One month and still here

One month ago today we held Faith in our arms and one month ago today Jesus called her home to dance with Him in Heaven. One month ago we doted on her. One month ago we held her tiny self with all the love a family can have. One month ago I kissed those perfect little fingers and marveled at her precious fingernails. One month ago she was here, in the same room with us. One month feels like an eternity!  It feels so long since I have smelled her sweet baby smell and looked upon my daughter's beautiful face. One month and I know so much more now...I love so much more now.

My heart aches for her each and every day. There isn't a day that goes by without drying tears wept over our loss. I still have an open wound where my little girl is supposed to be. However, with each passing day, I am reminded that He carries me and our family. There have been so many days this past month through which I didn't think I could manage. But I have. I am still here. Still walking, breathing, and, even sometimes, laughing. I am still here seeing the golden nuggets God has given us along this journey. I am still here with unspeakable joy and peace for what my Lord has given and for what He has taken away. I have peace that Faith came into our lives in His perfect time and in His perfect way. I rest in this. I so often wonder how people survive something like this without leaning upon Jesus for comfort, without having God's promises on which to cling. I know that our faith has carried us and I cling daily to the promise I will get to hold Faith in my arms again, kiss those perfect little hands, and smell her sweet baby smell.

It happened today. I took Jackson to gymnastics for his Tuesday night class and sat next to the other mommies and daddies watching their preschoolers learn how to tumble, sit in a pike, and blast off from a tuck position. Jackson loves gymnastics and always looks forward to our Tuesday night dates. I, however, have learned that if there is a pregnant woman or a baby girl within a mile, they are going to find me. It has actually become a bit of a joke in our house and almost a competition week to week of how many we can find. Please understand, first, that I love babies and pregnant women. I always have. Now, I react differently when I see them. Now I see baby girls and pray. 'Please, Father, give this mommy and daddy extra love in their hearts, patience in their homes, and let them see the miracle they have before them.' Pregnant mommies are a little different. I almost weep in prayer for them-praying that they never have to endure the loss. Praying that their child is healthy and gets to go home with them (as Jackson would say). I throw myself to kneel in front of our Father's throne and prayerfully request, or just plain beg Him, to spare them sorrow. Funny thing-each time I pray that prayer, I am reminded of all we have learned and gained from Faith. So every time I also pray that, if He would be glorified by their family having a similar journey, that He carry them through just as He has carried our family with bountiful grace. Every time I change my prayer to 'Thy will be done' and I trust Him. As Nonna said "I wouldn't wish this journey upon anyone, but wouldn't trade it for the world."

So, what happened? The little gymnasts wore their Halloween costumes to gymnastics class today. How funny to see a mermaid, Spider man, kitty cats, and our little football player tumbling! This actually sparked some conversation between some of the moms and I. 'Who is yours?', "Oh, you have the princess!", 'How cute!' among the other niceties that mommies say to each other during these proud mommy moments. One of the moms spoke about the hand-me-down princess costume her daughter was wearing. Ridden with guilt, she made up for the costume with precious goodie bags for all the kids. After she shared about their costume debacle, she asked the question. "So, how many kids do you have?" Hmmmm...do I spare her the truth or just lay it out there? So many thoughts and emotions raced through my mind. I decided in that moment that I will always claim Faith and allow God to take the conversations where He may. He may use this question to open the door to our testimony about our journey with our baby girl. He might bring us other parents who have lost a child and a friend who understands the loss. He might just use Faith a little more because He has not finished her story, people she still needs to touch. Perhaps His glory is at stake in these conversations and someone needs to hear how mighty and merciful our Jesus is in our daily lives. So, I openly and honestly told the other mom that I am learning how to answer that question. "My husband and I have two children. Our son, Jackson, is 3 and our daughter, Faith, was born a month ago and is dancing with Jesus in Heaven." She looked shocked for a moment and gave her condolences. She then did the greatest thing another person could do. She asked about our baby girl. Oh, what a gift she gave...

I continue to thank God for giving us all of you in our lives! You have enriched our family and our faith beyond measure. When our hearts break open and we feel the depth of our hurt, you are all there praying for us and encouraging us. Thank you doesn't come close to expressing our gratitude. So many of you have opened up and shared personally how Faith Marie has touched you and your family. You have shared how her legacy lives on through changed lives and families. What peace that has brought to us! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I understand what it has taken for you to open up and share with us personally. It is a strange feeling to open up to someone else like I have opened up to all of you. It is almost like walking into the world exposed, without anything to hide or protect the parts you don't want seen. I almost didn't start our blog because Shawn and I didn't want to 'burden' any of you with our pain. My, how I was wrong! Without opening up and exposing myself and our family, we would have missed out on some of God's greatest gifts He had for us through Faith's life. Without opening up and exposing us, I would have missed the chance to do something I love and have missed. I have always loved to write, but I haven't taken the time or had an inspiration to continue writing until now. So, again, I thank you for listening and exposing yourself to us. We are honored you have trusted us so and please know you are all in our daily prayers! You have all left footprints on our hearts and we are grateful for you.

Grateful and still breathing,
L

Breathing and Believing!

It is Sunday and I am pleased to report that I am still breathing. Sounds like a silly thing to appreciate, but I do. Last week I had doubts that I could make it. I thought taking a step out of my cocoon would shatter my very existence. I thought I would crumble. So, it is Sunday and I am still breathing. Praise God for being so, so good to us!

I have had some time to reflect this weekend. Thank you, again, to those who have chosen to keep us lifted in the wee hours of the night! I guess I am the most still, quiet, and able to hear His voice when I am sleeping. Most nights I don't argue when I wake up now. I sit and listen to what He needs to say.

I realized and lived out some promises this week. I realized that I could go back to out into the real world and breathe. It isn't easy and I have changed, but I can do this. The Lord has had to literally carry me through this week. Monday and Tuesday were my first days alone since Faith was born. We have been blessed with a loving family and my mom who was willing to endure some craft therapy! If you haven't tried it, craft therapy is a little fun. Mom and I made flower arrangements, feather trees, and some fall decor. Beautiful or not, I don't think I will ever be able to let these pieces go because of the memories attached to them. However, alone time with the quiet has always been my most difficult time. I rested and I knew some hard days were ahead, especially with Shawn being out of town this week.

The clouds rolled in on Thursday. It was a marked change in the weather we have had here in Houston. Since the day Faith was born, we have had clear blue skies. The humidity has been low and so have the temperatures! We have had over 3 weeks of perfect weather. Thank you, Father, and thank you, Faith! Thursday changed...the clouds and humidity rolled in. The temperatures were a bit warmer and the sky not so blue. I knew the weather was bound to change, but appreciate the little details of 'coincidence' our God uses to show us He is with us and knows exactly where we are. He used the weather this week to let me know He was with me all the time.

I went back to work on Thursday and, by the end of the day, questioned if I was truly ready. It was difficult to catch up on what I had missed, make decisions, and see everyone for the first time without Faith. People who saw me very pregnant a few short weeks ago now see a 'normal' me. Most everyone was kind and gracious and some, honestly, didn't know what to say or how to be around me. By the end of the day I was emotionally and physically exhausted. As I laid in bed Thursday night, I wondered if every day was going to be so difficult. I realized that I had dreaded going back to work so much because it was another time I had to say 'goodbye' to Faith. It was a step out of the valley toward the mountaintop. Sometimes climbing is difficult work and sometimes the mountaintop seems so far from the bottom. Sometimes the first step is the hardest because it is leaving the beauty of the valley for the long journey. I prayed and prayed Thursday for the Lord to lift the heaviness that had settled upon me, to bring joy back into my heart, and for Jesus to hold her extra tight. I cried and prayed myself to sleep.

