Most of us are completely changed by becoming a mom, even those of us who have dreamed of it all of our lives. Becoming a mom to Jackson changed me forever. The fiber of my being is different. I think, feel, act, dream, and love differently because of him. Yet, I remember when I was pregnant (confession time!) feeling like I wasn't prepared. I had wanted him forever, but didn't know how much my whole life would change. Looking back, I had every right to feel that way because being a mom has altered every aspect of my life. My relationships changed, work changed, and certainly daily chores changed. Oh how I have loved the change! God knew what He was doing making the pregnancy exactly as long enough to begin to love a little person with your whole heart. We, as moms, don't save and protect a part for ourselves. We give it all with reckless abandon. I remember the doctors losing Jackson's heart rate in labor and telling the doctor to do whatever he needed to do to help our precious boy. He could have cut my leg off if that would have saved Jackson and that would have been perfectly fine with me (a little inconvenient, but ok). That was when I knew I had become a mom-scared to death and willing to do anything to save him. Reckless abandon!
When we first learned that we were pregnant with Faith, I had a different feeling. I knew what it was like to be a mom and to love someone so much it hurts. I knew the work load and how it would rip my heart out to leave her at daycare when I returned to work. I knew I would physically hurt me when she hurt. But, part of me thought I might love her a little less (more confession time). I thought there was no way to love another child how I love Jackson. I remember telling my mom that I finally understood life. She must love me less because I am number two. She laughed, of course, and told me to just wait. There are places in my heart I didn't know about yet. I thought I had it all figured out.
Once again, mom was right. As the pregnancy progressed with Faith, even before we knew she wasn't made for this world, my feelings about 'Number 2' grew. They grew to the point of reckless abandon on July 28 when we had our ultrasound and learned all about her. I was ready to do whatever it would take to save her. That's what we moms do! I even thought then that maybe my love for her would diminish somehow. Knowing that we would never get to bring her home from the hospital, love her through long nights, rock her to sleep, and paint those precious toenails might help me to protect myself. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much...
Once again, I was wrong. I love Faith in a special way. I love her with my whole heart. Just because she was 'Number 2' and she wasn't made for this world doesn't mean I am not her mom. I am. I am Faith's mommy and I always will be. I love her with reckless abandon. I couldn't save a part of my heart and protect it from loving her because she is a part of me...such a huge and important part. I understand what mom says now when she tells my sister and I that she loves us the same amount, but in different ways. She couldn't choose between us or love one of us more than the other. How foolish I was to think my heart wasn't big enough. It is. My heart is big enough to love our two children equally and differently. What a journey it is to become a mommy!
So, this is the hard part. Thanksgiving is here in a couple of days and we have so much for which to be thankful. We truly do-this year more than ever before. I can't help to think how this holiday season was supposed to be so different. We were supposed to have Faith with us at holiday dinners. We were supposed to hold her up at the Thanksgiving table and tell God and our family how thankful we are for this little bundle of joy. We were supposed to do so many things...
Now we hold each other's hands and tell each other silly things like "It'll get better." I'm sure it will change with time (more time), but there will always be a missing part. I am a mom and I love her with every fiber of my being. I will always miss her. I know now that even if we have ten more children (Father, that is NOT a prayer request!), there should be eleven. We will always be missing one in our family pictures. We will always miss Faith and I know that won't change.
I hear the holidays are the hardest time when you lose a loved one. I honestly hope so. My original due date was December 15, so we are edging up to a very difficult time. Our first Thanksgiving without her, the day that should have been her birthday, and our first Christmas. It is all so bittersweet. I have an appreciation for life and family now. I see the world a little different-somehow better in a way. Yet, I miss my baby girl. I want to hold her and shower her with Christmas gifts. I want to take pictures of her and her brother under the tree. I want her here. God reminds me every time I say "I want her here," that she is better where she is. She doesn't hurt and doesn't feel sad. She plays and praises our Lord continually for all the good He has done. She is in Heaven and loving it! As a mom, who loves with reckless abandon, what more could I ask for her? Father, please do what is best for my children and my family even if it tears me apart. I trust You that much and will praise You all my days for what you have given and what you have taken away. I trust You. We, as Faith's family, will put our nose to the grind and get through this season. We will have joy and peace. I also know that this is going to be the hardest part-to get through our year of 'firsts.'
