My heart is full and I want to share with you the beautiful details of Faith's time with us. I know I just posted about her birth, but there is so much more to tell about our baby girl. We fit a lifetime with her into a few short hours!
Our family stayed with us and never left the hospital until Shawn and I did. We were each able to love on her in special ways and I fully believe that she knows each of us! After Faith was born, everyone was invited back into the room. We all gathered in a circle of prayer and Shawn baptised our daughter using a seashell full of water and tears. The room was filled with bright lights, the Holy Spirit, family, joy, love and tears as we gathered to bless our angel. We then shared Faith through our circle as everyone greeted her for the first time. What a joy, as her mommy, to see her so loved in such a special way.
To be honest, we were a little nervous about how she would look. God made her beautifully-just like Psalm 139 promised. He allowed us to see her beauty through His eyes and we had some surprises. Faith had hair! When we found out about all of her abnormalities, I began praying for specific little details-hair was one of them. Oh how God hears us even when we pray for little things! Faith did not have eyes and only one ear for this world. Jackson later asked where Baby Faith's eyes were. The only way I could explain it to him is that Faith got eyes from Jesus in Heaven for her birthday. Jesus' birthday present to our baby girl-a perfect body with eyes just for Him! She had beautiful, perfect hands with delicate little fingernails. I never want to forget those hands and how tiny they were, but how intricately perfect they were. Her left foot was turned in, but her right one was perfect. She had 10 gorgeous little toes! Oh how I wanted to paint her little nails and have her wrap her fingers around mine.
The rest of the day was spent loving Faith-remembering what we know about her and learning all of the delicate parts. Our day nurse, Jamie, was so kind and gave us all the time we needed with Faith. She was born and died at 6:30 in the morning, but we held her in our arms until 4:00 that afternoon. The only time she left our arms was to get some genetic testing done and to do her footprints. I had decided that the garden stone was too much of a project for us to undertake on Faith's day, but I still wanted her to have her 'crafty' birthday party. Every Christmas Jackson makes an ornament with his hand print or footprint. One year his footprint was a glittery angel and on another ornament his hand print was Santa Claus. A few weeks ago I realized that Faith would probably not be with us for Christmas, but I so desperately wanted her to have an ornament. Jamie was so kind to help us get all the ornaments made-one for each member of our family. Faith had her craft day, she made footprint ornaments, wore feathers on her hair, and put her hand prints on each one of our hearts.
Jackson was such a trooper-he stayed with us in the hospital the whole time. He slept about two and a half hours Saturday night and only took an hour nap on Sunday. He was in a great mood all day, wanting to play and spend time with family. I am still amazed at how well he did and what joy he brought to Faith's birthday. We gave Jackson his presents from Faith around noon thinking that it might entertain him. I had no idea the joy and memories it would make for me and our family. All of our family got on the floor of our hospital room and played in the 'centers' we had for Jackson. Some of our sisters played with Lego's while others played 'Don't Break the Ice.' The boys watched football and Jackson joyfully ran from one activity to another. It was one moment during the day that filled the entire room with joy and laughter. It was at that time that I sang happy birthday to my little girl. She did have a joyful birthday party in spite of the fact all of our hearts were breaking. She had centers, paint, football, games, toys, feathers, rhinestones, and soft blankets. Oh, Father, thank you for injecting joy into that day. A day that could have been dark and dreary transformed into unspeakable joy.
I think I held it together until about 3:00 that afternoon. Most of our family left to pick up lunch or to gather a few things for us, and Faith was being held by her PawPaw and Daddy. Jackson finally took a nap and I closed my eyes for almost an hour. I had such peace knowing she was in the room with us and my body truly had to have a bit of rest. I woke up and realized it was 3:00. My time was coming to a close and I became overwhelmed with grief. Faith's body was ready to rest-she was changing and I couldn't bear to watch it anymore. Giving my little girl up for the last time on this earth was honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Our family gathered in a circle and I held Faith. My mom said a beautiful prayer over us and we played Faith's song "I Will Carry You" by Selah. I hope to upload it for you soon. It is a beautiful song written during a time that another mommy gave her baby girl to the Lord. It is so tender and spot on to every emotion I feel as Faith's mommy. I carried Faith all of her life and I will continue to carry her for all of mine-long after the empty cradle.
We then played hymns and other songs while each one of our family members told Faith goodbye. It is so difficult to watch the hearts of people you love break before your eyes. We each love Faith Marie so so much. While we know we will see her in Heaven, our arms and our hearts long for her here. Everyone left the room so Shawn, Jackson, and I could have some time alone with Faith. Shawn and I explained to Jackson that the nurse was going to come and take Faith away so she could go be with Jesus. Jackson has been carrying his 'Faith Bear' since he learned about Faith-knowing he would give it to his sister. He willingly gave his bear whom he has grown so attached to his baby sister so she could take it to Jesus with her, not knowing what he was about to get in return. Shawn took out an identical 'Faith Bear' so Jackson and his sister can always share. One Faith Bear for Jackson to keep in remembrance of his baby sister and the one he gave to her for her to share with Jesus. Jackson then went to spend time with our family so Shawn and I could have some alone time with Faith.
The quiet is still difficult for us. We talked about what she might have been-a dancer, a cheerleader, a bride....we held her and we cried as we spoke about the dreams we had for her. We talked about the memories of our day with her and our journey so far. We see what the valley feels like and there is no grief like giving your child to the Lord. We promised to love each other through this and to keep her memory alive. We spoke about all we have learned through our time with Faith...how she let us see each other differently, helped us learn how to love better, and brought us united to our knees with our precious Lord. Faith has given so much to us and has taught us how to live life better.