The sun rose Friday morning and so did my heart. My eyes and face were puffy from weeping, but something inside had changed. My God had sustained me and heard all of our prayers. I have been so uplifted by your prayers for strength this week and, I am ecstatic to say, they are working! Friday was easier than Thursday. The second step is sometimes a little easier! I am not saying that Friday was particularly joyful or lighthearted, but the heaviness and sorrow that had settled in for the past week had begun to lift.

I have believed Jesus during our time with Faith. I believed that He could heal her, that He would sustain us, and that He would take care of every detail. Today I have awakened to a new journey with my Lord. I am believing Him again. Yes, there will be sorrow, doubt, and fear along the way, but my God is bigger than all of that! I am believing that His glory has been achieved and will continue to be achieved throughout our time with Faith. I am believing that Jesus is all we need in this life. I need my husband, my kids, and my family, but Jesus is our way to have an eternity together! I can live this short life on Earth in any condition as long as I know I will have an eternity with my Lord and my loved ones. I am believing that people have been touched, have been brought to their knees, and have grown closer because of Faith. I cannot thank you enough for all the posts and messages you have sent testifying to this! I am believing that God has used this for His glory and that is enough to sustain me during the good days and sad days.

I was driving to pick up Jackson on Thursday (probably one of the hardest emotional days of this journey for me, so far). As I listened to some songs we had played at Faith's funeral, I turned my tear-filled eyes toward Heaven. I asked God, "Do you know what you have asked me to give up? Do you see how I hurt so? This is so hard...do you know, Lord? Do you know how hard this is?" In an instant, I heard the answer. Not in an audible voice, but so clearly heard the answer in my heart. "Yes, child, I know your hurt. I know what I asked you to give and I see how you are hurting. I gave My Son for you, so you could live and have an eternity with Me." God Himself knows my hurt. He gave His Son for us. I find comfort knowing He has been there. He knows. He was sad, too. There is glory in the mourning, my dear friends! When days are dark and we our hearts are heavy, Heaven stands to take care of us. He has lifted the weight of my sorrow so I can see His glory!

I pray that whatever circumstance is surrounding your life, you know that God is with you. He sees your every hurt and your every need. He will sustain you, if you invite Him in and let Him. I know I cannot do this on my own. Daily I will give my sorrows and my joys to Him. I will thank Him and praise Him for choosing us to be Faith's parents no matter how much it hurts right now. I know that His glory has been seen by more people than I could have ever touched without her. I know that I will hold her again in my arms and kiss her perfect little hands Heaven. And I know that my Lord will sustain me until we get there!

With love, appreciation, and hope,
L

Our Jackson...

Have I told you about our Jackson? He has been amazing to watch throughout this journey. To understand him, you need to know a little bit about him (and it gives me a moment to be a proud mommy!). Shawn and I were pregnant with Jackson shortly after we got married. I was so sick during the first and second trimesters, but we were so excited about beginning our family. Shawn and I always wanted children and were ecstatic to find out that we were having a boy. We found out, a week after our 20 week ultrasound, that Jackson had a hole in his heart. I was alone for this appointment when the doctor shared the news (which is probably why I no longer go alone to appointments!). I began to research all I could find about VSDs. We spent the rest of the pregnancy worrying about him and praying for the hole in his heart would close. The Lord touched Jackson while we were pregnant with him. We went for a fetal echo-cardiogram shortly before Jackson was born and his heart was healed! God was so faithful and healed our little boy's heart. The rest of the pregnancy was less eventful until...

My water broke at almost 34 weeks. Shawn and I rushed to the hospital and I went in to full labor. After a day of laboring, Jackson's heart rate dropped and we had to have an emergency C-section. We were so worried and scared that day-not knowing what would happen to him. I know, looking back now, that the Lord had us in His hands the entire time. He was using Jackson's delivery to prepare us for Faith. Oh how He works in wonderful ways! Jackson spent over 2 weeks in the hospital before he was strong enough to come home.

During his first months at home, Jackson had to eat around the clock at 11, 2, 5, and 8. I don't think we ever slept! He was also on a heart monitor due to his apnea and premature lungs for 10 months. He still battles with asthma. Jackson is 3 years old and has endured 4 surgeries-he knows so many doctors by name!

I share this with you so that you can understand why Shawn and I were hesitant to tell him about Faith. One doctor advised us to tell him she was sick and wouldn't be able to come home. Another doctor advised us to tell him she had heart problems and couldn't breath. How could we tell him any of this? Jackson has heart issues-he still has a murmur and we are going to a cardiologist for a check-up in January. Jackson has a hard time breathing sometimes. Mommy and Daddy are sometimes sick, too. What if we tell him she is sick and he begins to worry that he will die or that we will die? It was too much for a 3 year old to handle. Shawn and I prayed about what to tell Jackson and how to involve him in Faith's life. We wanted him to love her and know her, but we also wanted to protect him from the hurt we were feeling and knew he would feel. As parents, we wanted to shield him from the pain. We soon knew that there was no shield for this. We were going to walk this as a family and pray for God's hand to be upon us and upon Jackson. Our prayers began to change and we asked God for wisdom and guidance. We also petitioned Him to give Jackson insight and understanding beyond his 3 years of life. God answered our prayers!

You see, Jackson was excited to have a baby. He had picked out toys to share with him or her, knew which room in the house would be the nursery, and kept reminding us that he was going to be big at Christmas time and hold the baby. He was thrilled to be a big brother and we were excited about how tender he would talk about the baby. We knew the night we told him about Faith, he would be confused and crushed. I think that is why Shawn and I dreaded that evening so much. We watched Jackson's heart break that night.

Shawn held Jackson in his lap the day we told him about Baby Faith. We told him that most mommies and daddies bring their babies home, but our baby was very special. She was going to go live with Jesus. Our baby had many 'owies' and the doctors couldn't help her. The doctors can help Jackson and his 'owies' with band aids and medicine, but Faith's 'owies' were too big. So, Faith gets to go and live with Jesus. From that day, Jackson kept asking me if Faith was in my tummy. At random moments, he would make sure Faith would go be with Jesus. We would see pregnant mommies in the store and he would ask about their babies. Do they get to take their baby home or is she going to be with Jesus? It was so difficult to watch him try to understand why our baby was so special. He did great, though. With a smile on his face he would tell strangers that our baby, Baby Faith, was going to live with Jesus.

We began to prepare him for the hospital time and and what would happen afterwards. Thank goodness for the movie 'Barnyard.' One of the cows dies and the other animals have a funeral. It shows the other animals being sad and bringing flowers to the buried cow. One Saturday morning, we began to talk about the funeral with Jackson. After someone goes to be with Jesus, we put their body in a box and put dirt on it. It sounds so final to say it that way, but we had to prepare him for what he was going to see. His sister was going to be in a box and we were going to put dirt on her...we had to prepare him for this. The dirt became a topic of conversation for a while. He began to ask if it was time to put dirt on Baby Faith.

During this time, my tummy was growing and Faith was moving. When I rocked Jackson to sleep at night, he would put his hand or his face on my tummy and wait for Baby Faith to move or kick him. He was so tickled when he could feel her! He became protective of my tummy and wouldn't let our dog lay too close. He wouldn't let me press on my tummy to get her to move because he didn't want me to hurt her. He began to be her big brother-trying to touch her and protect her from the world. It was all so bittersweet to watch him grow to love her so. He carried his Faith Bear everywhere we went and told anyone who would listen all about her. He prayed for her at all different times-in the car, at bedtime, and randomly. Just a few days before she was born, I heard Jackson ask Jesus to make Faith better. He would pray to Jesus without us prompting him. She was ever-present in his life and in our life. I wanted to hold onto her for Jackson's sake-for all of us. How could any of us let her go, much less her big brother?