My dear friend, who I have yet to meet, had a baby girl around the same time we had Faith. Their baby girl lives in Heaven with Faith now. Through the Lord's perfect design, we have had contact with each other and I appreciate her and her family more than she knows. I read her blog and saw that her request for people to leave a testimony of how their baby girl left a mark on this world. As fellow grieving parents I understand why she did this. We need to know there is a greater reason and cause for the loss of our daughters. We need to try to understand and grasp with our finite minds on this Earth what the purpose was. We won't know until we sit with our God and chat with Him, but we might have a little peace knowing our baby girls touched the world...brought some families closer or brought people closer to our Lord.
So, I am repeating her request on our site. This is the hard part for us-our holiday season of 'firsts' and it would bless us if you could take a moment to share if and how Faith touched your family or your life. We cling to this knowing that God had a bigger plan for her and would love to see a glimpse of it on this Earth. Please do not feel obligated, but we would be so blessed if you felt led and comfortable to write a short note.
My email is latisha.bard@gmail.com
It is Thanksgiving and we are fully concentrating on giving thanks for what we have. We have an amazing little boy and a precious girl. I couldn't be more proud of them! They are my children and I love them each deeply. I love each of you as well. I am so thankful for you this year. You who are reading this and have stood in the gap for us. I am thankful for you who have walked side by side with us. I am so blessed to know you, even if I don't yet know your face. I know I will and I will get to introduce you in Heaven to my beautiful children! Thank you, thank you for continuing to walk with us. We will have brighter days ahead, this is just the hard part.
With such a grateful heart,
LaTisha
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Lifted
I have been wanting to post for a while to let you know what your prayers have done for us! Between Jackson being sick, work, and Holiday prep, we have been a bit busy and I have fallen asleep the moment I sat down.
I have thought about you all so often this week and last. Jackson had viral pneumonia last week and we had many sleepless nights. I knew during the dark hours we were not alone-I knew you were all standing with us. It has been that way through much of these past months. I have trusted what I cannot see, leaned upon what I cannot touch, and listened for His voice when everything was silent. Your prayers continue to lift us and carry us through...I cannot thank you enough!!
Our family welcomes Christmas the first weekend in November (actually the day after Halloween!). Yes, we are part of the crazies that love to hear Christmas Carols, see the trees, and marvel at all the sparkling lights and decorations. I have always felt the magic of Christmas, mostly because my mom and dad made it so special when we were younger. I love seeing everything look prettier and shine a little brighter. I've always enjoyed things looking pretty and seeming magical. My sister calls me a 'bow person.' I like to see and help others see the brighter side of situations. Reality at times is a little too harsh and bows make it sweeter, a little more manageable. For the past few weeks I have been at a loss for my bows. I haven't been able to see the bright colors and sparkles. I have been stuck in the reality pool of empty cradles, death certificates, and dead flowers.
BUT....last week something lifted! I carried a heavy load for 40 days and, magically, something lifted. I firmly believe it was your prayers at work! The first day I felt lighter, I kept waiting for the weight to return. By the third day I was claiming it-God was working! He was lifting the grief to let me see the joy-to let me see the sparkles and bows. While there have been rough moments these past two weeks, the weight seems lighter. Have I told you thank you for the prayers? They are working!!
The beginning of this Christmas season has been a little different in our house. There is joy and sweetness that I haven't felt before. There is also a bit of sadness. Jackson saw the Christmas decorations and began to think that Faith was coming home. He thought since it was Christmas-time, he would get to hold her. It was heartbreaking to explain to him that she would never come home. She now lives in Heaven with Jesus. A few days later, he understood. We were driving to school and Jackson said, "Mommy, Faith is not coming to our house for Christmas, right? She won't come to my house. Faith has a Heaven House. Thank you, Jesus, for Heaven House." Oh thank You, indeed! He has found a way to understand where his sister is and where she will be until we are with her again. With all the hard moments we have had explaining to Jackson the permanency of Faith living in Heaven, there has been an unexplained release of joy.