We invited our family back in the room and then asked our nurse, Jamie, to take Faith. We said one last prayer, sang one last hymn, and gave our last hugs. As she left the room, I begged Jesus to come and fill this empty, gaping hole in our hearts and in our arms. Come now, Lord, we need You! I have never felt such a loss, but I have also never known the grace of my Jesus like I do now. I know He is the only reason we are still alive, breathing, and loving.
Thank you, again, for letting me share our Faith with all of you. Our journey is far from over and there is so much more to share. We will spend the day today planning Faith's service. Lord, please give us the strength to plan the day to honor Faith and to honor You. I am looking upward this morning with a thankful heart. I believe that I will rock her to sleep in Heaven, sing her lullabies, and feel her perfect fingers wrap around mine. The beauty of faith is that I know I will see and hold my little girl again one day. The beauty of Faith Marie was her heart and all she taught us about love, life, and the grace of Jesus.
Thank you, again, for letting me share our baby girl with you. I invite you to stay on this journey with us-so many more moments Faith gave us as a family. I am honored to be her voice and I pray, again, tonight that my words are not a jumbled mess. I pray they make sense as I type them. You have all strengthened us through your prayers and messages you send. Oh how we need strength now as our arms are empty. Tonight is the first night I have written to you without Faith moving and living inside of me. Thank you so so much. You are all in our prayers of gratitude. I pray the Lord loves on you and any hurts you may have today.
Wishing you many blessings and much love,
LaTisha
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Faith's Arrival
For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, Oh God!
How vast the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with You.
Psalm 139:13-18
My dearest friends and prayer warriors, thank you again for loving us and praying for us during our journey. I wanted you to know that our precious and beautiful Faith Marie was born on Sunday, September 26 at 6:30 in the morning. I desperately wanted to write to you all yesterday, but we had some details to plan for our daughter and, honestly, my body was too weak. So, here I sit at 3:30 in the morning (God's favorite time for us to be quiet together) to share with you the beauty of Faith! I couldn't sleep without letting you know about our little girl, so I apologize if this is a long post.
Shawn had the opportunity Saturday to play golf, so my mom came up for the day. We spent the day playing with Jackson and making a practice garden stone. I wanted Faith to have a fun-filled, crafty birthday party. During this journey, her footprints became very precious to me. Knowing that they would be unique to her-no one else would ever have the same foot or hand print-was a way for me to remember how delicately she was created. After practicing the garden stone, Mom and I quickly realized how limited our craftiness might be. Flower arrangements and home decor are one thing, I think we found our limit with the garden stone (not our best piece of work)! However, we took the time to gather Faith's craft projects, make Jackson's backpack of goodies for the hospital, and pack a couple of items. We knew the time was getting close and I was, of course, trying to plan for what I could. Thank you, Father, for giving us time and prompting us to pack these things Saturday. Oh how it helped Shawn and I get out the door faster Saturday night!
My water broke, at about 10:15, about an hour after I went to sleep, Saturday night. After gathering our things rather quickly and working through some confusion with doctors and hospitals, we headed to the hospital. There are many God moments along our amazing time and I hope to share all of them with you so you know how intricately the Lord worked out every detail. My doctor and I spoke on Thursday last week and she was working diligently with our insurance for us to deliver at St. Luke's hospital so that Faith could be walked over to Texas Children's hospital here in Houston. My insurance had not yet approved the out of network hospital and had definitely not approved our perinatologist to deliver us. Needless to say, there was much confusion over which hospital to go to and who should deliver us. We had 3 choices of hospitals and 3 choices of doctors. To make a long story short, none of my doctors were on call Saturday night. We ended up at what I thought was my last choice in hospitals with a doctor we did not know simply because of distance and the urgency to have me seen by a doctor. I tell you this because the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, put us at the very BEST hospital with the BEST doctor and the very BEST nurses!! I am so glad I was not in control!!
Shawn, Jackson, and I made it to the hospital about 11:00 Saturday night due to some excellent driving by my sweet husband. We checked into triage with the intent of transfering us to the medical center if Faith was still alive. She, of course, was-with a strong heartbeat. I, however, was too unstable for the transfer. Thank you, God, for keeping us at Methodist Willowbrook! I cannot express how beautiful our time was there and how absolutely wonderful and loving the people are! Our families came in droves during the night from Austin, New Braunfels, Pearland, Friendswood, El Campo and Rosenburg. Our loving nurse, Robin, that stayed with us all night and for delivery let all 14 of us into the triage area and then set up places for all of us to rest some during the night. We met with our new doctor to discuss the course of action for the evening. I wanted all of this planned and worked out before this night, but I am so thankful we relinquished every bit of our journey to the Lord. He worked out ways for us to enjoy moments I didn't even realize were important. We decided Saturday night that a natural birth would be more beneficial for me, and wouldn't be too traumatic for Faith since she was so small. We had an ultrasound done while we were there and learned that Faith had turned and was now perfectly breech. This would actually make it easier for her since her head would come out last. Things began to move quickly about 5 am. My contractions became so uncomfortable, that I was unable to enjoy my last moments of being pregnant with her. I got my epidural about 5:45 am Sunday morning. Faith Marie decided to come moments later! I am so thankful I didn't get the epidural earlier and even more thankful it didn't take full effect. I was able to feel everything-what a HUGE gift!! Faith came before the doctor could make it back to the hospital-she wanted to meet her sweet nurse, Robin. Robin only had time to put on gloves before helping Faith into this world. She so gently waited for Faith's time, holding each part of her. My mom and Shawn were in the room and I can honestly say that Faith came through a time of prayer. We all prayed for her while she made her way into our arms. She came to us in God's time, and she left us just as quickly. Faith quickly decided Heaven was a better place to be. Shawn said she didn't take a single breath on this earth. She was created for a higher place with the angels. I know tonight, she is singing and praising Jesus. She has met amazing people from the Bible and has seen the glory and beauty of Heaven.
