My Letter to Faith and Our Song

There is so much I wanted to say to our daughter when she was born and even more I want to tell her today!  I wrote a letter to Faith and read it at her funeral. I have had a few family members ask me to post it, so here it is. I am trying to get to a place to write and tell her more. Emotionally, it is hard for me to go there. Til then, here is my first letter to Faith Marie from her funeral...

My sweet Faith,

Do you know that you mattered in this world? You held weight and you changed people.  Most of us live a lifetime and don’t reach out and touch the people that you have touched and changed.  I know I certainly haven’t. 

You reached people across the world with your story.  People in the Czech Republic, Hungary, Poland, Italy, Canada, Mexico, and across the United States know your name, your story, and your testimony.  I have received letters from people whom you have inspired to reach deeper in their own faith.  Baby girl, you have brought people closer to Jesus and have introduced them to a side of our Savior they may have never known without you.  What a legacy you have!

Faith, you have changed your big brother.  He now knows the power of prayer and the gift of peace.  He has learned so much about Heaven and Jesus’ gifts to us because of you.  Daddy and I were so worried that this journey would scar him and make him sad, but he has been joyful and oh so curious about you. Your brother has spent much time praying for you-not just before bedtime, but at random times.  Last week, before you were born, he raised his eyes toward Jesus and asked Him to make you all better.  His prayers were answered, sweet girl. Thank you for adding dimension and depth to your brother’s life and faith.

You have changed your Daddy, sweet girl. I have seen depth of character, strength, and love that I never knew in him before you. Your Daddy loves his children and his family, but he says it and shows it much more since you’ve been a part of us. Do you know how broken he was the day of the ultrasound? I watched him crumble before my eyes because he hurt so for you. Oh Faith, we both wanted you so desperately here on Earth! After we learned that your body was not meant for this world, I watched your Daddy change. He hugs more, loves more, and cries so much more. He’s not afraid to show his heart. What a gift you have given the world by opening up your Daddy for everyone to see the beauty of his spirit!

Most of all, baby girl, you changed me! You have made me a better daughter, sister, aunt, wife, and mommy. I was also broken the day of the ultrasound-how in the world could I ever let you go? During the weeks we knew your prognosis, something happened in me. I have always walked close with Jesus and depended on him for my everything, but I have never known Him like this. Thank you for teaching me about Heaven and the gift of sacrifice. I have learned through this journey with you how much I love Him and exactly how much I trust in Him.  My precious daughter, I am trusting Him with you. I trust Him to rock you at night and sing you lullabies. I trust Him to tell you about your mommy, daddy, brother, and whole family who love you to pieces. To tell you how Mommy would have loved to paint your toes, have picnics in the grass, dance with you, and plan your wedding day. Oh how I wanted to make memories with you. The funny thing is that I have. You have been to waterparks, slides, weddings, parties, and movies. You have been loved so deeply-in such a different way than any other child. I have stayed up at night rocking you, singing to you, and waiting for you to kick and move in me. You have taught me to treasure each and every moment. We are never guaranteed another day here and we must love while we can. You have taught me that it is so much better to have loved and lost…I can’t imagine how much I would have missed out on if I had not carried you as long as I could.

Faith Marie, I miss you terribly. I want to hold you and snuggle with you-especially in the quiet of the night. I think about the nights we would stay awake together and rock. I think about the first steps you will never take and way you will never cry out my name. Oh how desperately I want you here.  More importantly, baby girl, I am happy you are with Jesus. I know you bring a smile to His face because you have certainly brought smiles to ours. Thank you for letting me be your Mommy and for staying with us as long as you did.  I know it was a long road and you fought every moment to be here. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for giving us as much time as you did. Thank you for kicking me at 3:00 in the morning (I sure do miss that!) and thank you for letting us know you.

You changed us-so many of us.  You mattered, sweet girl…you mattered.

I love you oh so much and I will always will. Long after today-for the rest of my life. I am anxious to hold you in my arms again.

Til then…Mommy loves you!

The song that has carried me throughout this journey is "I Will Carry You," by Selah. Here are the words to the song which we played at Faith's funeral-it speaks so clearly to how I feel about our baby girl. I couldn't have written a more perfect song.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Have a blessed evening and give an extra hug to the ones you hold dearest!

LaTisha