I see our 3 year old baby boy growing to understand parts of Heaven. I see Jackson learning to appreciate the reason behind the bows and sparkles. I see him looking beyond Santa to Jesus. I see him learning to love fully with his whole heart. Yes, this season is magical and will be a Christmas full of emotions, but it will also be a season that we will hold each other a bit tighter and love each other a little more. God has been so, so good to us. Silent Nights will be a little more precious, Jingle bells will ring clearly, and our Little Drummer boy will play his song a little louder. This will be a season to remember and I look forward to sharing it with all of you.
Thank you again for lifting us up to Him who can heal. We depend on it daily since tomorrow still frightens us at times. You are what we are thankful for today!
With a heart full of gratitude,
L
I have thought about you all so often this week and last. Jackson had viral pneumonia last week and we had many sleepless nights. I knew during the dark hours we were not alone-I knew you were all standing with us. It has been that way through much of these past months. I have trusted what I cannot see, leaned upon what I cannot touch, and listened for His voice when everything was silent. Your prayers continue to lift us and carry us through...I cannot thank you enough!!
Our family welcomes Christmas the first weekend in November (actually the day after Halloween!). Yes, we are part of the crazies that love to hear Christmas Carols, see the trees, and marvel at all the sparkling lights and decorations. I have always felt the magic of Christmas, mostly because my mom and dad made it so special when we were younger. I love seeing everything look prettier and shine a little brighter. I've always enjoyed things looking pretty and seeming magical. My sister calls me a 'bow person.' I like to see and help others see the brighter side of situations. Reality at times is a little too harsh and bows make it sweeter, a little more manageable. For the past few weeks I have been at a loss for my bows. I haven't been able to see the bright colors and sparkles. I have been stuck in the reality pool of empty cradles, death certificates, and dead flowers.
BUT....last week something lifted! I carried a heavy load for 40 days and, magically, something lifted. I firmly believe it was your prayers at work! The first day I felt lighter, I kept waiting for the weight to return. By the third day I was claiming it-God was working! He was lifting the grief to let me see the joy-to let me see the sparkles and bows. While there have been rough moments these past two weeks, the weight seems lighter. Have I told you thank you for the prayers? They are working!!
The beginning of this Christmas season has been a little different in our house. There is joy and sweetness that I haven't felt before. There is also a bit of sadness. Jackson saw the Christmas decorations and began to think that Faith was coming home. He thought since it was Christmas-time, he would get to hold her. It was heartbreaking to explain to him that she would never come home. She now lives in Heaven with Jesus. A few days later, he understood. We were driving to school and Jackson said, "Mommy, Faith is not coming to our house for Christmas, right? She won't come to my house. Faith has a Heaven House. Thank you, Jesus, for Heaven House." Oh thank You, indeed! He has found a way to understand where his sister is and where she will be until we are with her again. With all the hard moments we have had explaining to Jackson the permanency of Faith living in Heaven, there has been an unexplained release of joy.
I see our 3 year old baby boy growing to understand parts of Heaven. I see Jackson learning to appreciate the reason behind the bows and sparkles. I see him looking beyond Santa to Jesus. I see him learning to love fully with his whole heart. Yes, this season is magical and will be a Christmas full of emotions, but it will also be a season that we will hold each other a bit tighter and love each other a little more. God has been so, so good to us. Silent Nights will be a little more precious, Jingle bells will ring clearly, and our Little Drummer boy will play his song a little louder. This will be a season to remember and I look forward to sharing it with all of you.
Thank you again for lifting us up to Him who can heal. We depend on it daily since tomorrow still frightens us at times. You are what we are thankful for today!
With a heart full of gratitude,
L
Monday, November 1, 2010
Masterpiece
I had a conversation months ago with my Uncle Doug about art. I now know the Lord needed us to have that conversation so He could give me a deeper understanding today when I needed it most. One month ago, today, we buried Faith. Funny how God works like this-all of a sudden, the pieces just come together to make sense. First things first, I must apologize to all the people sitting at our church on Sunday. You all had to sit through the sermon because God needed to speak to us. I'm so happy you were there to join us, but please know that the sermon was directed to Shawn and I. Have you ever felt like that at church? God knows exactly where you are and uses everything around you to let you know He is actively working in your life!