My dear friends, thank you so much for praying for us and walking this journey by our sides. I cannot express how thankful Shawn and I are for all of you-whether we know your face-to face, we know your hearts. I know we will meet and know each other fully in Heaven. You will also see our daughter, Faith Marie, when you get there. She will thank you for praying for her and for keeping her mommy and daddy lifted during our time of sadness over her loss.
I will post very soon to tell you all about our little girl....God bless you and your family. My prayers are for children around the world to be loved a little more and hugged a little tighter tonight. They are so special and each one a miracle!
LaTisha
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Drawing Near...
I cannot thank all of you again for the prayers and messages. God seems to deliver them at just the right time when I need to be uplifted! Please know that you are all in my prayers daily as well. Faith has been sent to the Czech Republic, Belgium, Poland, Turkey, and across the US-in just a week!!!!
I had a beautiful image come to mind in the middle of the night this week. I needed some quiet time with the Lord about 3 am one night, so I pulled myself (quite unwillingly) out of my dark, warm, quiet bed and made my way to my rocking chair. I turned on a light and snuggled in with my Bible and a blanket. The house was dark and quiet-Shawn, Jackson, and our dog, Maddie, were sound asleep. I desperately needed to hear God's word. I have been having terrible visions of tiny caskets, fresh dirt, and empty arms on my mind lately. I am now in my third trimester and I know the time to meet Faith is drawing near. I am clinging to every moment I have with Faith-wanting to remember every kick and squirm just in case it is the last. I do promise to get to the beautiful part! God works in wonderful ways. As I sat in the rocking chair listening to the still, quiet house, I began reading my Bible. All of the verses I was drawn to focused upon being 'chosen' and not alone in this journey. The Lord ordained this journey for our family before He ever created the Earth, moon, and sun. He walks with me and catches every tear I cry. I know that He hurts to see all of us hurt so, but I also know He has a greater plan. There was joy as I sat alone with the Lord knowing that He loves me enough to carry Faith and be her mommy. He knows how every bit of this journey will end, why it is happening, and how it will bring glory to His name. My job is to have faith and rest in Him. Other verses I found that night reminded me that I am not alone. The beautiful image the Lord gave me was that as I sat alone in a quiet, dark, rocking chair, someone across the world from where I am might very well be praying for Faith with me. Maybe at 3am in Houston, there was someone in Poland or Turkey or Ohio praying for Faith-my middle of the night prayer partner! I truly mean it when I say your prayers keep me going. Thank you, thank you again!!!
Monday I went to see Dr. Adam, our perinatologist. My mom and sister were able to go with me. Shawn is saving his days for important doctor visits and for after Faith arrives. I, in the meantime, have decided that I can no longer brave doctor visits by myself. I need a babysitter, and on Monday I had two of my favorite women join me. I was nervous about my fluid levels being too high, but glory to God, they were not high enough to drain! Thank you, again, for those specific prayers! The ultrasound confirmed that Faith's conditions are the same and shed some light on what she might look like. She will be our angel girl with or without a perfectly formed body. Some of the details caught me off guard, though. I think mom and sister gasped at a few things we learned. The whole time I tried to stay focused, unemotional, knowing that I needed to gain as much information as I could while we had Dr. Adam in the room. Holding it together is a double-edged sword for me. The tears have to come out-I just pray they come out in a small and private room. Not Monday. After the ultrasound, we got in the elevator and were joined by a baby girl and her daddy. She was precious and cooed while we rode for what seemed to be an eternity in the elevator. I think I literally ran out of the elevator and out of the building to catch my breath. My hurt was wide open for the world to see and I couldn't hold it in. I was so happy for the daddy who had his precious, cooing, sweet smelling baby girl, but so sad for what we had just seen on the black and white screen in Dr. Adam's office. The tears fell...
We all three then went to the hospital to pre-register in case Faith decides to arrive early. The wind was blowing and it was actually cooler than normal-a rarity in Houston! We talked about the things we want to do with Faith and how she will be perfect in Heaven. She will have eyes to see Jesus and a beautiful voice to sing His praises. We went to see the labor and delivery floor and had an angel of a nurse take us for a tour of the floor. I am needing to prepare myself for the day she arrives. Part of my preparation is to see it in my mind-to place the people in the room and imagine the noises and smells. The nurse was so kind to give us pointers for our hospital stay-she even said she would love to be our nurse when the time comes. I know that the Lord sometimes uses strangers for Him to draw near to us in a tangible, human way. Oh how I needed it this day.
We then ate our weight in food and cheesecake-the only way to end a morning like we had! Mom and I bought some new toys for Jackson while we are at the hospital. Anything to bring joy to our little Jackson during this time is a relief! We ended the day purchasing some items for Faith's arrival and eating dinner with Shawn and Jackson. It was an exhausting, yet productive day. The Lord was there at every step making sure we had what we needed. I know He continues to be there and uses each of you reading this and praying for us to draw us near. As the end of our pregnancy draws near, we are drawing more near to the Lord-depending on Him for strength and wisdom.
Thank you, again, for all of your prayers, hugs, smiles, and messages. God has truly used them to wrap us up in His love!
