A Tender Celebration

Faith's funeral was 8 days ago and, yet, I find myself clinging to the raw moments of that day. We were given one perfect day with our angel girl-full of laughter, tears, joy, and the deepest sorrow I have ever known. We were also given a perfect day for her celebration-a journey complete. The weather last Friday was warm, not humid at all. There was a gentle breeze which grew stronger when her 2:00 service drew near. The sky was clear blue, the birds sang, the cows mooed, and our family wept. There were moments of joy this day and moments I can't explain other than to tell you we were held in our Father's hand. Another day we didn't think we would be able to survive, but we did. It was a perfect celebration for our daughter-full of raw moments that I would love to share with you.

I stayed up until after 3:00 the night before her funeral taking care of the last minute details so everything could be perfect. My body ached from having her four days before, but I knew I had to press onward. I had this one celebration for her life-no first birthdays, no graduation parties, and no wedding...just this one day to share our baby girl with our family and friends. It seems so final to write that now. I transformed our dining room to be Faith's room. All of the items she touched were set on the table with poems and Bible verses that had carried us through our journey so far. The outfit she wore the day she was born, some pictures from our day with her, and her blanket. Oh, her blanket. I took it out of the box and wept over it-it still smelled like my girl. Four days before her funeral we welcomed her into our family and met her face to face for the first time. My body and my heart ached with what we were about to do.

I woke up about 7:00 Friday morning with a song in my heart. It was strange to me-a day so heavy and so dreaded, but I truly had hymns pouring out of me all that day. A true gift from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't help but sing hymns like "I Surrender All" and "It is Well."

All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I have learned how to surrender my everything to my Lord and Savior through this journey. What more could I give? I have handed my precious baby girl to Him and completely trust Him to love her in such a special way. As a mommy...it is difficult to do. I selfishly want to be her everything, but today and the day of her funeral I choose to trust that my God has a larger plan.

Shawn's family came to our house Thursday afternoon and my family drove in Friday morning to help with the final details. There was a buzz of activity in our home. Some blew up balloons, others placed pictures into a book, and more of our family worked on the slide show presentation. Song lists were finalized and we were finally all ready to go. Shawn, Jackson, and I rode together in our car. I think our family planned it that way. I felt like such a little girl in a very adult world-wishing it would all go away.  All the noise, all the sadness, and, especially, the emptiness.

We arrived at the cemetery with our extended family surrounding the tent. All I saw was the white hearse. If I could have run away, I would. The peace from that morning, and all the hymns, were overtaken with grief. Our family sang angel songs as we walked up to the graveside service. I tried to give as many hugs and greetings as I politely could, but this day was about my baby girl. I couldn't take care of anyone else today. I wanted to remember the sights, smells, touches, and sounds of this day. Once I saw a glimpse of her tiny, white casket, I ran to her. I wanted to hug her and hold her-protect her from the emptiness of the white box. I know that she wasn't there-she never was. I firmly believe that Jesus wrapped His arms around her the moment she was born and carried her to Heaven Himself. My earthly mommy reaction, though, is to protect her. Honestly, looking back, I was probably trying to protect myself. If my arms were around her, protecting her, then my arms would be full and wouldn't ache for her the way they do.

Father Gary and my Uncle Doug married Shawn and I four years ago and now Father Gary conducting our daughter's funeral. He spoke about how he remembered the couple four years ago who vowed for better or worse, in sickness and in health. How could we have known then this is where we would be? He also watched and spoke about how we clung to each other during her ceremony. I was honored when he said we had taken the narrow road...the road less traveled. We have seen glory that we would have missed if we had terminated our pregnancy early. I was honored, humbled, and oh so stricken with grief. Our baby girl laid in front of us in a tiny white casket waiting to be buried in the dirt. How did we get here? How could we do this?

The service was as beautiful as it could have been. We played "Amazing Grace," by Chris Tomlin, "Homesick," by MercyMe, and "I Will Carry You," by Selah (I will surely write more about the last song later-it broke me and carried me throughout our journey with Faith and continues to be mportant to me now). During the ceremony, my eyes drifted to the scenery. I saw trees at the cemetery with delicate pink flowers tipping to top branches. I will never forget the tiny, yellow butterfly that danced through the graves. Such a delicate little one that seemed joyful to be there. I imagined that was Faith-gracing us with her butterfly dance one more time. I felt the breeze and truly feel it was the Holy Spirit keeping us alive and breathing that day. God gave me the details of that day and helped my eyes to notice and remember them.

 

My favorite part of the service was at the end. We had 55 pearly pink balloons to release. I had written a note about Faith and we had stickers for our family to write personal notes about Faith attached to the balloons. Our family sang as the balloons lifted into the perfectly blue sky. There was one balloon that didn't fly away. It just hovered along the grass-not wanting to go too far from us. It reminded me of how close Faith was to us that day (and every day). She never did do things the 'right' way. Oh, what a teenager she might have been! I would gladly take any teenage battle over facing her death. This one balloon danced around the grass, and Jackson almost panicked. The balloons were supposed to go up to the sky-why was this one not following the rules. Thank goodness for Scott, one of Shawn's cousins, for taking Jackson to find the unruly balloon. It helped him rest knowing he could hold onto it for a while.

