I have missed writing to you as often as I think about you. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't bow to my knees and thank my Jesus for putting each of you in our lives to love us, pray for us, comfort us, and remind us that we are not alone in this. Thank you, again, for all the support. We honestly wouldn't be standing without you!
I found out Friday that Faith's autopsy came. Unfortunately, I have no idea what it says. Our doctor was out of the office. Apparently, the Lord must still think I need lessons in patience and in waiting for His time. He is probably, I'm sure certainly, right. Tonight, again, I choose to trust Him in this waiting. It is so difficult for me to sit in this moment. I've had a hard time learning about the report that is sitting on a desk in an empty office amongst other papers. Days like today make the hurt so fresh and the time seem so long. I have been told time after time that time will heal us and make it better. I am sure it will, but right now time is just putting distance between us and our baby girl. Time is causing me to forget the intricacies of her tiny fingers. The freshness of all the special moments are beginning to dull and sometimes I feel as though Faith is slipping away from me. The more time that passes, the further away she feels. Yet, when I close my eyes, I can see her face-her imperfectly beautiful face.
People, who honestly have the best intentions, ask us if we are ready to try again. Having another child will not fill this loss-I know that now. Faith has her own special spot in my heart that one hundred children cannot possibly fill. With that said, we do want more children. We would love to watch Jackson grow to love another sibling and watch them grow together. We have seen what an amazing big brother he would be. We will try again, but the thought terrifies me to my core. I know that God is with us and we are not to fear, but I confess to you all tonight that I am gripped by it. I don't know when we will actually be ready to get on the roller coaster of investing in another child. There are so many unknowns and scary statistics. I know that God will provide perfectly for what we need and I completely trust in Him. I'm just being as honest as I can by saying I'm still scared-scared of getting my heart broken, scared of watching our family ride the roller coaster of emotions with us, and scared of all the unknown.
We are learning how to do this day by day. I have learned how to laugh again, how to cry in the car, and how to hide my sad face in a closet so I don't upset Jackson. I am learning how to answer difficult questions and handle new situations with, hopefully, a touch of grace. We will get through this with Christ as our strength and you as our prayer partners. We will make it through this next month of milestones and be stronger for it. We will wait for the results we so long for and yet are scared to hear. My dear friends, tonight I again ask for your prayers. Please keep us lifted in the waiting-it is so hard for us. Please help us focus on God's promises and not the fear that lies ahead. I ask you to pray for peace that surpasses understanding about our life today and our family's future. I also ask for wisdom to understand the doctor reports (when we finally get them!) and clarity on how to move forward.
Your prayers have helped heal us. As broken as I have been today, I'm still standing and breathing. So many days I didn't think I would live through because of my broken heart, and I am here today. I know I'm here, in one huge part because of your prayers.
_______________________________________________________________________
I typed this about 2 am Saturday morning and was unable to post before my computer lost battery power. I'm actually glad I didn't post so that I can tell you God works. The weight that I felt in the posting has lifted a bit. It still amazes me of how when we truly hand something over to our Heavenly Father, He listens and lifts the load. Our hearts are still heavy and anxious to hear the report, but we have been carried by Him who has loved us through it all. Thank you again, dear friends, for continuing to bless us with your prayers, love, and support. We are oh so grateful!
With much love,
L
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
So, this is the hard part...
Most of us are completely changed by becoming a mom, even those of us who have dreamed of it all of our lives. Becoming a mom to Jackson changed me forever. The fiber of my being is different. I think, feel, act, dream, and love differently because of him. Yet, I remember when I was pregnant (confession time!) feeling like I wasn't prepared. I had wanted him forever, but didn't know how much my whole life would change. Looking back, I had every right to feel that way because being a mom has altered every aspect of my life. My relationships changed, work changed, and certainly daily chores changed. Oh how I have loved the change! God knew what He was doing making the pregnancy exactly as long enough to begin to love a little person with your whole heart. We, as moms, don't save and protect a part for ourselves. We give it all with reckless abandon. I remember the doctors losing Jackson's heart rate in labor and telling the doctor to do whatever he needed to do to help our precious boy. He could have cut my leg off if that would have saved Jackson and that would have been perfectly fine with me (a little inconvenient, but ok). That was when I knew I had become a mom-scared to death and willing to do anything to save him. Reckless abandon!
When we first learned that we were pregnant with Faith, I had a different feeling. I knew what it was like to be a mom and to love someone so much it hurts. I knew the work load and how it would rip my heart out to leave her at daycare when I returned to work. I knew I would physically hurt me when she hurt. But, part of me thought I might love her a little less (more confession time). I thought there was no way to love another child how I love Jackson. I remember telling my mom that I finally understood life. She must love me less because I am number two. She laughed, of course, and told me to just wait. There are places in my heart I didn't know about yet. I thought I had it all figured out.
Once again, mom was right. As the pregnancy progressed with Faith, even before we knew she wasn't made for this world, my feelings about 'Number 2' grew. They grew to the point of reckless abandon on July 28 when we had our ultrasound and learned all about her. I was ready to do whatever it would take to save her. That's what we moms do! I even thought then that maybe my love for her would diminish somehow. Knowing that we would never get to bring her home from the hospital, love her through long nights, rock her to sleep, and paint those precious toenails might help me to protect myself. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much...
Once again, I was wrong. I love Faith in a special way. I love her with my whole heart. Just because she was 'Number 2' and she wasn't made for this world doesn't mean I am not her mom. I am. I am Faith's mommy and I always will be. I love her with reckless abandon. I couldn't save a part of my heart and protect it from loving her because she is a part of me...such a huge and important part. I understand what mom says now when she tells my sister and I that she loves us the same amount, but in different ways. She couldn't choose between us or love one of us more than the other. How foolish I was to think my heart wasn't big enough. It is. My heart is big enough to love our two children equally and differently. What a journey it is to become a mommy!
So, this is the hard part. Thanksgiving is here in a couple of days and we have so much for which to be thankful. We truly do-this year more than ever before. I can't help to think how this holiday season was supposed to be so different. We were supposed to have Faith with us at holiday dinners. We were supposed to hold her up at the Thanksgiving table and tell God and our family how thankful we are for this little bundle of joy. We were supposed to do so many things...
Now we hold each other's hands and tell each other silly things like "It'll get better." I'm sure it will change with time (more time), but there will always be a missing part. I am a mom and I love her with every fiber of my being. I will always miss her. I know now that even if we have ten more children (Father, that is NOT a prayer request!), there should be eleven. We will always be missing one in our family pictures. We will always miss Faith and I know that won't change.
I hear the holidays are the hardest time when you lose a loved one. I honestly hope so. My original due date was December 15, so we are edging up to a very difficult time. Our first Thanksgiving without her, the day that should have been her birthday, and our first Christmas. It is all so bittersweet. I have an appreciation for life and family now. I see the world a little different-somehow better in a way. Yet, I miss my baby girl. I want to hold her and shower her with Christmas gifts. I want to take pictures of her and her brother under the tree. I want her here. God reminds me every time I say "I want her here," that she is better where she is. She doesn't hurt and doesn't feel sad. She plays and praises our Lord continually for all the good He has done. She is in Heaven and loving it! As a mom, who loves with reckless abandon, what more could I ask for her? Father, please do what is best for my children and my family even if it tears me apart. I trust You that much and will praise You all my days for what you have given and what you have taken away. I trust You. We, as Faith's family, will put our nose to the grind and get through this season. We will have joy and peace. I also know that this is going to be the hardest part-to get through our year of 'firsts.'
My dear friend, who I have yet to meet, had a baby girl around the same time we had Faith. Their baby girl lives in Heaven with Faith now. Through the Lord's perfect design, we have had contact with each other and I appreciate her and her family more than she knows. I read her blog and saw that her request for people to leave a testimony of how their baby girl left a mark on this world. As fellow grieving parents I understand why she did this. We need to know there is a greater reason and cause for the loss of our daughters. We need to try to understand and grasp with our finite minds on this Earth what the purpose was. We won't know until we sit with our God and chat with Him, but we might have a little peace knowing our baby girls touched the world...brought some families closer or brought people closer to our Lord.
So, I am repeating her request on our site. This is the hard part for us-our holiday season of 'firsts' and it would bless us if you could take a moment to share if and how Faith touched your family or your life. We cling to this knowing that God had a bigger plan for her and would love to see a glimpse of it on this Earth. Please do not feel obligated, but we would be so blessed if you felt led and comfortable to write a short note.
My email is latisha.bard@gmail.com
It is Thanksgiving and we are fully concentrating on giving thanks for what we have. We have an amazing little boy and a precious girl. I couldn't be more proud of them! They are my children and I love them each deeply. I love each of you as well. I am so thankful for you this year. You who are reading this and have stood in the gap for us. I am thankful for you who have walked side by side with us. I am so blessed to know you, even if I don't yet know your face. I know I will and I will get to introduce you in Heaven to my beautiful children! Thank you, thank you for continuing to walk with us. We will have brighter days ahead, this is just the hard part.
With such a grateful heart,
LaTisha
When we first learned that we were pregnant with Faith, I had a different feeling. I knew what it was like to be a mom and to love someone so much it hurts. I knew the work load and how it would rip my heart out to leave her at daycare when I returned to work. I knew I would physically hurt me when she hurt. But, part of me thought I might love her a little less (more confession time). I thought there was no way to love another child how I love Jackson. I remember telling my mom that I finally understood life. She must love me less because I am number two. She laughed, of course, and told me to just wait. There are places in my heart I didn't know about yet. I thought I had it all figured out.
Once again, mom was right. As the pregnancy progressed with Faith, even before we knew she wasn't made for this world, my feelings about 'Number 2' grew. They grew to the point of reckless abandon on July 28 when we had our ultrasound and learned all about her. I was ready to do whatever it would take to save her. That's what we moms do! I even thought then that maybe my love for her would diminish somehow. Knowing that we would never get to bring her home from the hospital, love her through long nights, rock her to sleep, and paint those precious toenails might help me to protect myself. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much...
Once again, I was wrong. I love Faith in a special way. I love her with my whole heart. Just because she was 'Number 2' and she wasn't made for this world doesn't mean I am not her mom. I am. I am Faith's mommy and I always will be. I love her with reckless abandon. I couldn't save a part of my heart and protect it from loving her because she is a part of me...such a huge and important part. I understand what mom says now when she tells my sister and I that she loves us the same amount, but in different ways. She couldn't choose between us or love one of us more than the other. How foolish I was to think my heart wasn't big enough. It is. My heart is big enough to love our two children equally and differently. What a journey it is to become a mommy!
So, this is the hard part. Thanksgiving is here in a couple of days and we have so much for which to be thankful. We truly do-this year more than ever before. I can't help to think how this holiday season was supposed to be so different. We were supposed to have Faith with us at holiday dinners. We were supposed to hold her up at the Thanksgiving table and tell God and our family how thankful we are for this little bundle of joy. We were supposed to do so many things...
Now we hold each other's hands and tell each other silly things like "It'll get better." I'm sure it will change with time (more time), but there will always be a missing part. I am a mom and I love her with every fiber of my being. I will always miss her. I know now that even if we have ten more children (Father, that is NOT a prayer request!), there should be eleven. We will always be missing one in our family pictures. We will always miss Faith and I know that won't change.
I hear the holidays are the hardest time when you lose a loved one. I honestly hope so. My original due date was December 15, so we are edging up to a very difficult time. Our first Thanksgiving without her, the day that should have been her birthday, and our first Christmas. It is all so bittersweet. I have an appreciation for life and family now. I see the world a little different-somehow better in a way. Yet, I miss my baby girl. I want to hold her and shower her with Christmas gifts. I want to take pictures of her and her brother under the tree. I want her here. God reminds me every time I say "I want her here," that she is better where she is. She doesn't hurt and doesn't feel sad. She plays and praises our Lord continually for all the good He has done. She is in Heaven and loving it! As a mom, who loves with reckless abandon, what more could I ask for her? Father, please do what is best for my children and my family even if it tears me apart. I trust You that much and will praise You all my days for what you have given and what you have taken away. I trust You. We, as Faith's family, will put our nose to the grind and get through this season. We will have joy and peace. I also know that this is going to be the hardest part-to get through our year of 'firsts.'
My dear friend, who I have yet to meet, had a baby girl around the same time we had Faith. Their baby girl lives in Heaven with Faith now. Through the Lord's perfect design, we have had contact with each other and I appreciate her and her family more than she knows. I read her blog and saw that her request for people to leave a testimony of how their baby girl left a mark on this world. As fellow grieving parents I understand why she did this. We need to know there is a greater reason and cause for the loss of our daughters. We need to try to understand and grasp with our finite minds on this Earth what the purpose was. We won't know until we sit with our God and chat with Him, but we might have a little peace knowing our baby girls touched the world...brought some families closer or brought people closer to our Lord.
