amazing gift the day that Faith was buried (thanks, Aunt Sister!). She told me she was proud of me and my response was 'Gosh, I've messed up so many times...' I didn't understand how she could be proud. She took my face in her hands and told me that the road I have traveled has made me who I am and, yes, she was proud. I have had time to think about this over the past couple of weeks. My aunt reminded me of what I know about my Lord. I know my Jesus better than I ever have because of this part of my journey with Him. I know that guilt is not offered by Him, but is something that I carry all on my own. My job is to give it over to Him-let Him have it. He has cast my mistakes as far as the east is from the west. They are no longer mine to own and I have to let them go.

The 'ifs' in this life...how daunting they are to me! At the beginning of this post, I wrote about how I 'feel.' I am trying to be so open and honest with all of you-my dearest friends. I do 'feel' as though I let Faith down and I do wish with every ounce of my being I could have held on to her longer. However, I know something different. I know that God heard my prayers to not have to bury Faith at Christmas. I know that the Lord Himself timed her arrival so all of our family members could be there with us the day she was born and the week after. God knew she was coming that day when I took the walk. It was a beautiful day and truly just a short walk with my little boy. My walk had nothing to do with her coming that night. I could not have prevented her from coming on September 26 if I had tried. I was not in control...so much for beating myself up!

When I begin thinking that I didn't do enough or what I did do wasn't right, I am reminded of all that God has promised me. I petitioned Him with prayer throughout our time with Faith and I know many of you were on bended knee there with us. We were completely in our Father's hands and He brought Faith into this world and into Heaven at His time. There was truly nothing I could do to alter the outcome of her life.

Something came to me as I am writing to you all, so I hope it makes sense. God is SO good!  As a mommy, I do my best to set Jackson up for success. I pack him an extra shirt and short just in case he gets dirty. I send him with a jacket on a cold morning. I explain to him that we are going into a restaurant and we need to use inside voices. I also talked him through the burial of his little sister-the sights, noises, and feelings we all might have that day. I try to set him up for success by giving him information and time to practice. The Lord does the same with us. Each failure, each mistake, is a practice run in this life. It is a time to learn more about our relationship with Him and a chance to show us He is true to His promises. He, as our Father, sets us up to be successful for the big times in life when it really counts. He set me up with all my successes and all of my mistakes in life to be Faith's mommy-to carry her, to bury her, and to be her voice. Had I not had all of my mishaps, I wouldn't be the person I am or have the relationship with Jesus that I have. As a mommy, I know it sometimes takes a little extra time before we go somewhere to set Jackson up for success. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that He, Creator of Heaven and Earth, took time to set us up for success with Faith. He gave us what we needed to have one perfect day with her in our arms. He gave us the strength and willpower to plan her celebration and He carried us through her funeral. He has carried us through these past two weeks of trying to find a little bit of laughter and joy while mourning our greatest loss. I know that He will continue to be there for us when our feelings begin to overtake what we know. I just pray that we continue to seek Him, His truth, and His ways.

There is peace in letting go of the failures in life. I am choosing today to trust that the Lord is true to His promise of casting our sins as far as the east is from the west. I am certainly not big enough to carry them all! Truth is that He uses broken vessels-He chose to use me and chooses to use all of us if we let Him. My prayer for you today is that you rest in knowing that the Lord is using whatever you have been through to set you up for success. How great it is to know that our Father knows what we need to be successful in this life and is giving it to us now. I wonder what He has in store for all of us next?

LaTisha