The sermon Sunday was about God's masterpiece. The first part of the sermon was about death and how people look when they are dead-how their colors change, they don't move, and they don't breathe. For a couple who watched their daughter die before their very eyes a short month ago, this part of the sermon was particularly difficult to endure. This is how we were to God before He gave His Son to save us-we were lifeless. Through Christ we are alive, saved, and loved with a gift of grace given daily. Oh what a gift grace has been and continues to be!
Much of the sermon was spent on how we are God's masterpiece, His poem. He molds us and shapes us and then, when we are ready, He puts us on display for the world to see His artistry. The pastor and his wife spoke of their son who is a poet. He agonizes over poems until they are perfect-adding and deleting lines until the poem is a perfect reflection of what he feels in his heart. The poems take time, concentration, and heart. Oh how He loves us!
I love the word 'masterpiece.' We are a piece of our Master, our Lord and Savior. To make a masterpiece takes time and patience. Oh has He been patient with me! It still amazes me that He takes time to shape me into a better person. I am honored to think of the time He has spent thinking of ways to mold me...looking for areas in me that aren't quite ready for display. I think about how proud we are of Jackson as parents because this is the closest relationship I can think of to God's relationship with us. We love for his sweetness to be on display! Our God takes the same joy in us-He finds joy in putting His glory on display through us. Thank you, Father, for molding me and bringing me closer to You!
Now, back to my conversation with my uncle. A few months ago my Uncle Doug, an amazing artist, and I were talking about his artwork. He has some gorgeous pieces and I enjoy listening to his inspiration and insight into the art world. I have always wanted to sing beautifully or paint effortlessly...any way to bring beauty to this world. I am certain that, before I was born, I stood in a Heavenly talent line to be a singer or an artist. God had other talents in store for me, I guess. So, in turn, I love hearing about my uncle's artwork. He said the most unusual thing to me a few months ago and it held so much meaning and truth for me today after hearing the sermon at church yesterday. My uncle said, as I remember, that each piece of beautiful art has something in it that doesn't fit. Something in the piece is off or unbalanced, maybe even offensive. This, he said, is what draws us to the painting. We want to make sense of it and find the balance somehow.
God reminded me of my conversation with Uncle Doug today to show me that we are His perfect piece of art. There is a piece in our lives that doesn't make sense. It doesn't fit. It is hard to look at and we want to make sense of it somehow. Only the Artist knows the reason for the unbalance and only the Artist knows why it is there. It is our job to appreciate the beauty of all the colors and textures of His beautiful artwork. We have lost our daughter. It doesn't make sense to us and it hurts, but I am trusting God tonight that He is molding us into His beautiful masterpiece. We needed this part, the right here and right now, to be the family He has called us to be. We needed this part so we can be a display of God's grace and mercy. Whatever it takes, Lord, to bring us closer to You...whatever it takes.
Our family is in His construction phase right now. We were designed before time began, and now He is painstakingly constructing us to be His masterpiece. He has taken so much time to make sure we are 'just right.' Faith is our portion of the masterpiece that is hard to gaze upon. Why did the Artist do that? One day we will know...we will hold Faith in our arms again and we will know. He promised. Our painting is not ready...but we are getting closer. Closer to seeing the beauty and closer to our God.
One month ago today, we buried our baby girl. Oh, how my heart and arms ache for her tonight. It feels in some ways like it was yesterday and time has flown. But, in a greater sense, the time I held her in my arms seems so far away. I feel the time slipping by-her slipping into what people would consider our past. I honestly don't know if she ever will be in our past and I don't want her to be. She is an active force in our family-something God continues to use daily to bring us closer to him, to complete our masterpiece. God brought us a gift this weekend to remind us He is with us and knows how we ache for her. There was a beautiful yellow butterfly that fluttered around our front yard for more than five minutes. She danced from flower to flower and let me get closer to her than I expected. I know He sent the butterfly to show us Faith is here with us and will always be. She is an intregal part of the masterpiece He is busy constructing in us!