So, I am repeating her request on our site. This is the hard part for us-our holiday season of 'firsts' and it would bless us if you could take a moment to share if and how Faith touched your family or your life. We cling to this knowing that God had a bigger plan for her and would love to see a glimpse of it on this Earth. Please do not feel obligated, but we would be so blessed if you felt led and comfortable to write a short note.
My email is latisha.bard@gmail.com
It is Thanksgiving and we are fully concentrating on giving thanks for what we have. We have an amazing little boy and a precious girl. I couldn't be more proud of them! They are my children and I love them each deeply. I love each of you as well. I am so thankful for you this year. You who are reading this and have stood in the gap for us. I am thankful for you who have walked side by side with us. I am so blessed to know you, even if I don't yet know your face. I know I will and I will get to introduce you in Heaven to my beautiful children! Thank you, thank you for continuing to walk with us. We will have brighter days ahead, this is just the hard part.
With such a grateful heart,
LaTisha
Monday, November 15, 2010
Lifted
I have been wanting to post for a while to let you know what your prayers have done for us! Between Jackson being sick, work, and Holiday prep, we have been a bit busy and I have fallen asleep the moment I sat down.
I have thought about you all so often this week and last. Jackson had viral pneumonia last week and we had many sleepless nights. I knew during the dark hours we were not alone-I knew you were all standing with us. It has been that way through much of these past months. I have trusted what I cannot see, leaned upon what I cannot touch, and listened for His voice when everything was silent. Your prayers continue to lift us and carry us through...I cannot thank you enough!!
Our family welcomes Christmas the first weekend in November (actually the day after Halloween!). Yes, we are part of the crazies that love to hear Christmas Carols, see the trees, and marvel at all the sparkling lights and decorations. I have always felt the magic of Christmas, mostly because my mom and dad made it so special when we were younger. I love seeing everything look prettier and shine a little brighter. I've always enjoyed things looking pretty and seeming magical. My sister calls me a 'bow person.' I like to see and help others see the brighter side of situations. Reality at times is a little too harsh and bows make it sweeter, a little more manageable. For the past few weeks I have been at a loss for my bows. I haven't been able to see the bright colors and sparkles. I have been stuck in the reality pool of empty cradles, death certificates, and dead flowers.
BUT....last week something lifted! I carried a heavy load for 40 days and, magically, something lifted. I firmly believe it was your prayers at work! The first day I felt lighter, I kept waiting for the weight to return. By the third day I was claiming it-God was working! He was lifting the grief to let me see the joy-to let me see the sparkles and bows. While there have been rough moments these past two weeks, the weight seems lighter. Have I told you thank you for the prayers? They are working!!
The beginning of this Christmas season has been a little different in our house. There is joy and sweetness that I haven't felt before. There is also a bit of sadness. Jackson saw the Christmas decorations and began to think that Faith was coming home. He thought since it was Christmas-time, he would get to hold her. It was heartbreaking to explain to him that she would never come home. She now lives in Heaven with Jesus. A few days later, he understood. We were driving to school and Jackson said, "Mommy, Faith is not coming to our house for Christmas, right? She won't come to my house. Faith has a Heaven House. Thank you, Jesus, for Heaven House." Oh thank You, indeed! He has found a way to understand where his sister is and where she will be until we are with her again. With all the hard moments we have had explaining to Jackson the permanency of Faith living in Heaven, there has been an unexplained release of joy.
I see our 3 year old baby boy growing to understand parts of Heaven. I see Jackson learning to appreciate the reason behind the bows and sparkles. I see him looking beyond Santa to Jesus. I see him learning to love fully with his whole heart. Yes, this season is magical and will be a Christmas full of emotions, but it will also be a season that we will hold each other a bit tighter and love each other a little more. God has been so, so good to us. Silent Nights will be a little more precious, Jingle bells will ring clearly, and our Little Drummer boy will play his song a little louder. This will be a season to remember and I look forward to sharing it with all of you.
Thank you again for lifting us up to Him who can heal. We depend on it daily since tomorrow still frightens us at times. You are what we are thankful for today!
With a heart full of gratitude,
L
I have thought about you all so often this week and last. Jackson had viral pneumonia last week and we had many sleepless nights. I knew during the dark hours we were not alone-I knew you were all standing with us. It has been that way through much of these past months. I have trusted what I cannot see, leaned upon what I cannot touch, and listened for His voice when everything was silent. Your prayers continue to lift us and carry us through...I cannot thank you enough!!
Our family welcomes Christmas the first weekend in November (actually the day after Halloween!). Yes, we are part of the crazies that love to hear Christmas Carols, see the trees, and marvel at all the sparkling lights and decorations. I have always felt the magic of Christmas, mostly because my mom and dad made it so special when we were younger. I love seeing everything look prettier and shine a little brighter. I've always enjoyed things looking pretty and seeming magical. My sister calls me a 'bow person.' I like to see and help others see the brighter side of situations. Reality at times is a little too harsh and bows make it sweeter, a little more manageable. For the past few weeks I have been at a loss for my bows. I haven't been able to see the bright colors and sparkles. I have been stuck in the reality pool of empty cradles, death certificates, and dead flowers.
BUT....last week something lifted! I carried a heavy load for 40 days and, magically, something lifted. I firmly believe it was your prayers at work! The first day I felt lighter, I kept waiting for the weight to return. By the third day I was claiming it-God was working! He was lifting the grief to let me see the joy-to let me see the sparkles and bows. While there have been rough moments these past two weeks, the weight seems lighter. Have I told you thank you for the prayers? They are working!!
The beginning of this Christmas season has been a little different in our house. There is joy and sweetness that I haven't felt before. There is also a bit of sadness. Jackson saw the Christmas decorations and began to think that Faith was coming home. He thought since it was Christmas-time, he would get to hold her. It was heartbreaking to explain to him that she would never come home. She now lives in Heaven with Jesus. A few days later, he understood. We were driving to school and Jackson said, "Mommy, Faith is not coming to our house for Christmas, right? She won't come to my house. Faith has a Heaven House. Thank you, Jesus, for Heaven House." Oh thank You, indeed! He has found a way to understand where his sister is and where she will be until we are with her again. With all the hard moments we have had explaining to Jackson the permanency of Faith living in Heaven, there has been an unexplained release of joy.
I see our 3 year old baby boy growing to understand parts of Heaven. I see Jackson learning to appreciate the reason behind the bows and sparkles. I see him looking beyond Santa to Jesus. I see him learning to love fully with his whole heart. Yes, this season is magical and will be a Christmas full of emotions, but it will also be a season that we will hold each other a bit tighter and love each other a little more. God has been so, so good to us. Silent Nights will be a little more precious, Jingle bells will ring clearly, and our Little Drummer boy will play his song a little louder. This will be a season to remember and I look forward to sharing it with all of you.
Thank you again for lifting us up to Him who can heal. We depend on it daily since tomorrow still frightens us at times. You are what we are thankful for today!
With a heart full of gratitude,
L
Monday, November 1, 2010
Masterpiece
I had a conversation months ago with my Uncle Doug about art. I now know the Lord needed us to have that conversation so He could give me a deeper understanding today when I needed it most. One month ago, today, we buried Faith. Funny how God works like this-all of a sudden, the pieces just come together to make sense. First things first, I must apologize to all the people sitting at our church on Sunday. You all had to sit through the sermon because God needed to speak to us. I'm so happy you were there to join us, but please know that the sermon was directed to Shawn and I. Have you ever felt like that at church? God knows exactly where you are and uses everything around you to let you know He is actively working in your life!
The sermon Sunday was about God's masterpiece. The first part of the sermon was about death and how people look when they are dead-how their colors change, they don't move, and they don't breathe. For a couple who watched their daughter die before their very eyes a short month ago, this part of the sermon was particularly difficult to endure. This is how we were to God before He gave His Son to save us-we were lifeless. Through Christ we are alive, saved, and loved with a gift of grace given daily. Oh what a gift grace has been and continues to be!
Much of the sermon was spent on how we are God's masterpiece, His poem. He molds us and shapes us and then, when we are ready, He puts us on display for the world to see His artistry. The pastor and his wife spoke of their son who is a poet. He agonizes over poems until they are perfect-adding and deleting lines until the poem is a perfect reflection of what he feels in his heart. The poems take time, concentration, and heart. Oh how He loves us!
I love the word 'masterpiece.' We are a piece of our Master, our Lord and Savior. To make a masterpiece takes time and patience. Oh has He been patient with me! It still amazes me that He takes time to shape me into a better person. I am honored to think of the time He has spent thinking of ways to mold me...looking for areas in me that aren't quite ready for display. I think about how proud we are of Jackson as parents because this is the closest relationship I can think of to God's relationship with us. We love for his sweetness to be on display! Our God takes the same joy in us-He finds joy in putting His glory on display through us. Thank you, Father, for molding me and bringing me closer to You!
Now, back to my conversation with my uncle. A few months ago my Uncle Doug, an amazing artist, and I were talking about his artwork. He has some gorgeous pieces and I enjoy listening to his inspiration and insight into the art world. I have always wanted to sing beautifully or paint effortlessly...any way to bring beauty to this world. I am certain that, before I was born, I stood in a Heavenly talent line to be a singer or an artist. God had other talents in store for me, I guess. So, in turn, I love hearing about my uncle's artwork. He said the most unusual thing to me a few months ago and it held so much meaning and truth for me today after hearing the sermon at church yesterday. My uncle said, as I remember, that each piece of beautiful art has something in it that doesn't fit. Something in the piece is off or unbalanced, maybe even offensive. This, he said, is what draws us to the painting. We want to make sense of it and find the balance somehow.
God reminded me of my conversation with Uncle Doug today to show me that we are His perfect piece of art. There is a piece in our lives that doesn't make sense. It doesn't fit. It is hard to look at and we want to make sense of it somehow. Only the Artist knows the reason for the unbalance and only the Artist knows why it is there. It is our job to appreciate the beauty of all the colors and textures of His beautiful artwork. We have lost our daughter. It doesn't make sense to us and it hurts, but I am trusting God tonight that He is molding us into His beautiful masterpiece. We needed this part, the right here and right now, to be the family He has called us to be. We needed this part so we can be a display of God's grace and mercy. Whatever it takes, Lord, to bring us closer to You...whatever it takes.
Our family is in His construction phase right now. We were designed before time began, and now He is painstakingly constructing us to be His masterpiece. He has taken so much time to make sure we are 'just right.' Faith is our portion of the masterpiece that is hard to gaze upon. Why did the Artist do that? One day we will know...we will hold Faith in our arms again and we will know. He promised. Our painting is not ready...but we are getting closer. Closer to seeing the beauty and closer to our God.
One month ago today, we buried our baby girl. Oh, how my heart and arms ache for her tonight. It feels in some ways like it was yesterday and time has flown. But, in a greater sense, the time I held her in my arms seems so far away. I feel the time slipping by-her slipping into what people would consider our past. I honestly don't know if she ever will be in our past and I don't want her to be. She is an active force in our family-something God continues to use daily to bring us closer to him, to complete our masterpiece. God brought us a gift this weekend to remind us He is with us and knows how we ache for her. There was a beautiful yellow butterfly that fluttered around our front yard for more than five minutes. She danced from flower to flower and let me get closer to her than I expected. I know He sent the butterfly to show us Faith is here with us and will always be. She is an intregal part of the masterpiece He is busy constructing in us!
I pray tonight that you see ways our amazing and gracious God has worked His artistry to create a Masterpiece in you. You are His precious child and He works all things for good...even when they don't seem right. You are a beautiful work in progress and will make a fabulous masterpiece!
With love,
LaTisha
The sermon Sunday was about God's masterpiece. The first part of the sermon was about death and how people look when they are dead-how their colors change, they don't move, and they don't breathe. For a couple who watched their daughter die before their very eyes a short month ago, this part of the sermon was particularly difficult to endure. This is how we were to God before He gave His Son to save us-we were lifeless. Through Christ we are alive, saved, and loved with a gift of grace given daily. Oh what a gift grace has been and continues to be!
Much of the sermon was spent on how we are God's masterpiece, His poem. He molds us and shapes us and then, when we are ready, He puts us on display for the world to see His artistry. The pastor and his wife spoke of their son who is a poet. He agonizes over poems until they are perfect-adding and deleting lines until the poem is a perfect reflection of what he feels in his heart. The poems take time, concentration, and heart. Oh how He loves us!
I love the word 'masterpiece.' We are a piece of our Master, our Lord and Savior. To make a masterpiece takes time and patience. Oh has He been patient with me! It still amazes me that He takes time to shape me into a better person. I am honored to think of the time He has spent thinking of ways to mold me...looking for areas in me that aren't quite ready for display. I think about how proud we are of Jackson as parents because this is the closest relationship I can think of to God's relationship with us. We love for his sweetness to be on display! Our God takes the same joy in us-He finds joy in putting His glory on display through us. Thank you, Father, for molding me and bringing me closer to You!