LaTisha
I had a beautiful image come to mind in the middle of the night this week. I needed some quiet time with the Lord about 3 am one night, so I pulled myself (quite unwillingly) out of my dark, warm, quiet bed and made my way to my rocking chair. I turned on a light and snuggled in with my Bible and a blanket. The house was dark and quiet-Shawn, Jackson, and our dog, Maddie, were sound asleep. I desperately needed to hear God's word. I have been having terrible visions of tiny caskets, fresh dirt, and empty arms on my mind lately. I am now in my third trimester and I know the time to meet Faith is drawing near. I am clinging to every moment I have with Faith-wanting to remember every kick and squirm just in case it is the last. I do promise to get to the beautiful part! God works in wonderful ways. As I sat in the rocking chair listening to the still, quiet house, I began reading my Bible. All of the verses I was drawn to focused upon being 'chosen' and not alone in this journey. The Lord ordained this journey for our family before He ever created the Earth, moon, and sun. He walks with me and catches every tear I cry. I know that He hurts to see all of us hurt so, but I also know He has a greater plan. There was joy as I sat alone with the Lord knowing that He loves me enough to carry Faith and be her mommy. He knows how every bit of this journey will end, why it is happening, and how it will bring glory to His name. My job is to have faith and rest in Him. Other verses I found that night reminded me that I am not alone. The beautiful image the Lord gave me was that as I sat alone in a quiet, dark, rocking chair, someone across the world from where I am might very well be praying for Faith with me. Maybe at 3am in Houston, there was someone in Poland or Turkey or Ohio praying for Faith-my middle of the night prayer partner! I truly mean it when I say your prayers keep me going. Thank you, thank you again!!!
Monday I went to see Dr. Adam, our perinatologist. My mom and sister were able to go with me. Shawn is saving his days for important doctor visits and for after Faith arrives. I, in the meantime, have decided that I can no longer brave doctor visits by myself. I need a babysitter, and on Monday I had two of my favorite women join me. I was nervous about my fluid levels being too high, but glory to God, they were not high enough to drain! Thank you, again, for those specific prayers! The ultrasound confirmed that Faith's conditions are the same and shed some light on what she might look like. She will be our angel girl with or without a perfectly formed body. Some of the details caught me off guard, though. I think mom and sister gasped at a few things we learned. The whole time I tried to stay focused, unemotional, knowing that I needed to gain as much information as I could while we had Dr. Adam in the room. Holding it together is a double-edged sword for me. The tears have to come out-I just pray they come out in a small and private room. Not Monday. After the ultrasound, we got in the elevator and were joined by a baby girl and her daddy. She was precious and cooed while we rode for what seemed to be an eternity in the elevator. I think I literally ran out of the elevator and out of the building to catch my breath. My hurt was wide open for the world to see and I couldn't hold it in. I was so happy for the daddy who had his precious, cooing, sweet smelling baby girl, but so sad for what we had just seen on the black and white screen in Dr. Adam's office. The tears fell...
We all three then went to the hospital to pre-register in case Faith decides to arrive early. The wind was blowing and it was actually cooler than normal-a rarity in Houston! We talked about the things we want to do with Faith and how she will be perfect in Heaven. She will have eyes to see Jesus and a beautiful voice to sing His praises. We went to see the labor and delivery floor and had an angel of a nurse take us for a tour of the floor. I am needing to prepare myself for the day she arrives. Part of my preparation is to see it in my mind-to place the people in the room and imagine the noises and smells. The nurse was so kind to give us pointers for our hospital stay-she even said she would love to be our nurse when the time comes. I know that the Lord sometimes uses strangers for Him to draw near to us in a tangible, human way. Oh how I needed it this day.
We then ate our weight in food and cheesecake-the only way to end a morning like we had! Mom and I bought some new toys for Jackson while we are at the hospital. Anything to bring joy to our little Jackson during this time is a relief! We ended the day purchasing some items for Faith's arrival and eating dinner with Shawn and Jackson. It was an exhausting, yet productive day. The Lord was there at every step making sure we had what we needed. I know He continues to be there and uses each of you reading this and praying for us to draw us near. As the end of our pregnancy draws near, we are drawing more near to the Lord-depending on Him for strength and wisdom.
Thank you, again, for all of your prayers, hugs, smiles, and messages. God has truly used them to wrap us up in His love!
LaTisha
Saturday, September 18, 2010
To-Do List
So those of you who know me, know that I am a bit of an organizer and planner. Fellow list makers out there, you know what I mean! There is a sense of victory when you cross off an item and a huge relief when you can throw the list with beautifully crossed off items in the trash. For those of you who know me very well, know that I can sometimes take organization to an extreme. Is there really anything wrong with sippy cups being in rainbow order while stored in the cabinet waiting to be used? Well, in this journey, I have found there is little I can do to alter the outcome. I am reminded daily that the things I hold dearest in my life do not belong to me. God is in complete control and as the time begins to draw close for Faith's arrival, I am comforted that no incomplete to-do list or cups out of order will change the outcome. His name will be glorified!!
To bring some peace to my mind, I have felt the need to plan for the possibility that we may not have our Faith with us long. So, I wanted to bring you up to date with the to-dos we have been trying to mark off our list...
I have always loved bows on little girls. In fact, Shawn and I joked that if we had a baby girl we would only need bows and diapers. What else would a princess need? Whether we are blessed with Faith for a few precious moments or many years, our girl needed a bow. My mom and I went to a cute store for baby girls and found the most beautiful feather bows and dresses. I wanted to run out the doors as soon as I walked in. The dresses and bows were so precious, I was overwhelmed with the thought of only needing to buy one. How do you choose an outfit for your baby girl to meet Jesus? I am sure she will have a more heavenly appearance but, as her mommy, I wanted her to have something beautiful. We searched frantically, wanting to find the one perfect dress. We actually found two. One dress for us to hold her in while she is with us and one in which she could be put to rest, just in case. We found a blanket for her to match her fancy dress and a silky blanket so she would know something soft. When we had gathered her two outfits, I realized that the two put together included feathers, rhinestones, bows, silk, and soft cotton. We were able to get her everything a little girl might need in two dresses. Oh how I wish we could buy more....