The day Faith was born, Jackson slept for about 4 hours during a 36 hour time frame. I know that the Lord sustained Jackson that day because he was in the best mood without having any sleep. He played and played in the hospital room throughout the night before Faith arrived. He didn't want to sleep-didn't want to miss any part of this. After Faith was born, Jackson wanted to see her and know her. He never held her, but would ask to see her. If he couldn't see her or find where she was, he would almost panic. It seemed that day that he was afraid she would leave the room and not come back. Once he realized who was holding her, he would be alright and continue playing. All was well for him as long as Faith was in the room. I think we all felt that way.

The time came to tell her goodbye and let the nurse take her for the final time. We had prepared Jackson for this. The three of us sang 'Happy Birthday' to her and said prayers over her. Jackson gave her his Faith Bear that he had carried everywhere with him the past few months. He asked her to take it to Jesus. It was at the end of the day when he asked us about her eyes.  We told him that Jesus was giving Faith eyes in Heaven for her birthday so she could see Jesus and watch over us. He still talks today about the eyes that Jesus gave Faith that day.

After Faith's birthday, we began to prepare Jackson for her funeral. We explained to him that our big family was coming and that people would probably be sad because we miss Baby Faith. Any time he hears a sniffle to this day, he asks if we are sad for her. It is hard to explain to him that we are sad and happy at the same time. It is actually difficult to explain that to anyone. We are grieving so deeply for the loss of our daughter, but we have an unspeakable joy for what is to come-for the day when we get to hold her again and never tell her goodbye. Strange emotions to try to explain. So, we tell him that we are happy Baby Faith is with Jesus in Heaven, but we are a little sad because we miss her here and want to give her hugs.

Oh, the day of Faith's funeral was one of my proudest as Jackson's mommy. Jackson was excited to have a suit like Daddy's. I actually don't know who was more proud, Shawn or Jackson. My, they looked handsome. I remember helping Jackson get dressed that day. I thought about his graduation day and his wedding day. Maybe I will get help him with his tie those days, too. He's growing up so fast! He looked so big in his suit.

He took a short nap as we drove to the cemetery. As we arrived, Jackson saw Faith's 'box.' He walked with me that day-he never left my side.

We walked as a family. We walked to her casket and knelt beside her. We sat in the fuzzy chairs and listened to the beautiful words and music. We saw the butterflies and pink flowers. Then, Jackson held his pink balloon. He held it for Baby Faith and then he let it go. It was a proud moment for him as a brother-something he could do for her. He knew that the pretty pink balloons were going up to Heaven to Jesus and to his sister.

After the balloon release, it was time to bury Faith. I struggled with letting Jackson watch the dirt go on her casket, but he wanted to stay. He wanted to finish the journey just like we did.

He hugged her casket before it was laid in the ground.

He laid the first rose on Faith's casket.

He knelt by her grave and said a prayer for his baby sister.

He gently helped pour the dirt in her grave.

He grew that day and all the days on this journey. Our boy grew. He grew in his faith for Jesus. He grew in his love for his family. He grew in his understanding of how precious life and love are. He grew! All this time Shawn and I had been so worried about scaring him and wanting to protect him from the sadness. Had we shielded Jackson from this, we wouldn't have seen some of the greatest blessings. Our little boy grew and has such a depth of faith and character to him.

I would have never wished this journey upon us, especially not upon Jackson. But, I have seen the glory of the Lord through this. I will speak of great joys our God has given us through our sorrow for the rest of my life to anyone who will listen. People ask if I am scared or sad to talk about what we have been through. It is quite the opposite! If I can share anything with anyone to help them through a tough time, I am honored. You see, it is my baby girl's legacy and my pure joy to share with you. It keeps her here, keeps me grounded, and reminds me how faithful God is to His promises. I will be Faith's voice to whomever will listen or read because this is the greater purpose for her life. We will share with others and encourage others to see beauty in the ashes. If you dig deep enough and keep your eyes open, there is beauty. Just look at our Jackson!  :)

Love,
Jackson and Faith's proud Mommy

Reminded

The past few days have been pretty tough for me. I can't put my finger on the exact cause other than sorrow is here to stay. It seems as though sorrow has settled in my every bone and whispers in my ear it is not going away any time soon. I don't know why I am surprised at this, but I am. Our pregnancy with Faith had a finish line-there was going to be a day when we wouldn't be travelling to the doctor every other week, when I wouldn't feel sick any more, and when we wouldn't count her movements to make sure she was still alive in me. But with the end of our pregnancy came the end of the possibilities. I always believed that God could heal her and, the further our pregnancy progressed, the more I believed in the possibility. The Lord simply had bigger plans for her and for us. He has given her a legacy in this world that far exceeds anything I could have imagined and I am reminded today that we are still her voice even though she is gone.

Yes, sorrow is here and will be close to my side for I don't know how long. There is no finish line for this like there was when we were pregnant with her. I hear that it will change and become easier as time goes by. But today, sorrow is here. I don't know if I feel this way because of the preliminary autopsy report we received on Friday, because this week I have spent my first two days alone since she was born, or because I am going back to work and the real world on Thursday. I know it is a mixture of everything and, yet, only one thing. I lost my daughter, so sorrow is here. I'm a little nervous about going back to the real world. Some moments and some days it takes everything I have to put a smile on my face for Jackson. Will I be able to do that all day long?  I don't know, but I know I have to try. God promised daily bread, so I am counting on Him.

God has been so good today...a day when I needed simple reminders. When sorrow has gotten too close for my comfort, He has given me reminders of why this has happened and how Faith has left a legacy. I received more than five messages today from family and friends who 'felt' we needed extra prayers today. How ever-present our Lord is! Our God is a living God who takes care of us now. He used those of you who have left messages or emails to lift me up and give me some breathing space from the sorrow that has been overwhelming.

I know I have said this before, but the Lord has truly used each of your messages to remind me that we will get through this. We can do this...one day at a time. Thank you for reminding me of the joys of our journey today. When sorrow creeps in, I know I can go to all of your messages of prayer, love, and changed lives to be reminded of how good our God is and how majestically He works everything according to His purpose. I am reminded today that God loves Faith even more than I do and He is taking care of her. She is in Heaven praising Him for giving her eyes to see, a heart to love, and ears to hear angels sing. What more could a mommy want for her baby girl? I gave her the greatest gift I could as a mother by letting her go to Heaven and be with Jesus. So, as sorrow sits closely with me, I thank you for reminding me today of the joy we have been given throughout this journey.

I will, for the rest of my life, be grateful for Faith...the joy and the sorrow. She mattered and she still matters. She is still reaching people far and wide. She is still encouraging us to love each other a little deeper, share a little more, and trust our Jesus with all we have. She has changed us, our family, and even some of yours. Thank you for sharing your lives with us. Thank you again for your messages, prayers, and love.

My Letter to Faith and Our Song

There is so much I wanted to say to our daughter when she was born and even more I want to tell her today!  I wrote a letter to Faith and read it at her funeral. I have had a few family members ask me to post it, so here it is. I am trying to get to a place to write and tell her more. Emotionally, it is hard for me to go there. Til then, here is my first letter to Faith Marie from her funeral...

My sweet Faith,

Do you know that you mattered in this world? You held weight and you changed people.  Most of us live a lifetime and don’t reach out and touch the people that you have touched and changed.  I know I certainly haven’t. 

You reached people across the world with your story.  People in the Czech Republic, Hungary, Poland, Italy, Canada, Mexico, and across the United States know your name, your story, and your testimony.  I have received letters from people whom you have inspired to reach deeper in their own faith.  Baby girl, you have brought people closer to Jesus and have introduced them to a side of our Savior they may have never known without you.  What a legacy you have!