Now, back to my conversation with my uncle. A few months ago my Uncle Doug, an amazing artist, and I were talking about his artwork. He has some gorgeous pieces and I enjoy listening to his inspiration and insight into the art world. I have always wanted to sing beautifully or paint effortlessly...any way to bring beauty to this world. I am certain that, before I was born, I stood in a Heavenly talent line to be a singer or an artist. God had other talents in store for me, I guess. So, in turn, I love hearing about my uncle's artwork. He said the most unusual thing to me a few months ago and it held so much meaning and truth for me today after hearing the sermon at church yesterday. My uncle said, as I remember, that each piece of beautiful art has something in it that doesn't fit. Something in the piece is off or unbalanced, maybe even offensive. This, he said, is what draws us to the painting. We want to make sense of it and find the balance somehow.
God reminded me of my conversation with Uncle Doug today to show me that we are His perfect piece of art. There is a piece in our lives that doesn't make sense. It doesn't fit. It is hard to look at and we want to make sense of it somehow. Only the Artist knows the reason for the unbalance and only the Artist knows why it is there. It is our job to appreciate the beauty of all the colors and textures of His beautiful artwork. We have lost our daughter. It doesn't make sense to us and it hurts, but I am trusting God tonight that He is molding us into His beautiful masterpiece. We needed this part, the right here and right now, to be the family He has called us to be. We needed this part so we can be a display of God's grace and mercy. Whatever it takes, Lord, to bring us closer to You...whatever it takes.
Our family is in His construction phase right now. We were designed before time began, and now He is painstakingly constructing us to be His masterpiece. He has taken so much time to make sure we are 'just right.' Faith is our portion of the masterpiece that is hard to gaze upon. Why did the Artist do that? One day we will know...we will hold Faith in our arms again and we will know. He promised. Our painting is not ready...but we are getting closer. Closer to seeing the beauty and closer to our God.
One month ago today, we buried our baby girl. Oh, how my heart and arms ache for her tonight. It feels in some ways like it was yesterday and time has flown. But, in a greater sense, the time I held her in my arms seems so far away. I feel the time slipping by-her slipping into what people would consider our past. I honestly don't know if she ever will be in our past and I don't want her to be. She is an active force in our family-something God continues to use daily to bring us closer to him, to complete our masterpiece. God brought us a gift this weekend to remind us He is with us and knows how we ache for her. There was a beautiful yellow butterfly that fluttered around our front yard for more than five minutes. She danced from flower to flower and let me get closer to her than I expected. I know He sent the butterfly to show us Faith is here with us and will always be. She is an intregal part of the masterpiece He is busy constructing in us!
With love,
LaTisha
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
One month and still here
One month ago today we held Faith in our arms and one month ago today Jesus called her home to dance with Him in Heaven. One month ago we doted on her. One month ago we held her tiny self with all the love a family can have. One month ago I kissed those perfect little fingers and marveled at her precious fingernails. One month ago she was here, in the same room with us. One month feels like an eternity! It feels so long since I have smelled her sweet baby smell and looked upon my daughter's beautiful face. One month and I know so much more now...I love so much more now.
My heart aches for her each and every day. There isn't a day that goes by without drying tears wept over our loss. I still have an open wound where my little girl is supposed to be. However, with each passing day, I am reminded that He carries me and our family. There have been so many days this past month through which I didn't think I could manage. But I have. I am still here. Still walking, breathing, and, even sometimes, laughing. I am still here seeing the golden nuggets God has given us along this journey. I am still here with unspeakable joy and peace for what my Lord has given and for what He has taken away. I have peace that Faith came into our lives in His perfect time and in His perfect way. I rest in this. I so often wonder how people survive something like this without leaning upon Jesus for comfort, without having God's promises on which to cling. I know that our faith has carried us and I cling daily to the promise I will get to hold Faith in my arms again, kiss those perfect little hands, and smell her sweet baby smell.
It happened today. I took Jackson to gymnastics for his Tuesday night class and sat next to the other mommies and daddies watching their preschoolers learn how to tumble, sit in a pike, and blast off from a tuck position. Jackson loves gymnastics and always looks forward to our Tuesday night dates. I, however, have learned that if there is a pregnant woman or a baby girl within a mile, they are going to find me. It has actually become a bit of a joke in our house and almost a competition week to week of how many we can find. Please understand, first, that I love babies and pregnant women. I always have. Now, I react differently when I see them. Now I see baby girls and pray. 'Please, Father, give this mommy and daddy extra love in their hearts, patience in their homes, and let them see the miracle they have before them.' Pregnant mommies are a little different. I almost weep in prayer for them-praying that they never have to endure the loss. Praying that their child is healthy and gets to go home with them (as Jackson would say). I throw myself to kneel in front of our Father's throne and prayerfully request, or just plain beg Him, to spare them sorrow. Funny thing-each time I pray that prayer, I am reminded of all we have learned and gained from Faith. So every time I also pray that, if He would be glorified by their family having a similar journey, that He carry them through just as He has carried our family with bountiful grace. Every time I change my prayer to 'Thy will be done' and I trust Him. As Nonna said "I wouldn't wish this journey upon anyone, but wouldn't trade it for the world."
So, what happened? The little gymnasts wore their Halloween costumes to gymnastics class today. How funny to see a mermaid, Spider man, kitty cats, and our little football player tumbling! This actually sparked some conversation between some of the moms and I. 'Who is yours?', "Oh, you have the princess!", 'How cute!' among the other niceties that mommies say to each other during these proud mommy moments. One of the moms spoke about the hand-me-down princess costume her daughter was wearing. Ridden with guilt, she made up for the costume with precious goodie bags for all the kids. After she shared about their costume debacle, she asked the question. "So, how many kids do you have?" Hmmmm...do I spare her the truth or just lay it out there? So many thoughts and emotions raced through my mind. I decided in that moment that I will always claim Faith and allow God to take the conversations where He may. He may use this question to open the door to our testimony about our journey with our baby girl. He might bring us other parents who have lost a child and a friend who understands the loss. He might just use Faith a little more because He has not finished her story, people she still needs to touch. Perhaps His glory is at stake in these conversations and someone needs to hear how mighty and merciful our Jesus is in our daily lives. So, I openly and honestly told the other mom that I am learning how to answer that question. "My husband and I have two children. Our son, Jackson, is 3 and our daughter, Faith, was born a month ago and is dancing with Jesus in Heaven." She looked shocked for a moment and gave her condolences. She then did the greatest thing another person could do. She asked about our baby girl. Oh, what a gift she gave...
I continue to thank God for giving us all of you in our lives! You have enriched our family and our faith beyond measure. When our hearts break open and we feel the depth of our hurt, you are all there praying for us and encouraging us. Thank you doesn't come close to expressing our gratitude. So many of you have opened up and shared personally how Faith Marie has touched you and your family. You have shared how her legacy lives on through changed lives and families. What peace that has brought to us! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I understand what it has taken for you to open up and share with us personally. It is a strange feeling to open up to someone else like I have opened up to all of you. It is almost like walking into the world exposed, without anything to hide or protect the parts you don't want seen. I almost didn't start our blog because Shawn and I didn't want to 'burden' any of you with our pain. My, how I was wrong! Without opening up and exposing myself and our family, we would have missed out on some of God's greatest gifts He had for us through Faith's life. Without opening up and exposing us, I would have missed the chance to do something I love and have missed. I have always loved to write, but I haven't taken the time or had an inspiration to continue writing until now. So, again, I thank you for listening and exposing yourself to us. We are honored you have trusted us so and please know you are all in our daily prayers! You have all left footprints on our hearts and we are grateful for you.
Grateful and still breathing,
L
My heart aches for her each and every day. There isn't a day that goes by without drying tears wept over our loss. I still have an open wound where my little girl is supposed to be. However, with each passing day, I am reminded that He carries me and our family. There have been so many days this past month through which I didn't think I could manage. But I have. I am still here. Still walking, breathing, and, even sometimes, laughing. I am still here seeing the golden nuggets God has given us along this journey. I am still here with unspeakable joy and peace for what my Lord has given and for what He has taken away. I have peace that Faith came into our lives in His perfect time and in His perfect way. I rest in this. I so often wonder how people survive something like this without leaning upon Jesus for comfort, without having God's promises on which to cling. I know that our faith has carried us and I cling daily to the promise I will get to hold Faith in my arms again, kiss those perfect little hands, and smell her sweet baby smell.
It happened today. I took Jackson to gymnastics for his Tuesday night class and sat next to the other mommies and daddies watching their preschoolers learn how to tumble, sit in a pike, and blast off from a tuck position. Jackson loves gymnastics and always looks forward to our Tuesday night dates. I, however, have learned that if there is a pregnant woman or a baby girl within a mile, they are going to find me. It has actually become a bit of a joke in our house and almost a competition week to week of how many we can find. Please understand, first, that I love babies and pregnant women. I always have. Now, I react differently when I see them. Now I see baby girls and pray. 'Please, Father, give this mommy and daddy extra love in their hearts, patience in their homes, and let them see the miracle they have before them.' Pregnant mommies are a little different. I almost weep in prayer for them-praying that they never have to endure the loss. Praying that their child is healthy and gets to go home with them (as Jackson would say). I throw myself to kneel in front of our Father's throne and prayerfully request, or just plain beg Him, to spare them sorrow. Funny thing-each time I pray that prayer, I am reminded of all we have learned and gained from Faith. So every time I also pray that, if He would be glorified by their family having a similar journey, that He carry them through just as He has carried our family with bountiful grace. Every time I change my prayer to 'Thy will be done' and I trust Him. As Nonna said "I wouldn't wish this journey upon anyone, but wouldn't trade it for the world."
So, what happened? The little gymnasts wore their Halloween costumes to gymnastics class today. How funny to see a mermaid, Spider man, kitty cats, and our little football player tumbling! This actually sparked some conversation between some of the moms and I. 'Who is yours?', "Oh, you have the princess!", 'How cute!' among the other niceties that mommies say to each other during these proud mommy moments. One of the moms spoke about the hand-me-down princess costume her daughter was wearing. Ridden with guilt, she made up for the costume with precious goodie bags for all the kids. After she shared about their costume debacle, she asked the question. "So, how many kids do you have?" Hmmmm...do I spare her the truth or just lay it out there? So many thoughts and emotions raced through my mind. I decided in that moment that I will always claim Faith and allow God to take the conversations where He may. He may use this question to open the door to our testimony about our journey with our baby girl. He might bring us other parents who have lost a child and a friend who understands the loss. He might just use Faith a little more because He has not finished her story, people she still needs to touch. Perhaps His glory is at stake in these conversations and someone needs to hear how mighty and merciful our Jesus is in our daily lives. So, I openly and honestly told the other mom that I am learning how to answer that question. "My husband and I have two children. Our son, Jackson, is 3 and our daughter, Faith, was born a month ago and is dancing with Jesus in Heaven." She looked shocked for a moment and gave her condolences. She then did the greatest thing another person could do. She asked about our baby girl. Oh, what a gift she gave...
I continue to thank God for giving us all of you in our lives! You have enriched our family and our faith beyond measure. When our hearts break open and we feel the depth of our hurt, you are all there praying for us and encouraging us. Thank you doesn't come close to expressing our gratitude. So many of you have opened up and shared personally how Faith Marie has touched you and your family. You have shared how her legacy lives on through changed lives and families. What peace that has brought to us! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I understand what it has taken for you to open up and share with us personally. It is a strange feeling to open up to someone else like I have opened up to all of you. It is almost like walking into the world exposed, without anything to hide or protect the parts you don't want seen. I almost didn't start our blog because Shawn and I didn't want to 'burden' any of you with our pain. My, how I was wrong! Without opening up and exposing myself and our family, we would have missed out on some of God's greatest gifts He had for us through Faith's life. Without opening up and exposing us, I would have missed the chance to do something I love and have missed. I have always loved to write, but I haven't taken the time or had an inspiration to continue writing until now. So, again, I thank you for listening and exposing yourself to us. We are honored you have trusted us so and please know you are all in our daily prayers! You have all left footprints on our hearts and we are grateful for you.
Grateful and still breathing,
L
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Breathing and Believing!
It is Sunday and I am pleased to report that I am still breathing. Sounds like a silly thing to appreciate, but I do. Last week I had doubts that I could make it. I thought taking a step out of my cocoon would shatter my very existence. I thought I would crumble. So, it is Sunday and I am still breathing. Praise God for being so, so good to us!
I have had some time to reflect this weekend. Thank you, again, to those who have chosen to keep us lifted in the wee hours of the night! I guess I am the most still, quiet, and able to hear His voice when I am sleeping. Most nights I don't argue when I wake up now. I sit and listen to what He needs to say.