A few days later Shawn and I needed to plan for her final resting place. I was so emotional for days leading up to meeting with the funeral home director and dreaded the meeting. I think I was able to find relief that day simply because the dreading was over. We met with two gracious men who wanted to accommodate our needs in any way. We saw a picture of a tiny casket they would provide for her and I was so thankful we wouldn't have to 'shop' for one. However, we would have to decide where to bury her. We went to the cemetery, and the place seemed very corporate. It was definitely a business and the two salespeople were there to sell us plots. We were so torn between placing her in 'Babyland' or buying plots for all of us. We walked through the cemetery with the salespeople and finally asked to walk through 'Babyland.' Babyland....this is where I fell apart. There is something so very wrong and unnatural about shopping for a plot to place your baby girl who is busy kicking and squirming in you. As we walked back to the office, I felt the need to let the salespeople know we may not be needing a plot for her and the plot we need didn't have to be the most expensive. I know deep inside that Faith will not rest in a pretty casket by the water or by the tree or by the freeway. She will be whole and completely healed praising the Lord with her every breath for eternity. We didn't need to buy the most expensive plots, we just needed a place for us to go and remember. Shawn and I left the funeral home and cemetery completely exhausted and feeling like we were touching the edge of our grief. Shawn describes it as standing on a cliff, looking at a deep valley that you know you will have to walk through. Some very smart doctors are telling us we will walk through this dark place. I am clinging to God's promises that He will be with us-carrying us the entire time.
Tonight I am still praying for our miracle. I am believing that my Jesus can do what He says He can. I have found a place in my walk with the Lord that I know I trust Him wholly and completely. I am placing my baby girl, my child whom I wanted so badly treasure so deeply, in His hands-trusting Him with whatever He has in store for us. I know and rest in the fact that His plan is perfect and that I will never understand it while on this earth. I am also resting in the fact that I will understand it all when I see His glory in Heaven. God gives and He takes away....and I trust Him to do this. I simply trust Him.
Praying for all of you who read this...thank you again for blessing us with your prayers!
LaTisha
To bring some peace to my mind, I have felt the need to plan for the possibility that we may not have our Faith with us long. So, I wanted to bring you up to date with the to-dos we have been trying to mark off our list...
I have always loved bows on little girls. In fact, Shawn and I joked that if we had a baby girl we would only need bows and diapers. What else would a princess need? Whether we are blessed with Faith for a few precious moments or many years, our girl needed a bow. My mom and I went to a cute store for baby girls and found the most beautiful feather bows and dresses. I wanted to run out the doors as soon as I walked in. The dresses and bows were so precious, I was overwhelmed with the thought of only needing to buy one. How do you choose an outfit for your baby girl to meet Jesus? I am sure she will have a more heavenly appearance but, as her mommy, I wanted her to have something beautiful. We searched frantically, wanting to find the one perfect dress. We actually found two. One dress for us to hold her in while she is with us and one in which she could be put to rest, just in case. We found a blanket for her to match her fancy dress and a silky blanket so she would know something soft. When we had gathered her two outfits, I realized that the two put together included feathers, rhinestones, bows, silk, and soft cotton. We were able to get her everything a little girl might need in two dresses. Oh how I wish we could buy more....
A few days later Shawn and I needed to plan for her final resting place. I was so emotional for days leading up to meeting with the funeral home director and dreaded the meeting. I think I was able to find relief that day simply because the dreading was over. We met with two gracious men who wanted to accommodate our needs in any way. We saw a picture of a tiny casket they would provide for her and I was so thankful we wouldn't have to 'shop' for one. However, we would have to decide where to bury her. We went to the cemetery, and the place seemed very corporate. It was definitely a business and the two salespeople were there to sell us plots. We were so torn between placing her in 'Babyland' or buying plots for all of us. We walked through the cemetery with the salespeople and finally asked to walk through 'Babyland.' Babyland....this is where I fell apart. There is something so very wrong and unnatural about shopping for a plot to place your baby girl who is busy kicking and squirming in you. As we walked back to the office, I felt the need to let the salespeople know we may not be needing a plot for her and the plot we need didn't have to be the most expensive. I know deep inside that Faith will not rest in a pretty casket by the water or by the tree or by the freeway. She will be whole and completely healed praising the Lord with her every breath for eternity. We didn't need to buy the most expensive plots, we just needed a place for us to go and remember. Shawn and I left the funeral home and cemetery completely exhausted and feeling like we were touching the edge of our grief. Shawn describes it as standing on a cliff, looking at a deep valley that you know you will have to walk through. Some very smart doctors are telling us we will walk through this dark place. I am clinging to God's promises that He will be with us-carrying us the entire time.
Tonight I am still praying for our miracle. I am believing that my Jesus can do what He says He can. I have found a place in my walk with the Lord that I know I trust Him wholly and completely. I am placing my baby girl, my child whom I wanted so badly treasure so deeply, in His hands-trusting Him with whatever He has in store for us. I know and rest in the fact that His plan is perfect and that I will never understand it while on this earth. I am also resting in the fact that I will understand it all when I see His glory in Heaven. God gives and He takes away....and I trust Him to do this. I simply trust Him.
Praying for all of you who read this...thank you again for blessing us with your prayers!
LaTisha
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Then and Now...
Hi again! I am so blown away by all of the emails and posts we have received in such a short time. I will try my best to respond to each of you...it may just take me a bit of time. To everyone who has sent us messages so far, you have blessed me today. Today was a doctor day and they are usually pretty rough for me. Your prayers and kind messages kept me lifted today and I cannot thank you enough. I have been anxious to get home and have some quiet time and share some thoughts and realizations I have had over the last few weeks. Again, I cannot express my deepest gratitude for your messages today! The Lord has placed each of you on my heart in such a specific way, so please know that I pray for you as you pray for us. I am feeling pretty raw tonight and I just want to be honest with all of you as you walk this journey with us.