Faith, you have changed your big brother.  He now knows the power of prayer and the gift of peace.  He has learned so much about Heaven and Jesus’ gifts to us because of you.  Daddy and I were so worried that this journey would scar him and make him sad, but he has been joyful and oh so curious about you. Your brother has spent much time praying for you-not just before bedtime, but at random times.  Last week, before you were born, he raised his eyes toward Jesus and asked Him to make you all better.  His prayers were answered, sweet girl. Thank you for adding dimension and depth to your brother’s life and faith.

You have changed your Daddy, sweet girl. I have seen depth of character, strength, and love that I never knew in him before you. Your Daddy loves his children and his family, but he says it and shows it much more since you’ve been a part of us. Do you know how broken he was the day of the ultrasound? I watched him crumble before my eyes because he hurt so for you. Oh Faith, we both wanted you so desperately here on Earth! After we learned that your body was not meant for this world, I watched your Daddy change. He hugs more, loves more, and cries so much more. He’s not afraid to show his heart. What a gift you have given the world by opening up your Daddy for everyone to see the beauty of his spirit!

Most of all, baby girl, you changed me! You have made me a better daughter, sister, aunt, wife, and mommy. I was also broken the day of the ultrasound-how in the world could I ever let you go? During the weeks we knew your prognosis, something happened in me. I have always walked close with Jesus and depended on him for my everything, but I have never known Him like this. Thank you for teaching me about Heaven and the gift of sacrifice. I have learned through this journey with you how much I love Him and exactly how much I trust in Him.  My precious daughter, I am trusting Him with you. I trust Him to rock you at night and sing you lullabies. I trust Him to tell you about your mommy, daddy, brother, and whole family who love you to pieces. To tell you how Mommy would have loved to paint your toes, have picnics in the grass, dance with you, and plan your wedding day. Oh how I wanted to make memories with you. The funny thing is that I have. You have been to waterparks, slides, weddings, parties, and movies. You have been loved so deeply-in such a different way than any other child. I have stayed up at night rocking you, singing to you, and waiting for you to kick and move in me. You have taught me to treasure each and every moment. We are never guaranteed another day here and we must love while we can. You have taught me that it is so much better to have loved and lost…I can’t imagine how much I would have missed out on if I had not carried you as long as I could.

Faith Marie, I miss you terribly. I want to hold you and snuggle with you-especially in the quiet of the night. I think about the nights we would stay awake together and rock. I think about the first steps you will never take and way you will never cry out my name. Oh how desperately I want you here.  More importantly, baby girl, I am happy you are with Jesus. I know you bring a smile to His face because you have certainly brought smiles to ours. Thank you for letting me be your Mommy and for staying with us as long as you did.  I know it was a long road and you fought every moment to be here. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for giving us as much time as you did. Thank you for kicking me at 3:00 in the morning (I sure do miss that!) and thank you for letting us know you.

You changed us-so many of us.  You mattered, sweet girl…you mattered.

I love you oh so much and I will always will. Long after today-for the rest of my life. I am anxious to hold you in my arms again.

Til then…Mommy loves you!

The song that has carried me throughout this journey is "I Will Carry You," by Selah. Here are the words to the song which we played at Faith's funeral-it speaks so clearly to how I feel about our baby girl. I couldn't have written a more perfect song.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Have a blessed evening and give an extra hug to the ones you hold dearest!

LaTisha

Preliminary Report

These days I am trying to be a mommy to Jackson and a wife to Shawn...I know it hurts them to see me sad. Truth is I miss her today and every day. I was getting Jackson's plate ready for supper on Friday and had to walk out of the room. I couldn't breath because of the weight of sadness that constantly sits on me. I may look 'normal' and I may sound OK when we talk, but deep down I am sad and miss our little girl. I miss what she was and what she could have been. Oh I want to hold her and rock her so badly!

Dr. Thornton, my OB, called Friday. She prescribed folic acid, DHA, and prenatal vitamins for me to begin now to begin preparing my body for when we are ready to try again. My fear gripped me on Friday and hasn't quite let go. I am praying for God to take it away and I completely trust Him for whatever He has in store for us, but I am scared. The doctor also said the preliminary autopsy results came in Friday. All of Faith's chromosomes were normal. Normal. Normal. There is nothing 'normal' about this. Normal means you go in the hospital, have the baby, and bring the baby home. Normal means you lose sleep at night. Normal means are a sleep-deprived zombie doing bottle duty and laundry at all hours of the day and night. This, this empty feeling, is not normal!

I digress...the preliminary autopsy report came in on Friday. Faith's chromosomes were normal. However, the pathologists at Texas Children's want to do some additional DNA testing on Shawn, Faith, and myself. They are looking at bands on two chromosomes and need some additional blood work from Shawn and I. I asked Dr.Thornton, just for clarification and reassurance, if the tests would hopefully give us some explanation of what happened to Faith. Hopefully they will, but there is no guarantee (such a fitting answer for our journey we have had with Faith). She then told me that we are at a higher risk of something like this happening again. I guess once your name has been drawn out of a hat, you are more likely to be drawn the next time.

I panicked as I got of the phone. I lost my breath and I let the tears fall. I can't do this again. Lord, I can't! Fear took hold of me and is still clenching to me with everything bit of strength it has. I am confessing this to all of you so that you know where we are. Today, I am scared. Scared to find out what was wrong with Faith, if something could possibly happen to Jackson or his children, and scared of trying again. I am clinging to my Lord and His promises all over again. Daily bread-stop looking at the future and getting scared, LaTisha. Look at today and all the Lord has given. I am a blessed woman and I know that He will carry us through whatever the future holds for our family. We will make it through and we will be stronger in our faith and love because of what He teaches us along the way. I know the fullness of spending intimate time with our Lord and Savior and I rest in the fact that He will be there holding us, no matter what comes.

My prayer for your family is that you rest knowing that God has taken care of tomorrow. Whether it is the loss of a job, the loss of a child, or the loss of yourself, God has it and will take care of it all.

Believing Him for all of us,
LaTisha

If...

It has been three weeks today since Faith was born and went to be with Jesus in Heaven. I so often refer to her going to be with Jesus. Truth is that she died. She died as she entered this world and there is so much responsibility I feel. I feel as though I let her down, that my body couldn't sustain her anymore. I feel like I should have taken it easy the last few weeks thinking that her arrival was coming soon. I feel if I had been able to physically keep down the vitamins and the food during the first trimester instead of being so sick, maybe things would have been different. I feel as though I let her go too soon. If I hadn't taken a short walk with Mom and Jackson the day she was born, if I hadn't been so sick, if I would have kept my feet up longer and rested more, if.....

Truth is I have always beaten myself up for my mistakes in life. I have shouldered guilt since I was a little girl. Mom only had to give me 'the look' and I knew I had messed up, or worse yet, disappointed her. Dad always told me that they didn't have to really punish me because I punished myself more than they could. While I choose daily to see the strength in having high expectations for myself, I know that I still beat myself up. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and I am learning that they have prepared me for these moments I have had the last three weeks. My aunt gave me an amazing gift the day that Faith was buried (thanks, Aunt Sister!). She told me she was proud of me and my response was 'Gosh, I've messed up so many times...' I didn't understand how she could be proud. She took my face in her hands and told me that the road I have traveled has made me who I am and, yes, she was proud. I have had time to think about this over the past couple of weeks. My aunt reminded me of what I know about my Lord. I know my Jesus better than I ever have because of this part of my journey with Him. I know that guilt is not offered by Him, but is something that I carry all on my own. My job is to give it over to Him-let Him have it. He has cast my mistakes as far as the east is from the west. They are no longer mine to own and I have to let them go.

The 'ifs' in this life...how daunting they are to me! At the beginning of this post, I wrote about how I 'feel.' I am trying to be so open and honest with all of you-my dearest friends. I do 'feel' as though I let Faith down and I do wish with every ounce of my being I could have held on to her longer. However, I know something different. I know that God heard my prayers to not have to bury Faith at Christmas. I know that the Lord Himself timed her arrival so all of our family members could be there with us the day she was born and the week after. God knew she was coming that day when I took the walk. It was a beautiful day and truly just a short walk with my little boy. My walk had nothing to do with her coming that night. I could not have prevented her from coming on September 26 if I had tried. I was not in control...so much for beating myself up!