I realized and lived out some promises this week. I realized that I could go back to out into the real world and breathe. It isn't easy and I have changed, but I can do this. The Lord has had to literally carry me through this week. Monday and Tuesday were my first days alone since Faith was born. We have been blessed with a loving family and my mom who was willing to endure some craft therapy! If you haven't tried it, craft therapy is a little fun. Mom and I made flower arrangements, feather trees, and some fall decor. Beautiful or not, I don't think I will ever be able to let these pieces go because of the memories attached to them. However, alone time with the quiet has always been my most difficult time. I rested and I knew some hard days were ahead, especially with Shawn being out of town this week.
The clouds rolled in on Thursday. It was a marked change in the weather we have had here in Houston. Since the day Faith was born, we have had clear blue skies. The humidity has been low and so have the temperatures! We have had over 3 weeks of perfect weather. Thank you, Father, and thank you, Faith! Thursday changed...the clouds and humidity rolled in. The temperatures were a bit warmer and the sky not so blue. I knew the weather was bound to change, but appreciate the little details of 'coincidence' our God uses to show us He is with us and knows exactly where we are. He used the weather this week to let me know He was with me all the time.
I went back to work on Thursday and, by the end of the day, questioned if I was truly ready. It was difficult to catch up on what I had missed, make decisions, and see everyone for the first time without Faith. People who saw me very pregnant a few short weeks ago now see a 'normal' me. Most everyone was kind and gracious and some, honestly, didn't know what to say or how to be around me. By the end of the day I was emotionally and physically exhausted. As I laid in bed Thursday night, I wondered if every day was going to be so difficult. I realized that I had dreaded going back to work so much because it was another time I had to say 'goodbye' to Faith. It was a step out of the valley toward the mountaintop. Sometimes climbing is difficult work and sometimes the mountaintop seems so far from the bottom. Sometimes the first step is the hardest because it is leaving the beauty of the valley for the long journey. I prayed and prayed Thursday for the Lord to lift the heaviness that had settled upon me, to bring joy back into my heart, and for Jesus to hold her extra tight. I cried and prayed myself to sleep.
The sun rose Friday morning and so did my heart. My eyes and face were puffy from weeping, but something inside had changed. My God had sustained me and heard all of our prayers. I have been so uplifted by your prayers for strength this week and, I am ecstatic to say, they are working! Friday was easier than Thursday. The second step is sometimes a little easier! I am not saying that Friday was particularly joyful or lighthearted, but the heaviness and sorrow that had settled in for the past week had begun to lift.
I have believed Jesus during our time with Faith. I believed that He could heal her, that He would sustain us, and that He would take care of every detail. Today I have awakened to a new journey with my Lord. I am believing Him again. Yes, there will be sorrow, doubt, and fear along the way, but my God is bigger than all of that! I am believing that His glory has been achieved and will continue to be achieved throughout our time with Faith. I am believing that Jesus is all we need in this life. I need my husband, my kids, and my family, but Jesus is our way to have an eternity together! I can live this short life on Earth in any condition as long as I know I will have an eternity with my Lord and my loved ones. I am believing that people have been touched, have been brought to their knees, and have grown closer because of Faith. I cannot thank you enough for all the posts and messages you have sent testifying to this! I am believing that God has used this for His glory and that is enough to sustain me during the good days and sad days.
I was driving to pick up Jackson on Thursday (probably one of the hardest emotional days of this journey for me, so far). As I listened to some songs we had played at Faith's funeral, I turned my tear-filled eyes toward Heaven. I asked God, "Do you know what you have asked me to give up? Do you see how I hurt so? This is so hard...do you know, Lord? Do you know how hard this is?" In an instant, I heard the answer. Not in an audible voice, but so clearly heard the answer in my heart. "Yes, child, I know your hurt. I know what I asked you to give and I see how you are hurting. I gave My Son for you, so you could live and have an eternity with Me." God Himself knows my hurt. He gave His Son for us. I find comfort knowing He has been there. He knows. He was sad, too. There is glory in the mourning, my dear friends! When days are dark and we our hearts are heavy, Heaven stands to take care of us. He has lifted the weight of my sorrow so I can see His glory!
I pray that whatever circumstance is surrounding your life, you know that God is with you. He sees your every hurt and your every need. He will sustain you, if you invite Him in and let Him. I know I cannot do this on my own. Daily I will give my sorrows and my joys to Him. I will thank Him and praise Him for choosing us to be Faith's parents no matter how much it hurts right now. I know that His glory has been seen by more people than I could have ever touched without her. I know that I will hold her again in my arms and kiss her perfect little hands Heaven. And I know that my Lord will sustain me until we get there!
With love, appreciation, and hope,
L
I have had some time to reflect this weekend. Thank you, again, to those who have chosen to keep us lifted in the wee hours of the night! I guess I am the most still, quiet, and able to hear His voice when I am sleeping. Most nights I don't argue when I wake up now. I sit and listen to what He needs to say.
I realized and lived out some promises this week. I realized that I could go back to out into the real world and breathe. It isn't easy and I have changed, but I can do this. The Lord has had to literally carry me through this week. Monday and Tuesday were my first days alone since Faith was born. We have been blessed with a loving family and my mom who was willing to endure some craft therapy! If you haven't tried it, craft therapy is a little fun. Mom and I made flower arrangements, feather trees, and some fall decor. Beautiful or not, I don't think I will ever be able to let these pieces go because of the memories attached to them. However, alone time with the quiet has always been my most difficult time. I rested and I knew some hard days were ahead, especially with Shawn being out of town this week.
The clouds rolled in on Thursday. It was a marked change in the weather we have had here in Houston. Since the day Faith was born, we have had clear blue skies. The humidity has been low and so have the temperatures! We have had over 3 weeks of perfect weather. Thank you, Father, and thank you, Faith! Thursday changed...the clouds and humidity rolled in. The temperatures were a bit warmer and the sky not so blue. I knew the weather was bound to change, but appreciate the little details of 'coincidence' our God uses to show us He is with us and knows exactly where we are. He used the weather this week to let me know He was with me all the time.
I went back to work on Thursday and, by the end of the day, questioned if I was truly ready. It was difficult to catch up on what I had missed, make decisions, and see everyone for the first time without Faith. People who saw me very pregnant a few short weeks ago now see a 'normal' me. Most everyone was kind and gracious and some, honestly, didn't know what to say or how to be around me. By the end of the day I was emotionally and physically exhausted. As I laid in bed Thursday night, I wondered if every day was going to be so difficult. I realized that I had dreaded going back to work so much because it was another time I had to say 'goodbye' to Faith. It was a step out of the valley toward the mountaintop. Sometimes climbing is difficult work and sometimes the mountaintop seems so far from the bottom. Sometimes the first step is the hardest because it is leaving the beauty of the valley for the long journey. I prayed and prayed Thursday for the Lord to lift the heaviness that had settled upon me, to bring joy back into my heart, and for Jesus to hold her extra tight. I cried and prayed myself to sleep.
The sun rose Friday morning and so did my heart. My eyes and face were puffy from weeping, but something inside had changed. My God had sustained me and heard all of our prayers. I have been so uplifted by your prayers for strength this week and, I am ecstatic to say, they are working! Friday was easier than Thursday. The second step is sometimes a little easier! I am not saying that Friday was particularly joyful or lighthearted, but the heaviness and sorrow that had settled in for the past week had begun to lift.
I have believed Jesus during our time with Faith. I believed that He could heal her, that He would sustain us, and that He would take care of every detail. Today I have awakened to a new journey with my Lord. I am believing Him again. Yes, there will be sorrow, doubt, and fear along the way, but my God is bigger than all of that! I am believing that His glory has been achieved and will continue to be achieved throughout our time with Faith. I am believing that Jesus is all we need in this life. I need my husband, my kids, and my family, but Jesus is our way to have an eternity together! I can live this short life on Earth in any condition as long as I know I will have an eternity with my Lord and my loved ones. I am believing that people have been touched, have been brought to their knees, and have grown closer because of Faith. I cannot thank you enough for all the posts and messages you have sent testifying to this! I am believing that God has used this for His glory and that is enough to sustain me during the good days and sad days.
I was driving to pick up Jackson on Thursday (probably one of the hardest emotional days of this journey for me, so far). As I listened to some songs we had played at Faith's funeral, I turned my tear-filled eyes toward Heaven. I asked God, "Do you know what you have asked me to give up? Do you see how I hurt so? This is so hard...do you know, Lord? Do you know how hard this is?" In an instant, I heard the answer. Not in an audible voice, but so clearly heard the answer in my heart. "Yes, child, I know your hurt. I know what I asked you to give and I see how you are hurting. I gave My Son for you, so you could live and have an eternity with Me." God Himself knows my hurt. He gave His Son for us. I find comfort knowing He has been there. He knows. He was sad, too. There is glory in the mourning, my dear friends! When days are dark and we our hearts are heavy, Heaven stands to take care of us. He has lifted the weight of my sorrow so I can see His glory!
I pray that whatever circumstance is surrounding your life, you know that God is with you. He sees your every hurt and your every need. He will sustain you, if you invite Him in and let Him. I know I cannot do this on my own. Daily I will give my sorrows and my joys to Him. I will thank Him and praise Him for choosing us to be Faith's parents no matter how much it hurts right now. I know that His glory has been seen by more people than I could have ever touched without her. I know that I will hold her again in my arms and kiss her perfect little hands Heaven. And I know that my Lord will sustain me until we get there!
With love, appreciation, and hope,
L
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Our Jackson...
Have I told you about our Jackson? He has been amazing to watch throughout this journey. To understand him, you need to know a little bit about him (and it gives me a moment to be a proud mommy!). Shawn and I were pregnant with Jackson shortly after we got married. I was so sick during the first and second trimesters, but we were so excited about beginning our family. Shawn and I always wanted children and were ecstatic to find out that we were having a boy. We found out, a week after our 20 week ultrasound, that Jackson had a hole in his heart. I was alone for this appointment when the doctor shared the news (which is probably why I no longer go alone to appointments!). I began to research all I could find about VSDs. We spent the rest of the pregnancy worrying about him and praying for the hole in his heart would close. The Lord touched Jackson while we were pregnant with him. We went for a fetal echo-cardiogram shortly before Jackson was born and his heart was healed! God was so faithful and healed our little boy's heart. The rest of the pregnancy was less eventful until...
My water broke at almost 34 weeks. Shawn and I rushed to the hospital and I went in to full labor. After a day of laboring, Jackson's heart rate dropped and we had to have an emergency C-section. We were so worried and scared that day-not knowing what would happen to him. I know, looking back now, that the Lord had us in His hands the entire time. He was using Jackson's delivery to prepare us for Faith. Oh how He works in wonderful ways! Jackson spent over 2 weeks in the hospital before he was strong enough to come home.
During his first months at home, Jackson had to eat around the clock at 11, 2, 5, and 8. I don't think we ever slept! He was also on a heart monitor due to his apnea and premature lungs for 10 months. He still battles with asthma. Jackson is 3 years old and has endured 4 surgeries-he knows so many doctors by name!
I share this with you so that you can understand why Shawn and I were hesitant to tell him about Faith. One doctor advised us to tell him she was sick and wouldn't be able to come home. Another doctor advised us to tell him she had heart problems and couldn't breath. How could we tell him any of this? Jackson has heart issues-he still has a murmur and we are going to a cardiologist for a check-up in January. Jackson has a hard time breathing sometimes. Mommy and Daddy are sometimes sick, too. What if we tell him she is sick and he begins to worry that he will die or that we will die? It was too much for a 3 year old to handle. Shawn and I prayed about what to tell Jackson and how to involve him in Faith's life. We wanted him to love her and know her, but we also wanted to protect him from the hurt we were feeling and knew he would feel. As parents, we wanted to shield him from the pain. We soon knew that there was no shield for this. We were going to walk this as a family and pray for God's hand to be upon us and upon Jackson. Our prayers began to change and we asked God for wisdom and guidance. We also petitioned Him to give Jackson insight and understanding beyond his 3 years of life. God answered our prayers!
You see, Jackson was excited to have a baby. He had picked out toys to share with him or her, knew which room in the house would be the nursery, and kept reminding us that he was going to be big at Christmas time and hold the baby. He was thrilled to be a big brother and we were excited about how tender he would talk about the baby. We knew the night we told him about Faith, he would be confused and crushed. I think that is why Shawn and I dreaded that evening so much. We watched Jackson's heart break that night.