First of all, it hasn't been easy. When Shawn and I first learned about Faith's prognosis, we were shocked, confused, and so so sad. God has worked in huge ways with us since the first night we found out. The doctors have all recommended that we end the pregnancy. Shawn and I spoke (briefly) about the possiblility. We were scared. Can my body continue to handle being pregnant and can we emotionally handle hanging on to her? The honest answer is NO, of course not! My body is not handling this pregnancy very well and emotionally we have been all over the place. This is what I do know....there was never a choice for me. I have learned too much about my Jesus and my Lord to know that He will not let us walk through a valley without letting us see the mountaintop. God promises glory on the other side of the battle. I do not want to miss out on one moment of this journey God has in store for us. This journey is not easy, and doesn't hold any promises of getting any easier. But I am clinging to His promises with my every breath. I want to treasure every moment we have with our baby girl, so we will live life including her in all that we do.
The verse that God has put on my heart for Faith is Psalm 139. Psalm 139 describes in detail how God knows us before we were born...when we were formed in the 'secret place.' Our days are known to Him-how many we have and how many we don't. The Lord knows every hair on our precious Faith's head and has caught every tear we have shed over her. How can I not trust Him in this? It is the only choice I have and truly the only way I get through tough days, like today.
My thoughts are all over the place tonight, so I am praying as I write this that it makes sense. I am overwhelmed with love for each of you caring enough to pray for us and join us on this journey. Honestly, though, I am tired tonight and my body feels weak. Like I said, doctor days have a way of taking it out of me. We spend so much of the day talking about Faith's prognosis and the 'reality' of her situation. Do not resusitate orders, neonatal consults, and in which hospital to deliver...these days are spent planning for the reality that Faith may not join our family like we hoped she would. Yet, tonight and every moment of every day, I still hold out hope. I know that my God can perform mighty miracles-He raised Lazarus from the dead. He can certainly heal our baby girl. The question is will He? I am prepared to accept His answer-whether it be yes or no. I rest knowing that not one of my tears will hit the ground. He will catch each and every one (He is going to need one heavenly-sized bucket,though for these tears). Please, Lord, let this journey and Faith's life be to Your glory!
I find myself worrying tonight about what lies ahead for us in this journey. One of the concerns the doctors have is my level of amniotic fluid. It doesn't appear that Faith is swallowing, so my fluid levels are rising. If they get too high, I will have to go in for another amnio to have some of it drained. To tell you the truth, I am not looking forward to the procedure (needles and I are not great friends). However, I am reminded of daily bread. God promises that I will have what I need when I need it-not before and not 10 minutes too late. If we have to go in and have some fluid drained, I know that Heaven will stand still (thanks, Nicole!) so God Himself can hold my hand. When I start to fear what will happen, I just remember daily bread. He will provide perfectly...I know He will.
My prayer for each of you tonight is that you have daily bread and that it is apparent to you that the Lord has provided perfectly. You are in my prayers, and thank you again for keeping us lifted.
With much love and humility,
LaTisha
First of all, it hasn't been easy. When Shawn and I first learned about Faith's prognosis, we were shocked, confused, and so so sad. God has worked in huge ways with us since the first night we found out. The doctors have all recommended that we end the pregnancy. Shawn and I spoke (briefly) about the possiblility. We were scared. Can my body continue to handle being pregnant and can we emotionally handle hanging on to her? The honest answer is NO, of course not! My body is not handling this pregnancy very well and emotionally we have been all over the place. This is what I do know....there was never a choice for me. I have learned too much about my Jesus and my Lord to know that He will not let us walk through a valley without letting us see the mountaintop. God promises glory on the other side of the battle. I do not want to miss out on one moment of this journey God has in store for us. This journey is not easy, and doesn't hold any promises of getting any easier. But I am clinging to His promises with my every breath. I want to treasure every moment we have with our baby girl, so we will live life including her in all that we do.
The verse that God has put on my heart for Faith is Psalm 139. Psalm 139 describes in detail how God knows us before we were born...when we were formed in the 'secret place.' Our days are known to Him-how many we have and how many we don't. The Lord knows every hair on our precious Faith's head and has caught every tear we have shed over her. How can I not trust Him in this? It is the only choice I have and truly the only way I get through tough days, like today.
My thoughts are all over the place tonight, so I am praying as I write this that it makes sense. I am overwhelmed with love for each of you caring enough to pray for us and join us on this journey. Honestly, though, I am tired tonight and my body feels weak. Like I said, doctor days have a way of taking it out of me. We spend so much of the day talking about Faith's prognosis and the 'reality' of her situation. Do not resusitate orders, neonatal consults, and in which hospital to deliver...these days are spent planning for the reality that Faith may not join our family like we hoped she would. Yet, tonight and every moment of every day, I still hold out hope. I know that my God can perform mighty miracles-He raised Lazarus from the dead. He can certainly heal our baby girl. The question is will He? I am prepared to accept His answer-whether it be yes or no. I rest knowing that not one of my tears will hit the ground. He will catch each and every one (He is going to need one heavenly-sized bucket,though for these tears). Please, Lord, let this journey and Faith's life be to Your glory!
I find myself worrying tonight about what lies ahead for us in this journey. One of the concerns the doctors have is my level of amniotic fluid. It doesn't appear that Faith is swallowing, so my fluid levels are rising. If they get too high, I will have to go in for another amnio to have some of it drained. To tell you the truth, I am not looking forward to the procedure (needles and I are not great friends). However, I am reminded of daily bread. God promises that I will have what I need when I need it-not before and not 10 minutes too late. If we have to go in and have some fluid drained, I know that Heaven will stand still (thanks, Nicole!) so God Himself can hold my hand. When I start to fear what will happen, I just remember daily bread. He will provide perfectly...I know He will.