When I begin thinking that I didn't do enough or what I did do wasn't right, I am reminded of all that God has promised me. I petitioned Him with prayer throughout our time with Faith and I know many of you were on bended knee there with us. We were completely in our Father's hands and He brought Faith into this world and into Heaven at His time. There was truly nothing I could do to alter the outcome of her life.

Something came to me as I am writing to you all, so I hope it makes sense. God is SO good!  As a mommy, I do my best to set Jackson up for success. I pack him an extra shirt and short just in case he gets dirty. I send him with a jacket on a cold morning. I explain to him that we are going into a restaurant and we need to use inside voices. I also talked him through the burial of his little sister-the sights, noises, and feelings we all might have that day. I try to set him up for success by giving him information and time to practice. The Lord does the same with us. Each failure, each mistake, is a practice run in this life. It is a time to learn more about our relationship with Him and a chance to show us He is true to His promises. He, as our Father, sets us up to be successful for the big times in life when it really counts. He set me up with all my successes and all of my mistakes in life to be Faith's mommy-to carry her, to bury her, and to be her voice. Had I not had all of my mishaps, I wouldn't be the person I am or have the relationship with Jesus that I have. As a mommy, I know it sometimes takes a little extra time before we go somewhere to set Jackson up for success. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that He, Creator of Heaven and Earth, took time to set us up for success with Faith. He gave us what we needed to have one perfect day with her in our arms. He gave us the strength and willpower to plan her celebration and He carried us through her funeral. He has carried us through these past two weeks of trying to find a little bit of laughter and joy while mourning our greatest loss. I know that He will continue to be there for us when our feelings begin to overtake what we know. I just pray that we continue to seek Him, His truth, and His ways.

There is peace in letting go of the failures in life. I am choosing today to trust that the Lord is true to His promise of casting our sins as far as the east is from the west. I am certainly not big enough to carry them all! Truth is that He uses broken vessels-He chose to use me and chooses to use all of us if we let Him. My prayer for you today is that you rest in knowing that the Lord is using whatever you have been through to set you up for success. How great it is to know that our Father knows what we need to be successful in this life and is giving it to us now. I wonder what He has in store for all of us next?

LaTisha

A Tender Celebration

Faith's funeral was 8 days ago and, yet, I find myself clinging to the raw moments of that day. We were given one perfect day with our angel girl-full of laughter, tears, joy, and the deepest sorrow I have ever known. We were also given a perfect day for her celebration-a journey complete. The weather last Friday was warm, not humid at all. There was a gentle breeze which grew stronger when her 2:00 service drew near. The sky was clear blue, the birds sang, the cows mooed, and our family wept. There were moments of joy this day and moments I can't explain other than to tell you we were held in our Father's hand. Another day we didn't think we would be able to survive, but we did. It was a perfect celebration for our daughter-full of raw moments that I would love to share with you.

I stayed up until after 3:00 the night before her funeral taking care of the last minute details so everything could be perfect. My body ached from having her four days before, but I knew I had to press onward. I had this one celebration for her life-no first birthdays, no graduation parties, and no wedding...just this one day to share our baby girl with our family and friends. It seems so final to write that now. I transformed our dining room to be Faith's room. All of the items she touched were set on the table with poems and Bible verses that had carried us through our journey so far. The outfit she wore the day she was born, some pictures from our day with her, and her blanket. Oh, her blanket. I took it out of the box and wept over it-it still smelled like my girl. Four days before her funeral we welcomed her into our family and met her face to face for the first time. My body and my heart ached with what we were about to do.

I woke up about 7:00 Friday morning with a song in my heart. It was strange to me-a day so heavy and so dreaded, but I truly had hymns pouring out of me all that day. A true gift from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't help but sing hymns like "I Surrender All" and "It is Well."

All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I have learned how to surrender my everything to my Lord and Savior through this journey. What more could I give? I have handed my precious baby girl to Him and completely trust Him to love her in such a special way. As a mommy...it is difficult to do. I selfishly want to be her everything, but today and the day of her funeral I choose to trust that my God has a larger plan.

Shawn's family came to our house Thursday afternoon and my family drove in Friday morning to help with the final details. There was a buzz of activity in our home. Some blew up balloons, others placed pictures into a book, and more of our family worked on the slide show presentation. Song lists were finalized and we were finally all ready to go. Shawn, Jackson, and I rode together in our car. I think our family planned it that way. I felt like such a little girl in a very adult world-wishing it would all go away.  All the noise, all the sadness, and, especially, the emptiness.

We arrived at the cemetery with our extended family surrounding the tent. All I saw was the white hearse. If I could have run away, I would. The peace from that morning, and all the hymns, were overtaken with grief. Our family sang angel songs as we walked up to the graveside service. I tried to give as many hugs and greetings as I politely could, but this day was about my baby girl. I couldn't take care of anyone else today. I wanted to remember the sights, smells, touches, and sounds of this day. Once I saw a glimpse of her tiny, white casket, I ran to her. I wanted to hug her and hold her-protect her from the emptiness of the white box. I know that she wasn't there-she never was. I firmly believe that Jesus wrapped His arms around her the moment she was born and carried her to Heaven Himself. My earthly mommy reaction, though, is to protect her. Honestly, looking back, I was probably trying to protect myself. If my arms were around her, protecting her, then my arms would be full and wouldn't ache for her the way they do.

Father Gary and my Uncle Doug married Shawn and I four years ago and now Father Gary conducting our daughter's funeral. He spoke about how he remembered the couple four years ago who vowed for better or worse, in sickness and in health. How could we have known then this is where we would be? He also watched and spoke about how we clung to each other during her ceremony. I was honored when he said we had taken the narrow road...the road less traveled. We have seen glory that we would have missed if we had terminated our pregnancy early. I was honored, humbled, and oh so stricken with grief. Our baby girl laid in front of us in a tiny white casket waiting to be buried in the dirt. How did we get here? How could we do this?

The service was as beautiful as it could have been. We played "Amazing Grace," by Chris Tomlin, "Homesick," by MercyMe, and "I Will Carry You," by Selah (I will surely write more about the last song later-it broke me and carried me throughout our journey with Faith and continues to be mportant to me now). During the ceremony, my eyes drifted to the scenery. I saw trees at the cemetery with delicate pink flowers tipping to top branches. I will never forget the tiny, yellow butterfly that danced through the graves. Such a delicate little one that seemed joyful to be there. I imagined that was Faith-gracing us with her butterfly dance one more time. I felt the breeze and truly feel it was the Holy Spirit keeping us alive and breathing that day. God gave me the details of that day and helped my eyes to notice and remember them.

 

My favorite part of the service was at the end. We had 55 pearly pink balloons to release. I had written a note about Faith and we had stickers for our family to write personal notes about Faith attached to the balloons. Our family sang as the balloons lifted into the perfectly blue sky. There was one balloon that didn't fly away. It just hovered along the grass-not wanting to go too far from us. It reminded me of how close Faith was to us that day (and every day). She never did do things the 'right' way. Oh, what a teenager she might have been! I would gladly take any teenage battle over facing her death. This one balloon danced around the grass, and Jackson almost panicked. The balloons were supposed to go up to the sky-why was this one not following the rules. Thank goodness for Scott, one of Shawn's cousins, for taking Jackson to find the unruly balloon. It helped him rest knowing he could hold onto it for a while.