Shawn held Jackson in his lap the day we told him about Baby Faith. We told him that most mommies and daddies bring their babies home, but our baby was very special. She was going to go live with Jesus. Our baby had many 'owies' and the doctors couldn't help her. The doctors can help Jackson and his 'owies' with band aids and medicine, but Faith's 'owies' were too big. So, Faith gets to go and live with Jesus. From that day, Jackson kept asking me if Faith was in my tummy. At random moments, he would make sure Faith would go be with Jesus. We would see pregnant mommies in the store and he would ask about their babies. Do they get to take their baby home or is she going to be with Jesus? It was so difficult to watch him try to understand why our baby was so special. He did great, though. With a smile on his face he would tell strangers that our baby, Baby Faith, was going to live with Jesus.
We began to prepare him for the hospital time and and what would happen afterwards. Thank goodness for the movie 'Barnyard.' One of the cows dies and the other animals have a funeral. It shows the other animals being sad and bringing flowers to the buried cow. One Saturday morning, we began to talk about the funeral with Jackson. After someone goes to be with Jesus, we put their body in a box and put dirt on it. It sounds so final to say it that way, but we had to prepare him for what he was going to see. His sister was going to be in a box and we were going to put dirt on her...we had to prepare him for this. The dirt became a topic of conversation for a while. He began to ask if it was time to put dirt on Baby Faith.
During this time, my tummy was growing and Faith was moving. When I rocked Jackson to sleep at night, he would put his hand or his face on my tummy and wait for Baby Faith to move or kick him. He was so tickled when he could feel her! He became protective of my tummy and wouldn't let our dog lay too close. He wouldn't let me press on my tummy to get her to move because he didn't want me to hurt her. He began to be her big brother-trying to touch her and protect her from the world. It was all so bittersweet to watch him grow to love her so. He carried his Faith Bear everywhere we went and told anyone who would listen all about her. He prayed for her at all different times-in the car, at bedtime, and randomly. Just a few days before she was born, I heard Jackson ask Jesus to make Faith better. He would pray to Jesus without us prompting him. She was ever-present in his life and in our life. I wanted to hold onto her for Jackson's sake-for all of us. How could any of us let her go, much less her big brother?
The day Faith was born, Jackson slept for about 4 hours during a 36 hour time frame. I know that the Lord sustained Jackson that day because he was in the best mood without having any sleep. He played and played in the hospital room throughout the night before Faith arrived. He didn't want to sleep-didn't want to miss any part of this. After Faith was born, Jackson wanted to see her and know her. He never held her, but would ask to see her. If he couldn't see her or find where she was, he would almost panic. It seemed that day that he was afraid she would leave the room and not come back. Once he realized who was holding her, he would be alright and continue playing. All was well for him as long as Faith was in the room. I think we all felt that way.
The time came to tell her goodbye and let the nurse take her for the final time. We had prepared Jackson for this. The three of us sang 'Happy Birthday' to her and said prayers over her. Jackson gave her his Faith Bear that he had carried everywhere with him the past few months. He asked her to take it to Jesus. It was at the end of the day when he asked us about her eyes. We told him that Jesus was giving Faith eyes in Heaven for her birthday so she could see Jesus and watch over us. He still talks today about the eyes that Jesus gave Faith that day.
After Faith's birthday, we began to prepare Jackson for her funeral. We explained to him that our big family was coming and that people would probably be sad because we miss Baby Faith. Any time he hears a sniffle to this day, he asks if we are sad for her. It is hard to explain to him that we are sad and happy at the same time. It is actually difficult to explain that to anyone. We are grieving so deeply for the loss of our daughter, but we have an unspeakable joy for what is to come-for the day when we get to hold her again and never tell her goodbye. Strange emotions to try to explain. So, we tell him that we are happy Baby Faith is with Jesus in Heaven, but we are a little sad because we miss her here and want to give her hugs.
Oh, the day of Faith's funeral was one of my proudest as Jackson's mommy. Jackson was excited to have a suit like Daddy's. I actually don't know who was more proud, Shawn or Jackson. My, they looked handsome. I remember helping Jackson get dressed that day. I thought about his graduation day and his wedding day. Maybe I will get help him with his tie those days, too. He's growing up so fast! He looked so big in his suit.
He took a short nap as we drove to the cemetery. As we arrived, Jackson saw Faith's 'box.' He walked with me that day-he never left my side.
We walked as a family. We walked to her casket and knelt beside her. We sat in the fuzzy chairs and listened to the beautiful words and music. We saw the butterflies and pink flowers. Then, Jackson held his pink balloon. He held it for Baby Faith and then he let it go. It was a proud moment for him as a brother-something he could do for her. He knew that the pretty pink balloons were going up to Heaven to Jesus and to his sister.
After the balloon release, it was time to bury Faith. I struggled with letting Jackson watch the dirt go on her casket, but he wanted to stay. He wanted to finish the journey just like we did.
He hugged her casket before it was laid in the ground.
He laid the first rose on Faith's casket.
He knelt by her grave and said a prayer for his baby sister.
He gently helped pour the dirt in her grave.
He grew that day and all the days on this journey. Our boy grew. He grew in his faith for Jesus. He grew in his love for his family. He grew in his understanding of how precious life and love are. He grew! All this time Shawn and I had been so worried about scaring him and wanting to protect him from the sadness. Had we shielded Jackson from this, we wouldn't have seen some of the greatest blessings. Our little boy grew and has such a depth of faith and character to him.
I would have never wished this journey upon us, especially not upon Jackson. But, I have seen the glory of the Lord through this. I will speak of great joys our God has given us through our sorrow for the rest of my life to anyone who will listen. People ask if I am scared or sad to talk about what we have been through. It is quite the opposite! If I can share anything with anyone to help them through a tough time, I am honored. You see, it is my baby girl's legacy and my pure joy to share with you. It keeps her here, keeps me grounded, and reminds me how faithful God is to His promises. I will be Faith's voice to whomever will listen or read because this is the greater purpose for her life. We will share with others and encourage others to see beauty in the ashes. If you dig deep enough and keep your eyes open, there is beauty. Just look at our Jackson! :)
Love,
Jackson and Faith's proud Mommy
My water broke at almost 34 weeks. Shawn and I rushed to the hospital and I went in to full labor. After a day of laboring, Jackson's heart rate dropped and we had to have an emergency C-section. We were so worried and scared that day-not knowing what would happen to him. I know, looking back now, that the Lord had us in His hands the entire time. He was using Jackson's delivery to prepare us for Faith. Oh how He works in wonderful ways! Jackson spent over 2 weeks in the hospital before he was strong enough to come home.
During his first months at home, Jackson had to eat around the clock at 11, 2, 5, and 8. I don't think we ever slept! He was also on a heart monitor due to his apnea and premature lungs for 10 months. He still battles with asthma. Jackson is 3 years old and has endured 4 surgeries-he knows so many doctors by name!
I share this with you so that you can understand why Shawn and I were hesitant to tell him about Faith. One doctor advised us to tell him she was sick and wouldn't be able to come home. Another doctor advised us to tell him she had heart problems and couldn't breath. How could we tell him any of this? Jackson has heart issues-he still has a murmur and we are going to a cardiologist for a check-up in January. Jackson has a hard time breathing sometimes. Mommy and Daddy are sometimes sick, too. What if we tell him she is sick and he begins to worry that he will die or that we will die? It was too much for a 3 year old to handle. Shawn and I prayed about what to tell Jackson and how to involve him in Faith's life. We wanted him to love her and know her, but we also wanted to protect him from the hurt we were feeling and knew he would feel. As parents, we wanted to shield him from the pain. We soon knew that there was no shield for this. We were going to walk this as a family and pray for God's hand to be upon us and upon Jackson. Our prayers began to change and we asked God for wisdom and guidance. We also petitioned Him to give Jackson insight and understanding beyond his 3 years of life. God answered our prayers!
You see, Jackson was excited to have a baby. He had picked out toys to share with him or her, knew which room in the house would be the nursery, and kept reminding us that he was going to be big at Christmas time and hold the baby. He was thrilled to be a big brother and we were excited about how tender he would talk about the baby. We knew the night we told him about Faith, he would be confused and crushed. I think that is why Shawn and I dreaded that evening so much. We watched Jackson's heart break that night.
Shawn held Jackson in his lap the day we told him about Baby Faith. We told him that most mommies and daddies bring their babies home, but our baby was very special. She was going to go live with Jesus. Our baby had many 'owies' and the doctors couldn't help her. The doctors can help Jackson and his 'owies' with band aids and medicine, but Faith's 'owies' were too big. So, Faith gets to go and live with Jesus. From that day, Jackson kept asking me if Faith was in my tummy. At random moments, he would make sure Faith would go be with Jesus. We would see pregnant mommies in the store and he would ask about their babies. Do they get to take their baby home or is she going to be with Jesus? It was so difficult to watch him try to understand why our baby was so special. He did great, though. With a smile on his face he would tell strangers that our baby, Baby Faith, was going to live with Jesus.
We began to prepare him for the hospital time and and what would happen afterwards. Thank goodness for the movie 'Barnyard.' One of the cows dies and the other animals have a funeral. It shows the other animals being sad and bringing flowers to the buried cow. One Saturday morning, we began to talk about the funeral with Jackson. After someone goes to be with Jesus, we put their body in a box and put dirt on it. It sounds so final to say it that way, but we had to prepare him for what he was going to see. His sister was going to be in a box and we were going to put dirt on her...we had to prepare him for this. The dirt became a topic of conversation for a while. He began to ask if it was time to put dirt on Baby Faith.
During this time, my tummy was growing and Faith was moving. When I rocked Jackson to sleep at night, he would put his hand or his face on my tummy and wait for Baby Faith to move or kick him. He was so tickled when he could feel her! He became protective of my tummy and wouldn't let our dog lay too close. He wouldn't let me press on my tummy to get her to move because he didn't want me to hurt her. He began to be her big brother-trying to touch her and protect her from the world. It was all so bittersweet to watch him grow to love her so. He carried his Faith Bear everywhere we went and told anyone who would listen all about her. He prayed for her at all different times-in the car, at bedtime, and randomly. Just a few days before she was born, I heard Jackson ask Jesus to make Faith better. He would pray to Jesus without us prompting him. She was ever-present in his life and in our life. I wanted to hold onto her for Jackson's sake-for all of us. How could any of us let her go, much less her big brother?
The day Faith was born, Jackson slept for about 4 hours during a 36 hour time frame. I know that the Lord sustained Jackson that day because he was in the best mood without having any sleep. He played and played in the hospital room throughout the night before Faith arrived. He didn't want to sleep-didn't want to miss any part of this. After Faith was born, Jackson wanted to see her and know her. He never held her, but would ask to see her. If he couldn't see her or find where she was, he would almost panic. It seemed that day that he was afraid she would leave the room and not come back. Once he realized who was holding her, he would be alright and continue playing. All was well for him as long as Faith was in the room. I think we all felt that way.
The time came to tell her goodbye and let the nurse take her for the final time. We had prepared Jackson for this. The three of us sang 'Happy Birthday' to her and said prayers over her. Jackson gave her his Faith Bear that he had carried everywhere with him the past few months. He asked her to take it to Jesus. It was at the end of the day when he asked us about her eyes. We told him that Jesus was giving Faith eyes in Heaven for her birthday so she could see Jesus and watch over us. He still talks today about the eyes that Jesus gave Faith that day.
After Faith's birthday, we began to prepare Jackson for her funeral. We explained to him that our big family was coming and that people would probably be sad because we miss Baby Faith. Any time he hears a sniffle to this day, he asks if we are sad for her. It is hard to explain to him that we are sad and happy at the same time. It is actually difficult to explain that to anyone. We are grieving so deeply for the loss of our daughter, but we have an unspeakable joy for what is to come-for the day when we get to hold her again and never tell her goodbye. Strange emotions to try to explain. So, we tell him that we are happy Baby Faith is with Jesus in Heaven, but we are a little sad because we miss her here and want to give her hugs.
Oh, the day of Faith's funeral was one of my proudest as Jackson's mommy. Jackson was excited to have a suit like Daddy's. I actually don't know who was more proud, Shawn or Jackson. My, they looked handsome. I remember helping Jackson get dressed that day. I thought about his graduation day and his wedding day. Maybe I will get help him with his tie those days, too. He's growing up so fast! He looked so big in his suit.
After the balloon release, it was time to bury Faith. I struggled with letting Jackson watch the dirt go on her casket, but he wanted to stay. He wanted to finish the journey just like we did.
He hugged her casket before it was laid in the ground.