My prayer for each of you tonight is that you have daily bread and that it is apparent to you that the Lord has provided perfectly. You are in my prayers, and thank you again for keeping us lifted.
With much love and humility,
LaTisha
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Beginning
First of all, welcome to our story of Faith-Faith Marie. Let me warn you before we get started that I am not a 'writer'...the Lord has simply placed things on my heart to share with all of you. Now that you have been forewarned, thank you so much for choosing to be part of our journey. We have heard from so many of you and have been deeply touched by your prayers. Whether or not we have met you face to face, you are in my daily prayers of gratitude for standing in the gap for us. When we have been too weak or sad, it is nice to know we have an army of prayer warriors keeping us lifted. I cannot begin to express my deepest thanks. I was humbled this weekend to hear that our Baby Faith has reached the San Antonio police department, Dallas, California, and even as far as Canada. This blog is for you-the countless number of faces we have met and those we haven't. Friends and family have asked us for specific prayer requests and for updates. Hopefully this blog will help us keep everyone informed of what is happening and how to pray specifically for steps along this journey. Again I thank you for holding us up in prayer-it is truly the only way we are still breathing.
So let's start at the beginning. I am LaTisha and I will do my best to pass on information and prayer requests. The Lord has placed insights into His heart day and night, mostly night! I am selfishly hoping I will be able to sleep through the night again by sharing all He has for us during these next few months. I'm married to Shawn, my tender-hearted, God-given strong husband. He has such a heart for the Lord and His family. Hopefully that will show over these written words. We have been married for almost 4 busy and wonderful years. We also have our walking and talking (in paragraphs) 3 year old miracle, Jackson. I'm sure I'll be sharing more about them later...
Shawn and I found out we were pregnant with our second child at the end of March. I had just returned from a women's retreat (God's timing being perfect, as always) when I saw the double pink lines. We were elated and sure the timing was perfect. With a December 15 due date, we would have our Christmas baby and a sibling for Jackson. The first 5 months were pretty rough. I had a difficult time with nausea and keeping food down...all the while trying to enjoy the last few months I would be a mommy of 1. I had begun progesterone shots to help me carry this baby longer than I was able to carry Jackson (he was a little more than 6 weeks premature). We were looking forward to welcoming another miracle to our family, but were also aware that Jackson's life was about to change. We had no idea how much!
We knew Jackson had a hole in his heart while we were pregnant with him (more about that later), so my OB decided to send us to a perinatologist for our 20 week ultrasound. Mom kept Jackson at home while Shawn and I went to find out if we were going to be blessed with a brother or sister for Jackson. Truth be known, I was hoping for bows. Shawn was already preparing himself for the onslaught of pink, rhinestones, and ribbons. As we waited in the waiting room, I made a comprehensive list of our family history-including Jackson's medical issues and our extended family. Why would I make a list of those things when we had no indication there was anything wrong?? Now I know what I didn't know then...the Lord had already begun working.
We were finally called back to the dark and quiet ultrasound room. The nurse set us up and hardly had time to begin her scan when Dr. Adam, our perinatologist, walked in to take over. Dr. Adam, we later found out, is highly respected in Houston and I know that the Lord placed us in her caring hands. She isn't known for her soft side as much as her intelligence, but Shawn and I were about to be some of the few that know her gentle side. In what seemed less than 30 seconds of her beginning the ultrasound, Dr. Adam asked if we had had any previous scans. I knew then this was not headed in the right direction. The dark, quiet room became still with our anticipation. After I gathered my breath, I told her our last ultrasound was at 10 weeks. She then looked me straight in the eye and told us, "I'm so sorry I am going to break your hearts today." I bust out into tears, Shawn bowed his head, and we clung to each other as she shattered our dreams of bringing home a beautiful, healthy Christmas baby. I became almost robotic in asking questions, from the silly to the unimaginable, trying to wrap my mind around what was happening. Dr. Adam quickly recommended we do an amniocentesis, blood-work, and all kinds of genetic testing. We agreed and then were escorted through some back rooms (not wanting to parade our swollen, red faces in front of the hopeful mommies and daddies in the waiting room) to our genetic counselor. Sandra, our God-given genetic counselor, led us through the ins and outs of what was happening with our little one. If you are reading this, thank you Sandra for all you have done and continue to do for us and our Baby Faith. You have been an answer to our prayers!
We were in complete shock and I know the Lord used it to protect us from the diagnosis we couldn't handle. I apologize for the following being detailed and graphic, but I know some of you truly want to pray specifically for our baby girl. We learned from the tests that day that Faith has a neural tube (brain) defect, an omphalocele, and holes in her heart. We now have a new vocabulary that I hope and pray no parent should ever have to learn. However, we are so grateful for all the intelligent doctors taking time to explain every detail to us. Faith's neural tube defect happened before we ever knew we were pregnant. Basically, her brain never fully developed. She has only a brain stem which regulates her heartbeat, breathing, and reflex movement (and, oh boy, does she move!). An omphalocele is where her liver and possibly some of her intestines did not enter the abdomen. They are on the outside, not the inside. She also has holes between the chambers in her heart. All the doctors have agreed that her abnormalities are not 'compatible with life.' According to the doctors, Faith may pass from this world into the next at any time-in utero, at birth, or after a few short hours of life.
As I am sure you have figured out, we learned that week that our precious angel baby is a girl. We decided to name her Faith because that is what we cling to daily and no other name described her or her journey more beautifully. Her middle name is Marie after my mom, Mary, and Shawn's mom, Diane Marie. We decided she needs the strength of her name to help guide her (and us). I have been wanting to begin this blog for weeks, but I am trusting that the Lord's timing is perfect...more perfect than my own. We have been trying to learn how to live with and digest this news over the past 5 weeks. There have been so many emotions, blessings (yes, blessings), and lessons God has shared with me. I think I might finally have the strength to share them with you through this blog...