After the balloon release, we invited family to go to our house for a lasagna supper. I had told our family a few days before that I needed to stay with Faith until the last piece of dirt was laid upon her. I was scared to death of hearing the thumps of dirt on her casket, but I needed to help her finish the journey. Again, doing the only mommy thing I could do for her. I invited everyone to stay if they wanted or leave-I could do this alone if I needed to and I didn't want to burden anyone else with the memory. To my surprise, almost everyone stayed with us. Homer took her casket off of the pedastal and set it upon the ground. He removed the material covering her grave...and there it was. A tiny hole in the ground for our daughter. I knelt by the hole and felt. I felt the dirt and the grass and the emptiness. I knelt and I felt.

I had no idea who had stayed and who had left. After sobbing over her grave, I began to realize that time was slipping by and we needed to do this. Shawn, Jackson, and I kissed her casket one last time. Then Shawn and Homer lowered her into the ground. I can hardly type that sentence without falling apart. I remember so vividly the look on Shawn's face and the tears falling down his cheeks to the tip of his nose. I watched as Daddy's tears fell upon Faith's casket. How surreal this journey has been...

We had single stem white roses for those who chose to stay with us to lay upon her casket in the ground. I knelt by her grave and watched the people we love mourn our little girl. She was ours-all of ours and we all mourn the loss of her. Faith Marie was a sister, daughter, granddaughter, a niece, a great-niece, and a cousin. We were all heartbroken to let her go. Again I found it difficult to watch the people we love so dearly hurt so deeply. I wanted to fix it for them, for me. Yet I knelt by her grave and watched. Oh, Jesus, come now! Come and fill this void we have. Remind us of Your greatness and faithfulness. We need You now, Lord!

 

Then came the dirt...first by our hands and then by the shovel. Homer himself shoveled the dirt onto Faith's casket as tenderly as he possibly could. What a burden he had on his shoulders-to care for us and seal Faith's casket and grave. While he shoveled, Shawn, Jackson, and I helped with our own handfuls and tears. I remember the quiet thumps, but I also remember Homer gently laying the dirt upon her. Funny the things you remember-the kindness of others has been vibrant to us throughout this journey. After Homer finished burying Faith, I laid upon her grave. I smelled the dirt and rubbed the dirt. I wanted to touch every grain of the dirt that laid on Faith-to love it and hug it since I couldn't touch her. I could touch her dirt...

It was time to go. Time to take down the tent and the fuzzy chairs. Time to drive away from our daughter's final resting place. Time to end our time with her. It was so hard to drive away-everything felt so final. There were no more plans to make, no more miracles to pray for, no more flowers to choose. There was no more to do for her. The three of us got in the car to drive home. The three of us...oh how strange that feels still now. For a day, a moment, there was four...and now there are three. Shawn looked at me with his sad face and tried to lighten the air around us. He said, "Well, that was a first." As inappropriate as we have sometimes been in this journey, we laughed.  We laughed to release the sadness and we laughed to make it lighter for our son. He has been such a big, big boy and I can't wait to delight in him with you soon. Jackson needed to hear laughter, so we laughed as we cried all the way home.




Faith's casket spray was important to us. We didn't want it to be full of only carnations and greenery. We wanted her to have a bridal bouquet filled with gardenias and roses. She may never have her wedding day, but she had her bridal bouquet. 

  After Faith's funeral service, we invited friends and family to our home. We thought a few people might show up-this was a different, and difficult situation for many people. We were overwhelmed and incredibly humbled by the friends who came that night. Some drove for hours to get to our house just to see our baby girl and put their arms around our necks. I was delighted to show our girl to everyone who visited us. It was a whirlwind of people and I wanted to sit and visit with everyone. The hard part of being me sometimes is that I want to give 100% to everyone and I didn't feel I was able to give that night. I caught glimpses of people visiting and watching the slide show we put together. I saw people reading the poems and looking at her pictures. I watched as people learned about our girl, our Faith. I am honored to have so many people care about us and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting us share her with you. She is a big deal to us and to for anyone to know the 'us' of today, you've got to know our little girl. She changed us, all of us, and made us better. As difficult as the days and nights are without her, she made us better.

I pray tonight for each of you. We all have our own storms and difficult times to endure. I pray that you are able to see how it has made you better. We have learned to love more and better. We have learned to trust and to rest in the Lord, believing that He is faithful to His promises. I pray that the silver linings of any difficult situation you may have are revealed to you tonight.

Thank you for continuing on our journey, my sweet friends. Thank you for reading and posting and emailing. I can't wait to tell you more!

With much love,
LaTisha

The Dirt

Good evening to you, my friends.  I have thought about you often the past few days-at gymnastics, at the doctor's office, and in the dark of the night. Thinking and praying for all of you has brought me so much comfort. It truly is my joy to pray for all of you, and you remind me how blessed I am. When moments and days are hard, you have all lifted me. I receive emails and comments on the blog at just the right time. When I can't seem to catch my breath or see the beauty of the moment, I receive an email or a note. Oh how great our God is! Thank you, thank you dear friends!

I went to the doctor for my almost 2 week check-up yesterday. Usually I prepare myself for doctor days to be hard. I missed this one. I somehow thought this one would be easier. Oh how wrong I was!  This was the first time I visited my OB since Faith was born. The first time I was at the office without her kicking and squirming inside of me. The first time I had seen the nurses that walked this journey with us and the first time to show our pictures since the night of Faith's celebration. We talked about Faith's delivery and ways to prepare for the future. I left the office in tears-reminded of how I just don't fit anymore. I don't fit in the OB office with the pregnant mommies and little babies (all girls, mind you!). I don't fit in with the mommies at gymnastics, at the grocery store, at the craft store, or at birthday parties. How do you fit when you just buried your daughter? How do you answer strangers when they ask you how many kids you have? How do you pretend to be ok when every cell in your body is aching to hold your baby girl? It just doesn't work and I wonder if it ever will. Days like this remind me that I am human and real while the notes from you remind me that God provides perfectly. So, again, I thank you for filling my day with reminders of what Faith gave us. The Lord blessed us far more than the grief we feel.

Today I went to the cemetery. Mom had offered all week to go with me and I kept saying, "Not yet, the dirt is too fresh." You see, dirt has been important to me my whole life. My grandfather, Perr, was a cotton farmer. We spent summers and Christmases on the farm and I loved every minute. In the summers my cousins and I sprayed the weeds on the farm. Well, my cousins mostly. I am the youngest of all my cousins by at least 7 years, so I didn't spend the long hours on the rig like they did. They had the hard days in the hot sun while I was able to go in the air conditioning to bake pinch cake. They all give me a hard time about it now. Even though I didn't spend the hours my cousins did on the tractor, I remember the smell of dirt and the grit in my teeth on a hot day. I also remember the fun we had playing in the mud. Perr would find a great muddy patch and all of us cousins would roll around in it and have mud fights. We would then pile in the back of his pick up to ride back to the house. When we got there, my grandmother would hose everyone off outside with the coldest water you can imagine. She would hose off everyone outside, except for me. Because I was the youngest, I had the privilege of taking a bath inside the warm house with the warm water. How my cousins speak to me now, I have no idea. They truly did have it rough while I found play time in the dirt. I had so much fun in the dirt as a child, and now it holds such a dear place in my heart as an adult.

I remember the short season after my grandfather harvested the cotton before he planted again. I remember looking out the front porch to see the never ending flatness of the brown dirt. Later I realized this was his peaceful time of year. It wasn't yet time to plan for the next season. He could no longer do anything to affect the outcome of the harvested crop-no more plowing, no more praying for a larger crop. The dirt finished, the crop harvested. He rested peacefully between harvest and planting seasons. How vividly I remember the smell of the freshly harvested and plowed dirt!

