To-Do List

So those of you who know me, know that I am a bit of an organizer and planner. Fellow list makers out there, you know what I mean! There is a sense of victory when you cross off an item and a huge relief when you can throw the list with beautifully crossed off items in the trash. For those of you who know me very well, know that I can sometimes take organization to an extreme. Is there really anything wrong with sippy cups being in rainbow order while stored in the cabinet waiting to be used? Well, in this journey, I have found there is little I can do to alter the outcome. I am reminded daily that the things I hold dearest in my life do not belong to me. God is in complete control and as the time begins to draw close for Faith's arrival, I am comforted that no incomplete to-do list or cups out of order will change the outcome. His name will be glorified!!

To bring some peace to my mind, I have felt the need to plan for the possibility that we may not have our Faith with us long. So, I wanted to bring you up to date with the to-dos we have been trying to mark off our list...

I have always loved bows on little girls. In fact, Shawn and I joked that if we had a baby girl we would only need bows and diapers. What else would a princess need? Whether we are blessed with Faith for a few precious moments or many years, our girl needed a bow. My mom and I went to a cute store for baby girls and found the most beautiful feather bows and dresses. I wanted to run out the doors as soon as I walked in. The dresses and bows were so precious, I was overwhelmed with the thought of only needing to buy one. How do you choose an outfit for your baby girl to meet Jesus? I am sure she will have a more heavenly appearance but, as her mommy, I wanted her to have something beautiful. We searched frantically, wanting to find the one perfect dress. We actually found two. One dress for us to hold her in while she is with us and one in which she could be put to rest, just in case. We found a blanket for her to match her fancy dress and a silky blanket so she would know something soft. When we had gathered her two outfits, I realized that the two put together included feathers, rhinestones, bows, silk, and soft cotton. We were able to get her everything a little girl might need in two dresses. Oh how I wish we could buy more....

A few days later Shawn and I needed to plan for her final resting place. I was so emotional for days leading up to meeting with the funeral home director and dreaded the meeting. I think I was able to find relief that day simply because the dreading was over. We met with two gracious men who wanted to accommodate our needs in any way. We saw a picture of a tiny casket they would provide for her and I was so thankful we wouldn't have to 'shop' for one. However, we would have to decide where to bury her. We went to the cemetery, and the place seemed very corporate. It was definitely a business and the two salespeople were there to sell us plots. We were so torn between placing her in 'Babyland' or buying plots for all of us. We walked through the cemetery with the salespeople and finally asked to walk through 'Babyland.' Babyland....this is where I fell apart. There is something so very wrong and unnatural about shopping for a plot to place your baby girl who is busy kicking and squirming in you. As we walked back to the office, I felt the need to let the salespeople know we may not be needing a plot for her and the plot we need didn't have to be the most expensive. I know deep inside that Faith will not rest in a pretty casket by the water or by the tree or by the freeway. She will be whole and completely healed praising the Lord with her every breath for eternity. We didn't need to buy the most expensive plots, we just needed a place for us to go and remember. Shawn and I left the funeral home and cemetery completely exhausted and feeling like we were touching the edge of our grief. Shawn describes it as standing on a cliff, looking at a deep valley that you know you will have to walk through. Some very smart doctors are telling us we will walk through this dark place. I am clinging to God's promises that He will be with us-carrying us the entire time.

Tonight I am still praying for our miracle. I am believing that my Jesus can do what He says He can. I have found a place in my walk with the Lord that I know I trust Him wholly and completely. I am placing my baby girl, my child whom I wanted so badly treasure so deeply, in His hands-trusting Him with whatever He has in store for us. I know and rest in the fact that His plan is perfect and that I will never understand it while on this earth. I am also resting in the fact that I will understand it all when I see His glory in Heaven. God gives and He takes away....and I trust Him to do this. I simply trust Him.

Praying for all of you who read this...thank you again for blessing us with your prayers!
LaTisha