I would have never wished this journey upon us, especially not upon Jackson. But, I have seen the glory of the Lord through this. I will speak of great joys our God has given us through our sorrow for the rest of my life to anyone who will listen. People ask if I am scared or sad to talk about what we have been through. It is quite the opposite! If I can share anything with anyone to help them through a tough time, I am honored. You see, it is my baby girl's legacy and my pure joy to share with you. It keeps her here, keeps me grounded, and reminds me how faithful God is to His promises. I will be Faith's voice to whomever will listen or read because this is the greater purpose for her life. We will share with others and encourage others to see beauty in the ashes. If you dig deep enough and keep your eyes open, there is beauty. Just look at our Jackson! :)
Love,
Jackson and Faith's proud Mommy
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Reminded
The past few days have been pretty tough for me. I can't put my finger on the exact cause other than sorrow is here to stay. It seems as though sorrow has settled in my every bone and whispers in my ear it is not going away any time soon. I don't know why I am surprised at this, but I am. Our pregnancy with Faith had a finish line-there was going to be a day when we wouldn't be travelling to the doctor every other week, when I wouldn't feel sick any more, and when we wouldn't count her movements to make sure she was still alive in me. But with the end of our pregnancy came the end of the possibilities. I always believed that God could heal her and, the further our pregnancy progressed, the more I believed in the possibility. The Lord simply had bigger plans for her and for us. He has given her a legacy in this world that far exceeds anything I could have imagined and I am reminded today that we are still her voice even though she is gone.
Yes, sorrow is here and will be close to my side for I don't know how long. There is no finish line for this like there was when we were pregnant with her. I hear that it will change and become easier as time goes by. But today, sorrow is here. I don't know if I feel this way because of the preliminary autopsy report we received on Friday, because this week I have spent my first two days alone since she was born, or because I am going back to work and the real world on Thursday. I know it is a mixture of everything and, yet, only one thing. I lost my daughter, so sorrow is here. I'm a little nervous about going back to the real world. Some moments and some days it takes everything I have to put a smile on my face for Jackson. Will I be able to do that all day long? I don't know, but I know I have to try. God promised daily bread, so I am counting on Him.
God has been so good today...a day when I needed simple reminders. When sorrow has gotten too close for my comfort, He has given me reminders of why this has happened and how Faith has left a legacy. I received more than five messages today from family and friends who 'felt' we needed extra prayers today. How ever-present our Lord is! Our God is a living God who takes care of us now. He used those of you who have left messages or emails to lift me up and give me some breathing space from the sorrow that has been overwhelming.
I know I have said this before, but the Lord has truly used each of your messages to remind me that we will get through this. We can do this...one day at a time. Thank you for reminding me of the joys of our journey today. When sorrow creeps in, I know I can go to all of your messages of prayer, love, and changed lives to be reminded of how good our God is and how majestically He works everything according to His purpose. I am reminded today that God loves Faith even more than I do and He is taking care of her. She is in Heaven praising Him for giving her eyes to see, a heart to love, and ears to hear angels sing. What more could a mommy want for her baby girl? I gave her the greatest gift I could as a mother by letting her go to Heaven and be with Jesus. So, as sorrow sits closely with me, I thank you for reminding me today of the joy we have been given throughout this journey.
I will, for the rest of my life, be grateful for Faith...the joy and the sorrow. She mattered and she still matters. She is still reaching people far and wide. She is still encouraging us to love each other a little deeper, share a little more, and trust our Jesus with all we have. She has changed us, our family, and even some of yours. Thank you for sharing your lives with us. Thank you again for your messages, prayers, and love.
Yes, sorrow is here and will be close to my side for I don't know how long. There is no finish line for this like there was when we were pregnant with her. I hear that it will change and become easier as time goes by. But today, sorrow is here. I don't know if I feel this way because of the preliminary autopsy report we received on Friday, because this week I have spent my first two days alone since she was born, or because I am going back to work and the real world on Thursday. I know it is a mixture of everything and, yet, only one thing. I lost my daughter, so sorrow is here. I'm a little nervous about going back to the real world. Some moments and some days it takes everything I have to put a smile on my face for Jackson. Will I be able to do that all day long? I don't know, but I know I have to try. God promised daily bread, so I am counting on Him.
God has been so good today...a day when I needed simple reminders. When sorrow has gotten too close for my comfort, He has given me reminders of why this has happened and how Faith has left a legacy. I received more than five messages today from family and friends who 'felt' we needed extra prayers today. How ever-present our Lord is! Our God is a living God who takes care of us now. He used those of you who have left messages or emails to lift me up and give me some breathing space from the sorrow that has been overwhelming.
I know I have said this before, but the Lord has truly used each of your messages to remind me that we will get through this. We can do this...one day at a time. Thank you for reminding me of the joys of our journey today. When sorrow creeps in, I know I can go to all of your messages of prayer, love, and changed lives to be reminded of how good our God is and how majestically He works everything according to His purpose. I am reminded today that God loves Faith even more than I do and He is taking care of her. She is in Heaven praising Him for giving her eyes to see, a heart to love, and ears to hear angels sing. What more could a mommy want for her baby girl? I gave her the greatest gift I could as a mother by letting her go to Heaven and be with Jesus. So, as sorrow sits closely with me, I thank you for reminding me today of the joy we have been given throughout this journey.
I will, for the rest of my life, be grateful for Faith...the joy and the sorrow. She mattered and she still matters. She is still reaching people far and wide. She is still encouraging us to love each other a little deeper, share a little more, and trust our Jesus with all we have. She has changed us, our family, and even some of yours. Thank you for sharing your lives with us. Thank you again for your messages, prayers, and love.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
My Letter to Faith and Our Song
There is so much I wanted to say to our daughter when she was born and even more I want to tell her today! I wrote a letter to Faith and read it at her funeral. I have had a few family members ask me to post it, so here it is. I am trying to get to a place to write and tell her more. Emotionally, it is hard for me to go there. Til then, here is my first letter to Faith Marie from her funeral...
My sweet Faith,
Do you know that you mattered in this world? You held weight and you changed people. Most of us live a lifetime and don’t reach out and touch the people that you have touched and changed. I know I certainly haven’t.
You reached people across the world with your story. People in the Czech Republic, Hungary, Poland, Italy, Canada, Mexico, and across the United States know your name, your story, and your testimony. I have received letters from people whom you have inspired to reach deeper in their own faith. Baby girl, you have brought people closer to Jesus and have introduced them to a side of our Savior they may have never known without you. What a legacy you have!
Faith, you have changed your big brother. He now knows the power of prayer and the gift of peace. He has learned so much about Heaven and Jesus’ gifts to us because of you. Daddy and I were so worried that this journey would scar him and make him sad, but he has been joyful and oh so curious about you. Your brother has spent much time praying for you-not just before bedtime, but at random times. Last week, before you were born, he raised his eyes toward Jesus and asked Him to make you all better. His prayers were answered, sweet girl. Thank you for adding dimension and depth to your brother’s life and faith.
You have changed your Daddy, sweet girl. I have seen depth of character, strength, and love that I never knew in him before you. Your Daddy loves his children and his family, but he says it and shows it much more since you’ve been a part of us. Do you know how broken he was the day of the ultrasound? I watched him crumble before my eyes because he hurt so for you. Oh Faith, we both wanted you so desperately here on Earth! After we learned that your body was not meant for this world, I watched your Daddy change. He hugs more, loves more, and cries so much more. He’s not afraid to show his heart. What a gift you have given the world by opening up your Daddy for everyone to see the beauty of his spirit!
Most of all, baby girl, you changed me! You have made me a better daughter, sister, aunt, wife, and mommy. I was also broken the day of the ultrasound-how in the world could I ever let you go? During the weeks we knew your prognosis, something happened in me. I have always walked close with Jesus and depended on him for my everything, but I have never known Him like this. Thank you for teaching me about Heaven and the gift of sacrifice. I have learned through this journey with you how much I love Him and exactly how much I trust in Him. My precious daughter, I am trusting Him with you. I trust Him to rock you at night and sing you lullabies. I trust Him to tell you about your mommy, daddy, brother, and whole family who love you to pieces. To tell you how Mommy would have loved to paint your toes, have picnics in the grass, dance with you, and plan your wedding day. Oh how I wanted to make memories with you. The funny thing is that I have. You have been to waterparks, slides, weddings, parties, and movies. You have been loved so deeply-in such a different way than any other child. I have stayed up at night rocking you, singing to you, and waiting for you to kick and move in me. You have taught me to treasure each and every moment. We are never guaranteed another day here and we must love while we can. You have taught me that it is so much better to have loved and lost…I can’t imagine how much I would have missed out on if I had not carried you as long as I could.
Faith Marie, I miss you terribly. I want to hold you and snuggle with you-especially in the quiet of the night. I think about the nights we would stay awake together and rock. I think about the first steps you will never take and way you will never cry out my name. Oh how desperately I want you here. More importantly, baby girl, I am happy you are with Jesus. I know you bring a smile to His face because you have certainly brought smiles to ours. Thank you for letting me be your Mommy and for staying with us as long as you did. I know it was a long road and you fought every moment to be here. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for giving us as much time as you did. Thank you for kicking me at 3:00 in the morning (I sure do miss that!) and thank you for letting us know you.
You changed us-so many of us. You mattered, sweet girl…you mattered.
I love you oh so much and I will always will. Long after today-for the rest of my life. I am anxious to hold you in my arms again.
Til then…Mommy loves you!
The song that has carried me throughout this journey is "I Will Carry You," by Selah. Here are the words to the song which we played at Faith's funeral-it speaks so clearly to how I feel about our baby girl. I couldn't have written a more perfect song.
I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
Have a blessed evening and give an extra hug to the ones you hold dearest!
LaTisha
Preliminary Report
These days I am trying to be a mommy to Jackson and a wife to Shawn...I know it hurts them to see me sad. Truth is I miss her today and every day. I was getting Jackson's plate ready for supper on Friday and had to walk out of the room. I couldn't breath because of the weight of sadness that constantly sits on me. I may look 'normal' and I may sound OK when we talk, but deep down I am sad and miss our little girl. I miss what she was and what she could have been. Oh I want to hold her and rock her so badly!
Dr. Thornton, my OB, called Friday. She prescribed folic acid, DHA, and prenatal vitamins for me to begin now to begin preparing my body for when we are ready to try again. My fear gripped me on Friday and hasn't quite let go. I am praying for God to take it away and I completely trust Him for whatever He has in store for us, but I am scared. The doctor also said the preliminary autopsy results came in Friday. All of Faith's chromosomes were normal. Normal. Normal. There is nothing 'normal' about this. Normal means you go in the hospital, have the baby, and bring the baby home. Normal means you lose sleep at night. Normal means are a sleep-deprived zombie doing bottle duty and laundry at all hours of the day and night. This, this empty feeling, is not normal!
I digress...the preliminary autopsy report came in on Friday. Faith's chromosomes were normal. However, the pathologists at Texas Children's want to do some additional DNA testing on Shawn, Faith, and myself. They are looking at bands on two chromosomes and need some additional blood work from Shawn and I. I asked Dr.Thornton, just for clarification and reassurance, if the tests would hopefully give us some explanation of what happened to Faith. Hopefully they will, but there is no guarantee (such a fitting answer for our journey we have had with Faith). She then told me that we are at a higher risk of something like this happening again. I guess once your name has been drawn out of a hat, you are more likely to be drawn the next time.
I panicked as I got of the phone. I lost my breath and I let the tears fall. I can't do this again. Lord, I can't! Fear took hold of me and is still clenching to me with everything bit of strength it has. I am confessing this to all of you so that you know where we are. Today, I am scared. Scared to find out what was wrong with Faith, if something could possibly happen to Jackson or his children, and scared of trying again. I am clinging to my Lord and His promises all over again. Daily bread-stop looking at the future and getting scared, LaTisha. Look at today and all the Lord has given. I am a blessed woman and I know that He will carry us through whatever the future holds for our family. We will make it through and we will be stronger in our faith and love because of what He teaches us along the way. I know the fullness of spending intimate time with our Lord and Savior and I rest in the fact that He will be there holding us, no matter what comes.
My prayer for your family is that you rest knowing that God has taken care of tomorrow. Whether it is the loss of a job, the loss of a child, or the loss of yourself, God has it and will take care of it all.
Believing Him for all of us,
LaTisha
Dr. Thornton, my OB, called Friday. She prescribed folic acid, DHA, and prenatal vitamins for me to begin now to begin preparing my body for when we are ready to try again. My fear gripped me on Friday and hasn't quite let go. I am praying for God to take it away and I completely trust Him for whatever He has in store for us, but I am scared. The doctor also said the preliminary autopsy results came in Friday. All of Faith's chromosomes were normal. Normal. Normal. There is nothing 'normal' about this. Normal means you go in the hospital, have the baby, and bring the baby home. Normal means you lose sleep at night. Normal means are a sleep-deprived zombie doing bottle duty and laundry at all hours of the day and night. This, this empty feeling, is not normal!