Today I went and saw the dirt. My mother-in-law and father-in-law came up today to visit. I had no intention of going to the cemetery when I woke up this morning, but somehow this afternoon I couldn't get there fast enough. People have told me that I would know when I was ready-I didn't realize it would be like a force pushing me out the door. Shawn was studying and Nonna and PawPaw were playing outside with Jackson. It was time to face reality and face it alone. I listened to the music we played for her service as I drove to the cemetery. Somehow I saw the road through the tears and remembered how to get there.

When I drove up, I gasped. There was no tent, no chairs, no family, no casket. There were only headstones. I panicked looking for her...I couldn't see the cross we left for her or the pile of dirt. I drove a little further in the driveway and finally found the tiny mound. It looked so small. I got out of the truck and walked to her spot. The flowers were dead. We buried her a week ago yesterday and the flowers have died. When we left her, she had a gorgeous bouquet of flowers on her dirt. Now they were all dead. Why did that surprise me? It broke my heart-I wasn't taking care of her.

Before I moved her dead flowers, I wanted to fill my jar. I wanted a jar full of her dirt-the dirt that is so important to me. Faith's grandmothers filled a small jar of dirt during her service last week, but I needed more. I needed more of her dirt. Silly, I know. I opened the jar and began talking to Faith. I reminded her of how excited we were when we found out we were pregnant. I reminded her of how much I loved her-even when I couldn't eat after 2:00 in the afternoon and I spent hours on the bathroom floor. I told her about camping and swimming and how she loved cheesecake, not chocolate! I told her about how sad we were the day we found out she would not be ours to bring home. I reminded her of how we all prayed the day she was born and how I told her it was ok to go to Jesus. I wept as I shared all I could with her. With each moment of her story, I put another handful of dirt in my jar. I now have a jar full of my girl's dirt and her story. The jar is beautifully layered with each chapter of her life.

After filling my jar, I removed the dead flowers from her grave. The dirt was wet...it was fresh. Oh how fresh my hurt was today! I desperately wanted to climb in the ground with her-to hold her one more time. I ran my fingers over the fresh dirt-the dirt that had not seen the sun since we buried Faith. I then read scriptures over her. Of course, Psalm 139:13-18 first. I then read some other Psalms and scripture to her. I then looked at Exodus 3:5-holy ground. The hymn "We Are Standing On Holy Ground" came to mind. I sang over my daughter today. I read scripture and I sang over her.

I was reminded how scripture says the Lord sings over us and thinks about us. Psalm 139 says His thoughts about us outnumber the grains of sand. More than the grains of dirt in Faith's grave and more than the sand on the beach in Galveston. His word says He thinks of us more than ALL the grains of sand. My Jesus, our Lord, thinks about you and me more than we can count! He was with me today at the cemetery when I thought I couldn't breath. He wrapped His arms around me and gave me strength to sing (well, squawk) over our daughter. He was in the wind and the flowers. He gave me a yellow butterfly-similar to the one I saw at Faith's funeral. He was there with the cows, horses, and grasshoppers.  HE was THERE! I wasn't alone. I thought I drove to Faith's cemetery alone, but I wasn't. My Lord, whose thoughts about me outnumber the grains of sand, was with me and has been with me each step of this journey. I will continue to breath and one day I will fit again...I just have to keep my focus on Him and the promise that I will hold our baby girl again. Until that day, I must rest knowing He is holding and rocking our Faith and that His thoughts about her outnumber the grains of sand. He has known her all along and I take refuge in that knowledge. He chose us knowing that we could do this-we could live this out for His greater purpose.

My prayer for all of you tonight is that you can take refuge knowing that God is here. We may not know how or why or what, but we know that He is here. I pray you know His love for you-that you can close your eyes and imagine the grains of sand at your favorite beach. He loves you and thinks about you more than you can imagine! I am taking refuge under His wings tonight and I pray you will also. He loves us that much!

In His love,
LaTisha

Four Years and Golden Nuggets

I had every intention of writing to you all tonight, wanting to share with you the details of Faith's celebration. I have come to enjoy writing to all of you, my friends, who have chosen to opt-in for our journey. Whether we know you face to face or if we have yet to meet, you are all so often in my thoughts and prayers. I think about all of you during the day and when I wake at night, praying you are having a peaceful day. I am still overwhelmed with how many of you have chosen to invest in our journey with Faith. Thank you seems so small for what you all mean to me and how much you all consume my prayers!

As I sit down to write to you all, my thoughts have drifted back in time. I want to share all the details of Faith's service and celebration, but I am consumed with thoughts about the past four years. Tomorrow is our anniversary...our fourth anniversary. We have packed so much life into the past four years. Shawn and I moved into our first home after our honeymoon and found out 2 months later that we were expecting Jackson. Jackson arrived prematurely and I finished my master's degree while visiting him in the hospital. Life seemed to settle into a routine until we sold our house a year ago and moved into our new home. God placed us here, no doubt. We are surrounded by glorious neighbors whom we have grown to love this past year. It has been a busy time since we have been together, but busy never prepared us for this...

Four years ago I gave my heart and my life away to the man I love. Funny how the love of that day pales in comparison to the love we share today. You see, Shawn and I received golden nuggets, little trinkets, of goodness during our journey with Faith. We have always had a solid marriage and have wrapped ourselves around Jackson and our families. But something now is different, something has changed. As our journey with Faith began, I told dear friends that we had added a layer to our marriage. I didn't know we needed another layer, but we had one. In the past few weeks, we have added another dimension! I have watched the man I gave my heart to four years ago learn to love me a little more tenderly, love our son more deeply, and love our daughter unconditionally.

Words cannot express how much respect I have for the man I married. The day our daughter was born, he never left her side. He baptised her, read scripture over her, and prayed for her. At the end of our time with her, he chose to walk with her to the morgue. He chose to stay with our baby girl while our nurse, Jamie, undressed her and placed her in the cold room. He then put a smile on his face and a kick in his step to make Jackson laugh. This picture was taken right after he said 'goodbye' to his little girl. What broad shoulders he has to bear such grief for our daughter and bring such joy to our son.

The day of Faith's funeral was tough. This strong man of mine became even stronger that day. He held me during the graveside service. He held my hand, patted my arm, and held me up. He let me crumble by her grave and softly guided me when it was time to leave. Shawn buried his daughter that day. He literally placed her casket in the ground. While I fell to pieces, he took care of us.

Shawn has taken care of us from beginning of this journey. He told me to 'keep my eye on the prize' early in the pregnancy while I was so sick and couldn't get my head off of the bathroom floor. He held my hand the day of the ultrasound as we learned our daughter was not made for this world. Shawn, with tears streaming down his cheeks, held Jackson the day we told him that his little sister was going to live with Jesus instead of coming home with us. He held me in the quiet of the night, when fear would get the best of me, and reminded me that God would take care of it all. He let me rub his fingers raw during the labor for our daughter. He remembered to bring Jackson's 'Big Brother' shirt to the hospital that day. He walked Faith into the cold room. He put our baby girl's casket in the fresh dirt. Oh how blessed I am to be his wife! The Lord has blessed me beyond measure. Yes, I sit and cry as I write this-my arms aching for my daughter to hold. But I tell you I am a blessed woman. I have golden nuggets, Heavenly gifts, from our journey of loss. I have seen a side of my husband, my man, that I would have never known had it not been for our baby girl.

Four years ago I did not know Shawn as the man I know him to be today. I knew he was a good man and I loved him dearly, but not quite like this. I am wondering tonight what I would have done if the Lord had let me see all that was to happen in our lives during the past four years. Would I have opted-in for the ride? I would have missed out on so many blessings and so much love if I had looked ahead and said "Lord, this road will be too hard." Sometimes the hard roads bring out golden nuggets. I hurt and I grieve for our Faith-I want her here so badly. More so, I am thankful my eyes are open to the beauty of our Lord. There is beauty in the dirt...sometimes we just have to get our hands dirty to see it.

