So, this is the hard part...

Most of us are completely changed by becoming a mom, even those of us who have dreamed of it all of our lives. Becoming a mom to Jackson changed me forever. The fiber of my being is different. I think, feel, act, dream, and love differently because of him. Yet, I remember when I was pregnant (confession time!) feeling like I wasn't prepared. I had wanted him forever, but didn't know how much my whole life would change. Looking back, I had every right to feel that way because being a mom has altered every aspect of my life. My relationships changed, work changed, and certainly daily chores changed. Oh how I have loved the change! God knew what He was doing making the pregnancy exactly as long enough to begin to love a little person with your whole heart. We, as moms, don't save and protect a part for ourselves. We give it all with reckless abandon. I remember the doctors losing Jackson's heart rate in labor and telling the doctor to do whatever he needed to do to help our precious boy. He could have cut my leg off if that would have saved Jackson and that would have been perfectly fine with me (a little inconvenient, but ok). That was when I knew I had become a mom-scared to death and willing to do anything to save him. Reckless abandon!

When we first learned that we were pregnant with Faith, I had a different feeling. I knew what it was like to be a mom and to love someone so much it hurts. I knew the work load and how it would rip my heart out to leave her at daycare when I returned to work. I knew I would physically hurt me when she hurt. But, part of me thought I might love her a little less (more confession time). I thought there was no way to love another child how I love Jackson. I remember telling my mom that I finally understood life. She must love me less because I am number two.  She laughed, of course, and told me to just wait. There are places in my heart I didn't know about yet. I thought I had it all figured out.

Once again, mom was right. As the pregnancy progressed with Faith, even before we knew she wasn't made for this world, my feelings about 'Number 2' grew. They grew to the point of reckless abandon on July 28 when we had our ultrasound and learned all about her. I was ready to do whatever it would take to save her. That's what we moms do! I even thought then that maybe my love for her would diminish somehow. Knowing that we would never get to bring her home from the hospital, love her through long nights, rock her to sleep, and paint those precious toenails might help me to protect myself.  Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much...

Once again, I was wrong. I love Faith in a special way. I love her with my whole heart. Just because she was 'Number 2' and she wasn't made for this world doesn't mean I am not her mom. I am. I am Faith's mommy and I always will be. I love her with reckless abandon. I couldn't save a part of my heart and protect it from loving her because she is a part of me...such a huge and important part. I understand what mom says now when she tells my sister and I that she loves us the same amount, but in different ways. She couldn't choose between us or love one of us more than the other. How foolish I was to think my heart wasn't big enough. It is. My heart is big enough to love our two children equally and differently. What a journey it is to become a mommy!

So, this is the hard part. Thanksgiving is here in a couple of days and we have so much for which to be thankful. We truly do-this year more than ever before. I can't help to think how this holiday season was supposed to be so different. We were supposed to have Faith with us at holiday dinners. We were supposed to hold her up at the Thanksgiving table and tell God and our family how thankful we are for this little bundle of joy. We were supposed to do so many things...

Now we hold each other's hands and tell each other silly things like "It'll get better." I'm sure it will change with time (more time), but there will always be a missing part. I am a mom and I love her with every fiber of my being. I will always miss her. I know now that even if we have ten more children (Father, that is NOT a prayer request!), there should be eleven. We will always be missing one in our family pictures. We will always miss Faith and I know that won't change.

I hear the holidays are the hardest time when you lose a loved one. I honestly hope so. My original due date was December 15, so we are edging up to a very difficult time. Our first Thanksgiving without her, the day that should have been her birthday, and our first Christmas. It is all so bittersweet. I have an appreciation for life and family now. I see the world a little different-somehow better in a way. Yet, I miss my baby girl. I want to hold her and shower her with Christmas gifts. I want to take pictures of her and her brother under the tree. I want her here.  God reminds me every time I say "I want her here," that she is better where she is. She doesn't hurt and doesn't feel sad. She plays and praises our Lord continually for all the good He has done. She is in Heaven and loving it!  As a mom, who loves with reckless abandon, what more could I ask for her? Father, please do what is best for my children and my family even if it tears me apart. I trust You that much and will praise You all my days for what you have given and what you have taken away. I trust You. We, as Faith's family, will put our nose to the grind and get through this season. We will have joy and peace. I also know that this is going to be the hardest part-to get through our year of 'firsts.'

My dear friend, who I have yet to meet, had a baby girl around the same time we had Faith. Their baby girl lives in Heaven with Faith now. Through the Lord's perfect design, we have had contact with each other and I appreciate her and her family more than she knows. I read her blog and saw that her request for people to leave a testimony of how their baby girl left a mark on this world. As fellow grieving parents I understand why she did this. We need to know there is a greater reason and cause for the loss of our daughters. We need to try to understand and grasp with our finite minds on this Earth what the purpose was. We won't know until we sit with our God and chat with Him, but we might have a little peace knowing our baby girls touched the world...brought some families closer or brought people closer to our Lord.

So, I am repeating her request on our site. This is the hard part for us-our holiday season of 'firsts' and it would bless us if you could take a moment to share if and how Faith touched your family or your life. We cling to this knowing that God had a bigger plan for her and would love to see a glimpse of it on this Earth.  Please do not feel obligated, but we would be so blessed if you felt led and comfortable to write a short note.

My email is latisha.bard@gmail.com

It is Thanksgiving and we are fully concentrating on giving thanks for what we have. We have an amazing little boy and a precious girl. I couldn't be more proud of them! They are my children and I love them each deeply. I love each of you as well. I am so thankful for you this year. You who are reading this and have stood in the gap for us. I am thankful for you who have walked side by side with us. I am so blessed to know you, even if I don't yet know your face. I know I will and I will get to introduce you in Heaven to my beautiful children!  Thank you, thank you for continuing to walk with us. We will have brighter days ahead, this is just the hard part.

With such a grateful heart,
LaTisha