I digress...the preliminary autopsy report came in on Friday. Faith's chromosomes were normal. However, the pathologists at Texas Children's want to do some additional DNA testing on Shawn, Faith, and myself. They are looking at bands on two chromosomes and need some additional blood work from Shawn and I. I asked Dr.Thornton, just for clarification and reassurance, if the tests would hopefully give us some explanation of what happened to Faith. Hopefully they will, but there is no guarantee (such a fitting answer for our journey we have had with Faith). She then told me that we are at a higher risk of something like this happening again. I guess once your name has been drawn out of a hat, you are more likely to be drawn the next time.
I panicked as I got of the phone. I lost my breath and I let the tears fall. I can't do this again. Lord, I can't! Fear took hold of me and is still clenching to me with everything bit of strength it has. I am confessing this to all of you so that you know where we are. Today, I am scared. Scared to find out what was wrong with Faith, if something could possibly happen to Jackson or his children, and scared of trying again. I am clinging to my Lord and His promises all over again. Daily bread-stop looking at the future and getting scared, LaTisha. Look at today and all the Lord has given. I am a blessed woman and I know that He will carry us through whatever the future holds for our family. We will make it through and we will be stronger in our faith and love because of what He teaches us along the way. I know the fullness of spending intimate time with our Lord and Savior and I rest in the fact that He will be there holding us, no matter what comes.
My prayer for your family is that you rest knowing that God has taken care of tomorrow. Whether it is the loss of a job, the loss of a child, or the loss of yourself, God has it and will take care of it all.
Believing Him for all of us,
LaTisha
If...
It has been three weeks today since Faith was born and went to be with Jesus in Heaven. I so often refer to her going to be with Jesus. Truth is that she died. She died as she entered this world and there is so much responsibility I feel. I feel as though I let her down, that my body couldn't sustain her anymore. I feel like I should have taken it easy the last few weeks thinking that her arrival was coming soon. I feel if I had been able to physically keep down the vitamins and the food during the first trimester instead of being so sick, maybe things would have been different. I feel as though I let her go too soon. If I hadn't taken a short walk with Mom and Jackson the day she was born, if I hadn't been so sick, if I would have kept my feet up longer and rested more, if.....
Truth is I have always beaten myself up for my mistakes in life. I have shouldered guilt since I was a little girl. Mom only had to give me 'the look' and I knew I had messed up, or worse yet, disappointed her. Dad always told me that they didn't have to really punish me because I punished myself more than they could. While I choose daily to see the strength in having high expectations for myself, I know that I still beat myself up. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and I am learning that they have prepared me for these moments I have had the last three weeks. My aunt gave me an amazing gift the day that Faith was buried (thanks, Aunt Sister!). She told me she was proud of me and my response was 'Gosh, I've messed up so many times...' I didn't understand how she could be proud. She took my face in her hands and told me that the road I have traveled has made me who I am and, yes, she was proud. I have had time to think about this over the past couple of weeks. My aunt reminded me of what I know about my Lord. I know my Jesus better than I ever have because of this part of my journey with Him. I know that guilt is not offered by Him, but is something that I carry all on my own. My job is to give it over to Him-let Him have it. He has cast my mistakes as far as the east is from the west. They are no longer mine to own and I have to let them go.
The 'ifs' in this life...how daunting they are to me! At the beginning of this post, I wrote about how I 'feel.' I am trying to be so open and honest with all of you-my dearest friends. I do 'feel' as though I let Faith down and I do wish with every ounce of my being I could have held on to her longer. However, I know something different. I know that God heard my prayers to not have to bury Faith at Christmas. I know that the Lord Himself timed her arrival so all of our family members could be there with us the day she was born and the week after. God knew she was coming that day when I took the walk. It was a beautiful day and truly just a short walk with my little boy. My walk had nothing to do with her coming that night. I could not have prevented her from coming on September 26 if I had tried. I was not in control...so much for beating myself up!
When I begin thinking that I didn't do enough or what I did do wasn't right, I am reminded of all that God has promised me. I petitioned Him with prayer throughout our time with Faith and I know many of you were on bended knee there with us. We were completely in our Father's hands and He brought Faith into this world and into Heaven at His time. There was truly nothing I could do to alter the outcome of her life.
Something came to me as I am writing to you all, so I hope it makes sense. God is SO good! As a mommy, I do my best to set Jackson up for success. I pack him an extra shirt and short just in case he gets dirty. I send him with a jacket on a cold morning. I explain to him that we are going into a restaurant and we need to use inside voices. I also talked him through the burial of his little sister-the sights, noises, and feelings we all might have that day. I try to set him up for success by giving him information and time to practice. The Lord does the same with us. Each failure, each mistake, is a practice run in this life. It is a time to learn more about our relationship with Him and a chance to show us He is true to His promises. He, as our Father, sets us up to be successful for the big times in life when it really counts. He set me up with all my successes and all of my mistakes in life to be Faith's mommy-to carry her, to bury her, and to be her voice. Had I not had all of my mishaps, I wouldn't be the person I am or have the relationship with Jesus that I have. As a mommy, I know it sometimes takes a little extra time before we go somewhere to set Jackson up for success. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that He, Creator of Heaven and Earth, took time to set us up for success with Faith. He gave us what we needed to have one perfect day with her in our arms. He gave us the strength and willpower to plan her celebration and He carried us through her funeral. He has carried us through these past two weeks of trying to find a little bit of laughter and joy while mourning our greatest loss. I know that He will continue to be there for us when our feelings begin to overtake what we know. I just pray that we continue to seek Him, His truth, and His ways.
There is peace in letting go of the failures in life. I am choosing today to trust that the Lord is true to His promise of casting our sins as far as the east is from the west. I am certainly not big enough to carry them all! Truth is that He uses broken vessels-He chose to use me and chooses to use all of us if we let Him. My prayer for you today is that you rest in knowing that the Lord is using whatever you have been through to set you up for success. How great it is to know that our Father knows what we need to be successful in this life and is giving it to us now. I wonder what He has in store for all of us next?
LaTisha
Truth is I have always beaten myself up for my mistakes in life. I have shouldered guilt since I was a little girl. Mom only had to give me 'the look' and I knew I had messed up, or worse yet, disappointed her. Dad always told me that they didn't have to really punish me because I punished myself more than they could. While I choose daily to see the strength in having high expectations for myself, I know that I still beat myself up. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and I am learning that they have prepared me for these moments I have had the last three weeks. My aunt gave me an amazing gift the day that Faith was buried (thanks, Aunt Sister!). She told me she was proud of me and my response was 'Gosh, I've messed up so many times...' I didn't understand how she could be proud. She took my face in her hands and told me that the road I have traveled has made me who I am and, yes, she was proud. I have had time to think about this over the past couple of weeks. My aunt reminded me of what I know about my Lord. I know my Jesus better than I ever have because of this part of my journey with Him. I know that guilt is not offered by Him, but is something that I carry all on my own. My job is to give it over to Him-let Him have it. He has cast my mistakes as far as the east is from the west. They are no longer mine to own and I have to let them go.
The 'ifs' in this life...how daunting they are to me! At the beginning of this post, I wrote about how I 'feel.' I am trying to be so open and honest with all of you-my dearest friends. I do 'feel' as though I let Faith down and I do wish with every ounce of my being I could have held on to her longer. However, I know something different. I know that God heard my prayers to not have to bury Faith at Christmas. I know that the Lord Himself timed her arrival so all of our family members could be there with us the day she was born and the week after. God knew she was coming that day when I took the walk. It was a beautiful day and truly just a short walk with my little boy. My walk had nothing to do with her coming that night. I could not have prevented her from coming on September 26 if I had tried. I was not in control...so much for beating myself up!
When I begin thinking that I didn't do enough or what I did do wasn't right, I am reminded of all that God has promised me. I petitioned Him with prayer throughout our time with Faith and I know many of you were on bended knee there with us. We were completely in our Father's hands and He brought Faith into this world and into Heaven at His time. There was truly nothing I could do to alter the outcome of her life.
Something came to me as I am writing to you all, so I hope it makes sense. God is SO good! As a mommy, I do my best to set Jackson up for success. I pack him an extra shirt and short just in case he gets dirty. I send him with a jacket on a cold morning. I explain to him that we are going into a restaurant and we need to use inside voices. I also talked him through the burial of his little sister-the sights, noises, and feelings we all might have that day. I try to set him up for success by giving him information and time to practice. The Lord does the same with us. Each failure, each mistake, is a practice run in this life. It is a time to learn more about our relationship with Him and a chance to show us He is true to His promises. He, as our Father, sets us up to be successful for the big times in life when it really counts. He set me up with all my successes and all of my mistakes in life to be Faith's mommy-to carry her, to bury her, and to be her voice. Had I not had all of my mishaps, I wouldn't be the person I am or have the relationship with Jesus that I have. As a mommy, I know it sometimes takes a little extra time before we go somewhere to set Jackson up for success. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that He, Creator of Heaven and Earth, took time to set us up for success with Faith. He gave us what we needed to have one perfect day with her in our arms. He gave us the strength and willpower to plan her celebration and He carried us through her funeral. He has carried us through these past two weeks of trying to find a little bit of laughter and joy while mourning our greatest loss. I know that He will continue to be there for us when our feelings begin to overtake what we know. I just pray that we continue to seek Him, His truth, and His ways.
There is peace in letting go of the failures in life. I am choosing today to trust that the Lord is true to His promise of casting our sins as far as the east is from the west. I am certainly not big enough to carry them all! Truth is that He uses broken vessels-He chose to use me and chooses to use all of us if we let Him. My prayer for you today is that you rest in knowing that the Lord is using whatever you have been through to set you up for success. How great it is to know that our Father knows what we need to be successful in this life and is giving it to us now. I wonder what He has in store for all of us next?
LaTisha
Sunday, October 10, 2010
A Tender Celebration
Faith's funeral was 8 days ago and, yet, I find myself clinging to the raw moments of that day. We were given one perfect day with our angel girl-full of laughter, tears, joy, and the deepest sorrow I have ever known. We were also given a perfect day for her celebration-a journey complete. The weather last Friday was warm, not humid at all. There was a gentle breeze which grew stronger when her 2:00 service drew near. The sky was clear blue, the birds sang, the cows mooed, and our family wept. There were moments of joy this day and moments I can't explain other than to tell you we were held in our Father's hand. Another day we didn't think we would be able to survive, but we did. It was a perfect celebration for our daughter-full of raw moments that I would love to share with you.
I stayed up until after 3:00 the night before her funeral taking care of the last minute details so everything could be perfect. My body ached from having her four days before, but I knew I had to press onward. I had this one celebration for her life-no first birthdays, no graduation parties, and no wedding...just this one day to share our baby girl with our family and friends. It seems so final to write that now. I transformed our dining room to be Faith's room. All of the items she touched were set on the table with poems and Bible verses that had carried us through our journey so far. The outfit she wore the day she was born, some pictures from our day with her, and her blanket. Oh, her blanket. I took it out of the box and wept over it-it still smelled like my girl. Four days before her funeral we welcomed her into our family and met her face to face for the first time. My body and my heart ached with what we were about to do.
I woke up about 7:00 Friday morning with a song in my heart. It was strange to me-a day so heavy and so dreaded, but I truly had hymns pouring out of me all that day. A true gift from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't help but sing hymns like "I Surrender All" and "It is Well."
All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
I have learned how to surrender my everything to my Lord and Savior through this journey. What more could I give? I have handed my precious baby girl to Him and completely trust Him to love her in such a special way. As a mommy...it is difficult to do. I selfishly want to be her everything, but today and the day of her funeral I choose to trust that my God has a larger plan.
Shawn's family came to our house Thursday afternoon and my family drove in Friday morning to help with the final details. There was a buzz of activity in our home. Some blew up balloons, others placed pictures into a book, and more of our family worked on the slide show presentation. Song lists were finalized and we were finally all ready to go. Shawn, Jackson, and I rode together in our car. I think our family planned it that way. I felt like such a little girl in a very adult world-wishing it would all go away. All the noise, all the sadness, and, especially, the emptiness.
Father Gary and my Uncle Doug married Shawn and I four years ago and now Father Gary conducting our daughter's funeral. He spoke about how he remembered the couple four years ago who vowed for better or worse, in sickness and in health. How could we have known then this is where we would be? He also watched and spoke about how we clung to each other during her ceremony. I was honored when he said we had taken the narrow road...the road less traveled. We have seen glory that we would have missed if we had terminated our pregnancy early. I was honored, humbled, and oh so stricken with grief. Our baby girl laid in front of us in a tiny white casket waiting to be buried in the dirt. How did we get here? How could we do this?