After the balloon release, we invited family to go to our house for a lasagna supper. I had told our family a few days before that I needed to stay with Faith until the last piece of dirt was laid upon her. I was scared to death of hearing the thumps of dirt on her casket, but I needed to help her finish the journey. Again, doing the only mommy thing I could do for her. I invited everyone to stay if they wanted or leave-I could do this alone if I needed to and I didn't want to burden anyone else with the memory. To my surprise, almost everyone stayed with us. Homer took her casket off of the pedastal and set it upon the ground. He removed the material covering her grave...and there it was. A tiny hole in the ground for our daughter. I knelt by the hole and felt. I felt the dirt and the grass and the emptiness. I knelt and I felt.

I had no idea who had stayed and who had left. After sobbing over her grave, I began to realize that time was slipping by and we needed to do this. Shawn, Jackson, and I kissed her casket one last time. Then Shawn and Homer lowered her into the ground. I can hardly type that sentence without falling apart. I remember so vividly the look on Shawn's face and the tears falling down his cheeks to the tip of his nose. I watched as Daddy's tears fell upon Faith's casket. How surreal this journey has been...

We had single stem white roses for those who chose to stay with us to lay upon her casket in the ground. I knelt by her grave and watched the people we love mourn our little girl. She was ours-all of ours and we all mourn the loss of her. Faith Marie was a sister, daughter, granddaughter, a niece, a great-niece, and a cousin. We were all heartbroken to let her go. Again I found it difficult to watch the people we love so dearly hurt so deeply. I wanted to fix it for them, for me. Yet I knelt by her grave and watched. Oh, Jesus, come now! Come and fill this void we have. Remind us of Your greatness and faithfulness. We need You now, Lord!

 

Then came the dirt...first by our hands and then by the shovel. Homer himself shoveled the dirt onto Faith's casket as tenderly as he possibly could. What a burden he had on his shoulders-to care for us and seal Faith's casket and grave. While he shoveled, Shawn, Jackson, and I helped with our own handfuls and tears. I remember the quiet thumps, but I also remember Homer gently laying the dirt upon her. Funny the things you remember-the kindness of others has been vibrant to us throughout this journey. After Homer finished burying Faith, I laid upon her grave. I smelled the dirt and rubbed the dirt. I wanted to touch every grain of the dirt that laid on Faith-to love it and hug it since I couldn't touch her. I could touch her dirt...

It was time to go. Time to take down the tent and the fuzzy chairs. Time to drive away from our daughter's final resting place. Time to end our time with her. It was so hard to drive away-everything felt so final. There were no more plans to make, no more miracles to pray for, no more flowers to choose. There was no more to do for her. The three of us got in the car to drive home. The three of us...oh how strange that feels still now. For a day, a moment, there was four...and now there are three. Shawn looked at me with his sad face and tried to lighten the air around us. He said, "Well, that was a first." As inappropriate as we have sometimes been in this journey, we laughed.  We laughed to release the sadness and we laughed to make it lighter for our son. He has been such a big, big boy and I can't wait to delight in him with you soon. Jackson needed to hear laughter, so we laughed as we cried all the way home.




Faith's casket spray was important to us. We didn't want it to be full of only carnations and greenery. We wanted her to have a bridal bouquet filled with gardenias and roses. She may never have her wedding day, but she had her bridal bouquet. 

  After Faith's funeral service, we invited friends and family to our home. We thought a few people might show up-this was a different, and difficult situation for many people. We were overwhelmed and incredibly humbled by the friends who came that night. Some drove for hours to get to our house just to see our baby girl and put their arms around our necks. I was delighted to show our girl to everyone who visited us. It was a whirlwind of people and I wanted to sit and visit with everyone. The hard part of being me sometimes is that I want to give 100% to everyone and I didn't feel I was able to give that night. I caught glimpses of people visiting and watching the slide show we put together. I saw people reading the poems and looking at her pictures. I watched as people learned about our girl, our Faith. I am honored to have so many people care about us and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting us share her with you. She is a big deal to us and to for anyone to know the 'us' of today, you've got to know our little girl. She changed us, all of us, and made us better. As difficult as the days and nights are without her, she made us better.

I pray tonight for each of you. We all have our own storms and difficult times to endure. I pray that you are able to see how it has made you better. We have learned to love more and better. We have learned to trust and to rest in the Lord, believing that He is faithful to His promises. I pray that the silver linings of any difficult situation you may have are revealed to you tonight.

Thank you for continuing on our journey, my sweet friends. Thank you for reading and posting and emailing. I can't wait to tell you more!

With much love,
LaTisha