I am fully aware of Faith's prognosis by our very smart doctors. BUT, I also know my Jesus. He could heal her in a breath if that is part of His will. Of course we are praying for healing, but even more so are praying that the Lord's name be glorified through our journey with Faith. Shawn and I have come to rest knowing we have been chosen by God Himself to be Faith Marie's parents. I also believe each of you have been chosen to share this journey with us. Thank you, again, for loving on us with your prayers and support...
With much gratitude and love,
LaTisha
So let's start at the beginning. I am LaTisha and I will do my best to pass on information and prayer requests. The Lord has placed insights into His heart day and night, mostly night! I am selfishly hoping I will be able to sleep through the night again by sharing all He has for us during these next few months. I'm married to Shawn, my tender-hearted, God-given strong husband. He has such a heart for the Lord and His family. Hopefully that will show over these written words. We have been married for almost 4 busy and wonderful years. We also have our walking and talking (in paragraphs) 3 year old miracle, Jackson. I'm sure I'll be sharing more about them later...
Shawn and I found out we were pregnant with our second child at the end of March. I had just returned from a women's retreat (God's timing being perfect, as always) when I saw the double pink lines. We were elated and sure the timing was perfect. With a December 15 due date, we would have our Christmas baby and a sibling for Jackson. The first 5 months were pretty rough. I had a difficult time with nausea and keeping food down...all the while trying to enjoy the last few months I would be a mommy of 1. I had begun progesterone shots to help me carry this baby longer than I was able to carry Jackson (he was a little more than 6 weeks premature). We were looking forward to welcoming another miracle to our family, but were also aware that Jackson's life was about to change. We had no idea how much!
We knew Jackson had a hole in his heart while we were pregnant with him (more about that later), so my OB decided to send us to a perinatologist for our 20 week ultrasound. Mom kept Jackson at home while Shawn and I went to find out if we were going to be blessed with a brother or sister for Jackson. Truth be known, I was hoping for bows. Shawn was already preparing himself for the onslaught of pink, rhinestones, and ribbons. As we waited in the waiting room, I made a comprehensive list of our family history-including Jackson's medical issues and our extended family. Why would I make a list of those things when we had no indication there was anything wrong?? Now I know what I didn't know then...the Lord had already begun working.
We were finally called back to the dark and quiet ultrasound room. The nurse set us up and hardly had time to begin her scan when Dr. Adam, our perinatologist, walked in to take over. Dr. Adam, we later found out, is highly respected in Houston and I know that the Lord placed us in her caring hands. She isn't known for her soft side as much as her intelligence, but Shawn and I were about to be some of the few that know her gentle side. In what seemed less than 30 seconds of her beginning the ultrasound, Dr. Adam asked if we had had any previous scans. I knew then this was not headed in the right direction. The dark, quiet room became still with our anticipation. After I gathered my breath, I told her our last ultrasound was at 10 weeks. She then looked me straight in the eye and told us, "I'm so sorry I am going to break your hearts today." I bust out into tears, Shawn bowed his head, and we clung to each other as she shattered our dreams of bringing home a beautiful, healthy Christmas baby. I became almost robotic in asking questions, from the silly to the unimaginable, trying to wrap my mind around what was happening. Dr. Adam quickly recommended we do an amniocentesis, blood-work, and all kinds of genetic testing. We agreed and then were escorted through some back rooms (not wanting to parade our swollen, red faces in front of the hopeful mommies and daddies in the waiting room) to our genetic counselor. Sandra, our God-given genetic counselor, led us through the ins and outs of what was happening with our little one. If you are reading this, thank you Sandra for all you have done and continue to do for us and our Baby Faith. You have been an answer to our prayers!
We were in complete shock and I know the Lord used it to protect us from the diagnosis we couldn't handle. I apologize for the following being detailed and graphic, but I know some of you truly want to pray specifically for our baby girl. We learned from the tests that day that Faith has a neural tube (brain) defect, an omphalocele, and holes in her heart. We now have a new vocabulary that I hope and pray no parent should ever have to learn. However, we are so grateful for all the intelligent doctors taking time to explain every detail to us. Faith's neural tube defect happened before we ever knew we were pregnant. Basically, her brain never fully developed. She has only a brain stem which regulates her heartbeat, breathing, and reflex movement (and, oh boy, does she move!). An omphalocele is where her liver and possibly some of her intestines did not enter the abdomen. They are on the outside, not the inside. She also has holes between the chambers in her heart. All the doctors have agreed that her abnormalities are not 'compatible with life.' According to the doctors, Faith may pass from this world into the next at any time-in utero, at birth, or after a few short hours of life.
As I am sure you have figured out, we learned that week that our precious angel baby is a girl. We decided to name her Faith because that is what we cling to daily and no other name described her or her journey more beautifully. Her middle name is Marie after my mom, Mary, and Shawn's mom, Diane Marie. We decided she needs the strength of her name to help guide her (and us). I have been wanting to begin this blog for weeks, but I am trusting that the Lord's timing is perfect...more perfect than my own. We have been trying to learn how to live with and digest this news over the past 5 weeks. There have been so many emotions, blessings (yes, blessings), and lessons God has shared with me. I think I might finally have the strength to share them with you through this blog...
I am fully aware of Faith's prognosis by our very smart doctors. BUT, I also know my Jesus. He could heal her in a breath if that is part of His will. Of course we are praying for healing, but even more so are praying that the Lord's name be glorified through our journey with Faith. Shawn and I have come to rest knowing we have been chosen by God Himself to be Faith Marie's parents. I also believe each of you have been chosen to share this journey with us. Thank you, again, for loving on us with your prayers and support...
With much gratitude and love,
LaTisha
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