I pray tonight for each of you that you are able to see the beauty of the dirt...see how the Lord has intricately woven His plan for good in your life. Often we are in the middle of the journey and can't see the beauty for all the darkness. Raise your eyes up to the Heavens and ask Him to open your eyes to see the beauty of the dirt.

As for my precious husband, my man....I love you and happy anniversary.
Tis

A Busy Week

Our Family Picture

I love this picture because there was joy the day Faith was born, even with us being awake for over 30 hours!

Shawn baptising Faith.

Shawn reading Psalm 139:13-18 over our daughter as she left to be with Jesus. We know she was perfectly made in His image and every day ordained for her before time began. We take refuge in know the Lord had all of this planned for His glory.



And her perfect foot!



Faith's perfect hand...



So much love for her...

I have been wanting to write to you all for a few days now-desperate to share all that has been happening this past week.  I want you to see all the ways the Lord has weaved beauty in our despair, love in our grief.  Writing to you has become therapeutic to me...a way to keep our memories of Faith alive and our focus on Jesus ever present in the quiet. I'd like to take you back to this past week and walk with you through the busiest time of our journey.

Most people come home after giving birth to a baby and spend at least the first few days or weeks resting.  I dreamed of coming home and sitting with our little girl in the rocking chair, looking at the miracle of her.  Instead, we all left the hospital less than 12 hours after giving birth. Needless to say, our doctor was quite liberal with our hospital stay due to our circumstances.  He knew that we would be more comfortable at home and Jackson especially needed a little home time to digest all that had happened last Sunday.

Shawn and I drove straight from the hospital to the cemetery. It was such an unnatural thing to do, but the only way we could parent our little girl. We needed to finally settle on the resting place for Faith. Just the Monday before Faith was born, Shawn drove by a funeral home and felt a peace there which he didn't feel with our other choice. We had planned to visit the cemetery in the following weeks. Obviously it was not meant to be. So, we drove from the hospital to the cemetery. Needless to say, I lost it. How do you say 'goodbye' when you just said 'hello?' How do you plan for your daughter to be buried in any place, especially when she just entered the world?  At first, I couldn't see the natural beauty of the cemetery. Our other choice was full of bricks, beautiful shrubs, reflection ponds, and fountains. This cemetery was next to the cows! I sat in the truck and cried as I watched Shawn search the cemetery for 'Babyland.' I watched him desperately try to take care of his girl in a way only a Daddy can. I finally pulled myself out of the truck (ok...pretty much fell out), and stumbled right into the 'Babyland' section.

A cool wind was blowing, something it rarely does in Houston, but something that has been happening since the day our angel girl was born. I looked past the cows and saw a field of yellow flowers. I then looked to the right and saw some rolling hills. The sunset was amazing the night my daughter was born. The Lord was truly showing off all of His artistry. I slowly began to realize that this was God's quiet place for us to go and visit her. Shawn loved this cemetery because it is on his way to work each day. He could visit her there and take care of her grave with her closer to us. Again, trying to be a Daddy in the only way he could. We decided to go home and sleep on the decision-hoping the morning sun would bring clear thoughts and resolution for our daughter's final resting place.

We woke Monday morning with as much confusion and heartache. Knowing we needed to touch each place, we left first thing and visited each cemetery with fresh eyes. What an empty feeling. My heart is and was so full of love for Faith, but my arms were so empty. Another day I didn't think I would survive. Once we had visitied both cemeteries, the decision was clear. Faith was going to be buried with the cows. We met with a glorious funeral director, Homer, and began to plan our daughter's funeral.

Tuesday was spent coordinating doctors and hospitals.  There were many tests the doctors wanted to do on Faith so that we can hopefully determine what caused all of her abnormalities. In the midst of time spent on the phone with doctors and hospitals, my focus began to change. I began to think of Faith's funeral as Faith's celebration. I realized I had one day to plan a celebration for all she has been and what she will always be to us. She is our beautiful girl who touched many hearts and lives with her story. She deserved a day full of memories and love, not all sadness and gloom. I will never have the chance to plan her first birthday party, or her graduation party, or her wedding.  I had one day-one chance to show all of our family and friends our baby girl. My sister and her youngest son came to visit and we talked about the details of Faith's day...it all began to take shape.

Wednesday was a day full of shopping. Physically, my body was not holding up without having the rest and time to recover. I knew I had a limited time to plan her day, and sheer willpower would get us through. The first stop was Starbucks, of course! We then did something I never thought I would need to do. We walked into the dress shop and began shopping for a dress for Faith's service. I prayed before we shopped that we would find a dress that would fit at the first store-I simply did not have energy to shop much, especially for such an occasion. I fell apart as my mom and I tried on dress after dress.

My body was simply not ready after having a baby 3 days prior. My body felt strange to me, not quite pregant and certainly not normal. How appropriate...I don't seem to fit in this world either. How do I fit in with normal when there is nothing normal about me? Still here and breathing, but oh so different. There is a part of me missing. An aching hole where there is supposed to be a precious little baby girl. I wonder if the hole will ever get smaller or hurt less. I know it will never go away and I don't want it to. I just wanted to hold her again and shop for dresses that weren't dark or fancy or made for a funeral. By glory and grace alone, we found the dress in the first shop. Another piece coming together for Faith's day.

My mother in law joined us for lunch and the three of us went to the craft store to buy decorations we needed for Faith's celebration. All the little details needed to be perfect. Remember how I obsess over the rainbow order for the sippy cups tucked away in the cabinets?  This was detailed to perfection times ten! Oh Lord, please let this one party, this one day, be full of precious memories. I began to realize through the day that this was my last time to truly be her Mommy here on Earth. Yes, I can go and clean her grave site, bring her flowers, and remember her when the wind blows. But, I will never have the chance to share what she has touched, the songs and verses that have brought us through, or tell her story the way we were able to on Friday. Again trying to be her Mommy...

Thursday was a day full of activity. My sisters-in-law came back to town and our house was humming with activity. We turned pictures into a black and white presentation on the TV, put final details on Faith's Christmas ornament, transformed our dining room into Faith's room of memories, and prepared food for our guests on Friday. Day turned into night and oh so many tears were shed. My favorite part of Faith's room was her blanket. It still smelled like Faith! I wanted to wrap myself up in it and keep it to myself-hoping to keep her here a little longer. Simply a reminder that she was real, she was here and she was loved so deeply. I finally set the blanket on the table-ready to share my girl with all who would enter our home Friday evening. I didn't have a baby girl to show off, but I could certainly let them know her heart and the smell of her blanket. All of the little details were finished about 3 o'clock in the morning. It was finished, nothing more to do until the morning of the day we would bury our daughter. Yet another day I had begun to wish would never have to exist...

The Lord worked in mysterious ways last week. He made our hours longer and our work fast. He brought joy to the planning. How much easier it was to plan a celebration than a funeral! I look back on last week and I am surprised we made it through. Only by the power and grace of Jesus carrying us the entire way. Daily bread, LaTisha, daily bread. I am so depended on the Lord's promises-I keep repeating them over and over when I become overwhelmed with grief. He promises I will get to hold my baby girl again, He promises to be all I need, He promises to be my ever-present help in a time of worry and grief, He promises to catch my every tear, and He promises to love me each step of the way. Big promises that I have come to depend upon-He is truly the only way we are making it through each day. If you had told me 6 months ago that I would be burying my daughter, I would have told you to lock me in a padded room and never let me out. Today I can tell you God is good all the time, especially in times like this. I have learned to lean into Him and not pull away, without having to understand what His plan is. He promises His plan is good in Jeremiah 29 and I am leaning into Him.

My prayer for all of you today is that you are able to lean into our Lord during times of joy and sadness. I am anxious to share with you Faith's celebration, but for tonight, I pray you are able to fully trust in Him to work all things for good. He promised!

With trust in Him,
LaTisha