I pray tonight that you see ways our amazing and gracious God has worked His artistry to create a Masterpiece in you. You are His precious child and He works all things for good...even when they don't seem right. You are a beautiful work in progress and will make a fabulous masterpiece!
With love,
LaTisha
The sermon Sunday was about God's masterpiece. The first part of the sermon was about death and how people look when they are dead-how their colors change, they don't move, and they don't breathe. For a couple who watched their daughter die before their very eyes a short month ago, this part of the sermon was particularly difficult to endure. This is how we were to God before He gave His Son to save us-we were lifeless. Through Christ we are alive, saved, and loved with a gift of grace given daily. Oh what a gift grace has been and continues to be!
Much of the sermon was spent on how we are God's masterpiece, His poem. He molds us and shapes us and then, when we are ready, He puts us on display for the world to see His artistry. The pastor and his wife spoke of their son who is a poet. He agonizes over poems until they are perfect-adding and deleting lines until the poem is a perfect reflection of what he feels in his heart. The poems take time, concentration, and heart. Oh how He loves us!
I love the word 'masterpiece.' We are a piece of our Master, our Lord and Savior. To make a masterpiece takes time and patience. Oh has He been patient with me! It still amazes me that He takes time to shape me into a better person. I am honored to think of the time He has spent thinking of ways to mold me...looking for areas in me that aren't quite ready for display. I think about how proud we are of Jackson as parents because this is the closest relationship I can think of to God's relationship with us. We love for his sweetness to be on display! Our God takes the same joy in us-He finds joy in putting His glory on display through us. Thank you, Father, for molding me and bringing me closer to You!
Now, back to my conversation with my uncle. A few months ago my Uncle Doug, an amazing artist, and I were talking about his artwork. He has some gorgeous pieces and I enjoy listening to his inspiration and insight into the art world. I have always wanted to sing beautifully or paint effortlessly...any way to bring beauty to this world. I am certain that, before I was born, I stood in a Heavenly talent line to be a singer or an artist. God had other talents in store for me, I guess. So, in turn, I love hearing about my uncle's artwork. He said the most unusual thing to me a few months ago and it held so much meaning and truth for me today after hearing the sermon at church yesterday. My uncle said, as I remember, that each piece of beautiful art has something in it that doesn't fit. Something in the piece is off or unbalanced, maybe even offensive. This, he said, is what draws us to the painting. We want to make sense of it and find the balance somehow.
God reminded me of my conversation with Uncle Doug today to show me that we are His perfect piece of art. There is a piece in our lives that doesn't make sense. It doesn't fit. It is hard to look at and we want to make sense of it somehow. Only the Artist knows the reason for the unbalance and only the Artist knows why it is there. It is our job to appreciate the beauty of all the colors and textures of His beautiful artwork. We have lost our daughter. It doesn't make sense to us and it hurts, but I am trusting God tonight that He is molding us into His beautiful masterpiece. We needed this part, the right here and right now, to be the family He has called us to be. We needed this part so we can be a display of God's grace and mercy. Whatever it takes, Lord, to bring us closer to You...whatever it takes.
Our family is in His construction phase right now. We were designed before time began, and now He is painstakingly constructing us to be His masterpiece. He has taken so much time to make sure we are 'just right.' Faith is our portion of the masterpiece that is hard to gaze upon. Why did the Artist do that? One day we will know...we will hold Faith in our arms again and we will know. He promised. Our painting is not ready...but we are getting closer. Closer to seeing the beauty and closer to our God.
One month ago today, we buried our baby girl. Oh, how my heart and arms ache for her tonight. It feels in some ways like it was yesterday and time has flown. But, in a greater sense, the time I held her in my arms seems so far away. I feel the time slipping by-her slipping into what people would consider our past. I honestly don't know if she ever will be in our past and I don't want her to be. She is an active force in our family-something God continues to use daily to bring us closer to him, to complete our masterpiece. God brought us a gift this weekend to remind us He is with us and knows how we ache for her. There was a beautiful yellow butterfly that fluttered around our front yard for more than five minutes. She danced from flower to flower and let me get closer to her than I expected. I know He sent the butterfly to show us Faith is here with us and will always be. She is an intregal part of the masterpiece He is busy constructing in us!
With love,
LaTisha
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