The service was as beautiful as it could have been. We played "Amazing Grace," by Chris Tomlin, "Homesick," by MercyMe, and "I Will Carry You," by Selah (I will surely write more about the last song later-it broke me and carried me throughout our journey with Faith and continues to be mportant to me now). During the ceremony, my eyes drifted to the scenery. I saw trees at the cemetery with delicate pink flowers tipping to top branches. I will never forget the tiny, yellow butterfly that danced through the graves. Such a delicate little one that seemed joyful to be there. I imagined that was Faith-gracing us with her butterfly dance one more time. I felt the breeze and truly feel it was the Holy Spirit keeping us alive and breathing that day. God gave me the details of that day and helped my eyes to notice and remember them.
After the balloon release, we invited family to go to our house for a lasagna supper. I had told our family a few days before that I needed to stay with Faith until the last piece of dirt was laid upon her. I was scared to death of hearing the thumps of dirt on her casket, but I needed to help her finish the journey. Again, doing the only mommy thing I could do for her. I invited everyone to stay if they wanted or leave-I could do this alone if I needed to and I didn't want to burden anyone else with the memory. To my surprise, almost everyone stayed with us. Homer took her casket off of the pedastal and set it upon the ground. He removed the material covering her grave...and there it was. A tiny hole in the ground for our daughter. I knelt by the hole and felt. I felt the dirt and the grass and the emptiness. I knelt and I felt.
I had no idea who had stayed and who had left. After sobbing over her grave, I began to realize that time was slipping by and we needed to do this. Shawn, Jackson, and I kissed her casket one last time. Then Shawn and Homer lowered her into the ground. I can hardly type that sentence without falling apart. I remember so vividly the look on Shawn's face and the tears falling down his cheeks to the tip of his nose. I watched as Daddy's tears fell upon Faith's casket. How surreal this journey has been...
We had single stem white roses for those who chose to stay with us to lay upon her casket in the ground. I knelt by her grave and watched the people we love mourn our little girl. She was ours-all of ours and we all mourn the loss of her. Faith Marie was a sister, daughter, granddaughter, a niece, a great-niece, and a cousin. We were all heartbroken to let her go. Again I found it difficult to watch the people we love so dearly hurt so deeply. I wanted to fix it for them, for me. Yet I knelt by her grave and watched. Oh, Jesus, come now! Come and fill this void we have. Remind us of Your greatness and faithfulness. We need You now, Lord!
Then came the dirt...first by our hands and then by the shovel. Homer himself shoveled the dirt onto Faith's casket as tenderly as he possibly could. What a burden he had on his shoulders-to care for us and seal Faith's casket and grave. While he shoveled, Shawn, Jackson, and I helped with our own handfuls and tears. I remember the quiet thumps, but I also remember Homer gently laying the dirt upon her. Funny the things you remember-the kindness of others has been vibrant to us throughout this journey. After Homer finished burying Faith, I laid upon her grave. I smelled the dirt and rubbed the dirt. I wanted to touch every grain of the dirt that laid on Faith-to love it and hug it since I couldn't touch her. I could touch her dirt...
It was time to go. Time to take down the tent and the fuzzy chairs. Time to drive away from our daughter's final resting place. Time to end our time with her. It was so hard to drive away-everything felt so final. There were no more plans to make, no more miracles to pray for, no more flowers to choose. There was no more to do for her. The three of us got in the car to drive home. The three of us...oh how strange that feels still now. For a day, a moment, there was four...and now there are three. Shawn looked at me with his sad face and tried to lighten the air around us. He said, "Well, that was a first." As inappropriate as we have sometimes been in this journey, we laughed. We laughed to release the sadness and we laughed to make it lighter for our son. He has been such a big, big boy and I can't wait to delight in him with you soon. Jackson needed to hear laughter, so we laughed as we cried all the way home.
After Faith's funeral service, we invited friends and family to our home. We thought a few people might show up-this was a different, and difficult situation for many people. We were overwhelmed and incredibly humbled by the friends who came that night. Some drove for hours to get to our house just to see our baby girl and put their arms around our necks. I was delighted to show our girl to everyone who visited us. It was a whirlwind of people and I wanted to sit and visit with everyone. The hard part of being me sometimes is that I want to give 100% to everyone and I didn't feel I was able to give that night. I caught glimpses of people visiting and watching the slide show we put together. I saw people reading the poems and looking at her pictures. I watched as people learned about our girl, our Faith. I am honored to have so many people care about us and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting us share her with you. She is a big deal to us and to for anyone to know the 'us' of today, you've got to know our little girl. She changed us, all of us, and made us better. As difficult as the days and nights are without her, she made us better.
I pray tonight for each of you. We all have our own storms and difficult times to endure. I pray that you are able to see how it has made you better. We have learned to love more and better. We have learned to trust and to rest in the Lord, believing that He is faithful to His promises. I pray that the silver linings of any difficult situation you may have are revealed to you tonight.
Thank you for continuing on our journey, my sweet friends. Thank you for reading and posting and emailing. I can't wait to tell you more!
With much love,
LaTisha
I stayed up until after 3:00 the night before her funeral taking care of the last minute details so everything could be perfect. My body ached from having her four days before, but I knew I had to press onward. I had this one celebration for her life-no first birthdays, no graduation parties, and no wedding...just this one day to share our baby girl with our family and friends. It seems so final to write that now. I transformed our dining room to be Faith's room. All of the items she touched were set on the table with poems and Bible verses that had carried us through our journey so far. The outfit she wore the day she was born, some pictures from our day with her, and her blanket. Oh, her blanket. I took it out of the box and wept over it-it still smelled like my girl. Four days before her funeral we welcomed her into our family and met her face to face for the first time. My body and my heart ached with what we were about to do.
I woke up about 7:00 Friday morning with a song in my heart. It was strange to me-a day so heavy and so dreaded, but I truly had hymns pouring out of me all that day. A true gift from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't help but sing hymns like "I Surrender All" and "It is Well."
All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
I have learned how to surrender my everything to my Lord and Savior through this journey. What more could I give? I have handed my precious baby girl to Him and completely trust Him to love her in such a special way. As a mommy...it is difficult to do. I selfishly want to be her everything, but today and the day of her funeral I choose to trust that my God has a larger plan.
Shawn's family came to our house Thursday afternoon and my family drove in Friday morning to help with the final details. There was a buzz of activity in our home. Some blew up balloons, others placed pictures into a book, and more of our family worked on the slide show presentation. Song lists were finalized and we were finally all ready to go. Shawn, Jackson, and I rode together in our car. I think our family planned it that way. I felt like such a little girl in a very adult world-wishing it would all go away. All the noise, all the sadness, and, especially, the emptiness.
We arrived at the cemetery with our extended family surrounding the tent. All I saw was the white hearse. If I could have run away, I would. The peace from that morning, and all the hymns, were overtaken with grief. Our family sang angel songs as we walked up to the graveside service. I tried to give as many hugs and greetings as I politely could, but this day was about my baby girl. I couldn't take care of anyone else today. I wanted to remember the sights, smells, touches, and sounds of this day. Once I saw a glimpse of her tiny, white casket, I ran to her. I wanted to hug her and hold her-protect her from the emptiness of the white box. I know that she wasn't there-she never was. I firmly believe that Jesus wrapped His arms around her the moment she was born and carried her to Heaven Himself. My earthly mommy reaction, though, is to protect her. Honestly, looking back, I was probably trying to protect myself. If my arms were around her, protecting her, then my arms would be full and wouldn't ache for her the way they do.
Father Gary and my Uncle Doug married Shawn and I four years ago and now Father Gary conducting our daughter's funeral. He spoke about how he remembered the couple four years ago who vowed for better or worse, in sickness and in health. How could we have known then this is where we would be? He also watched and spoke about how we clung to each other during her ceremony. I was honored when he said we had taken the narrow road...the road less traveled. We have seen glory that we would have missed if we had terminated our pregnancy early. I was honored, humbled, and oh so stricken with grief. Our baby girl laid in front of us in a tiny white casket waiting to be buried in the dirt. How did we get here? How could we do this?
The service was as beautiful as it could have been. We played "Amazing Grace," by Chris Tomlin, "Homesick," by MercyMe, and "I Will Carry You," by Selah (I will surely write more about the last song later-it broke me and carried me throughout our journey with Faith and continues to be mportant to me now). During the ceremony, my eyes drifted to the scenery. I saw trees at the cemetery with delicate pink flowers tipping to top branches. I will never forget the tiny, yellow butterfly that danced through the graves. Such a delicate little one that seemed joyful to be there. I imagined that was Faith-gracing us with her butterfly dance one more time. I felt the breeze and truly feel it was the Holy Spirit keeping us alive and breathing that day. God gave me the details of that day and helped my eyes to notice and remember them.
My favorite part of the service was at the end. We had 55 pearly pink balloons to release. I had written a note about Faith and we had stickers for our family to write personal notes about Faith attached to the balloons. Our family sang as the balloons lifted into the perfectly blue sky. There was one balloon that didn't fly away. It just hovered along the grass-not wanting to go too far from us. It reminded me of how close Faith was to us that day (and every day). She never did do things the 'right' way. Oh, what a teenager she might have been! I would gladly take any teenage battle over facing her death. This one balloon danced around the grass, and Jackson almost panicked. The balloons were supposed to go up to the sky-why was this one not following the rules. Thank goodness for Scott, one of Shawn's cousins, for taking Jackson to find the unruly balloon. It helped him rest knowing he could hold onto it for a while.
After the balloon release, we invited family to go to our house for a lasagna supper. I had told our family a few days before that I needed to stay with Faith until the last piece of dirt was laid upon her. I was scared to death of hearing the thumps of dirt on her casket, but I needed to help her finish the journey. Again, doing the only mommy thing I could do for her. I invited everyone to stay if they wanted or leave-I could do this alone if I needed to and I didn't want to burden anyone else with the memory. To my surprise, almost everyone stayed with us. Homer took her casket off of the pedastal and set it upon the ground. He removed the material covering her grave...and there it was. A tiny hole in the ground for our daughter. I knelt by the hole and felt. I felt the dirt and the grass and the emptiness. I knelt and I felt.
I had no idea who had stayed and who had left. After sobbing over her grave, I began to realize that time was slipping by and we needed to do this. Shawn, Jackson, and I kissed her casket one last time. Then Shawn and Homer lowered her into the ground. I can hardly type that sentence without falling apart. I remember so vividly the look on Shawn's face and the tears falling down his cheeks to the tip of his nose. I watched as Daddy's tears fell upon Faith's casket. How surreal this journey has been...
We had single stem white roses for those who chose to stay with us to lay upon her casket in the ground. I knelt by her grave and watched the people we love mourn our little girl. She was ours-all of ours and we all mourn the loss of her. Faith Marie was a sister, daughter, granddaughter, a niece, a great-niece, and a cousin. We were all heartbroken to let her go. Again I found it difficult to watch the people we love so dearly hurt so deeply. I wanted to fix it for them, for me. Yet I knelt by her grave and watched. Oh, Jesus, come now! Come and fill this void we have. Remind us of Your greatness and faithfulness. We need You now, Lord!
Then came the dirt...first by our hands and then by the shovel. Homer himself shoveled the dirt onto Faith's casket as tenderly as he possibly could. What a burden he had on his shoulders-to care for us and seal Faith's casket and grave. While he shoveled, Shawn, Jackson, and I helped with our own handfuls and tears. I remember the quiet thumps, but I also remember Homer gently laying the dirt upon her. Funny the things you remember-the kindness of others has been vibrant to us throughout this journey. After Homer finished burying Faith, I laid upon her grave. I smelled the dirt and rubbed the dirt. I wanted to touch every grain of the dirt that laid on Faith-to love it and hug it since I couldn't touch her. I could touch her dirt...
It was time to go. Time to take down the tent and the fuzzy chairs. Time to drive away from our daughter's final resting place. Time to end our time with her. It was so hard to drive away-everything felt so final. There were no more plans to make, no more miracles to pray for, no more flowers to choose. There was no more to do for her. The three of us got in the car to drive home. The three of us...oh how strange that feels still now. For a day, a moment, there was four...and now there are three. Shawn looked at me with his sad face and tried to lighten the air around us. He said, "Well, that was a first." As inappropriate as we have sometimes been in this journey, we laughed. We laughed to release the sadness and we laughed to make it lighter for our son. He has been such a big, big boy and I can't wait to delight in him with you soon. Jackson needed to hear laughter, so we laughed as we cried all the way home.
 |
| Faith's casket spray was important to us. We didn't want it to be full of only carnations and greenery. We wanted her to have a bridal bouquet filled with gardenias and roses. She may never have her wedding day, but she had her bridal bouquet. |
I pray tonight for each of you. We all have our own storms and difficult times to endure. I pray that you are able to see how it has made you better. We have learned to love more and better. We have learned to trust and to rest in the Lord, believing that He is faithful to His promises. I pray that the silver linings of any difficult situation you may have are revealed to you tonight.
Thank you for continuing on our journey, my sweet friends. Thank you for reading and posting and emailing. I can't wait to tell you more!
With much love,
LaTisha
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