Journal Entry-Letting Go

I hope this post finds all of you doing well. I wanted to share with you some of my journal thoughts. I had kept them private at first because I wasn't sure how they would come across...I wasn't sure I was ready to share.  I haven't kept much, if anything, from you, so I decided to share it all. Please consider yourself invited to the innermost part of my thought and prayer life (and now you have been at least forewarned!)!  :)

January, 2011

Giving up control is still difficult for me. I think sometimes that if I can just maintain a certain environment, things will go well and life will be uncomplicated. If I have learned anything by Faith, I have learned that this world is a much better place when I don't control things and let Him. (These words are even hard to confess, own, and write). The first few months after Faith was born, we were unable to think about trying again. Of course, this is often the first question from people. Doctors initially asked us to wait 3 months. Actually, when the doctor called in early December to tell us the autopsy reports were ready, she let us know it was time to start trying. We hadn't reached Faith's due date yet and it was already time to start thinking about hopping on the roller coaster???  NO WAY!  Neither Shawn or I were ready to get on to the up and down, twisting turning, stomach lurching ride we had just gotten off.

Christmas came...ohhh Christmas!  It is my absolute favorite time of year and this year was so special. Something happened during Christmas time.  I can't explain it, but something happened. A weight was lifted and I began to be part of the living again. I kept in contact with our doctors and each one recommended that we begin trying as soon as we were ready. I am almost 34 and, with our risk factors, they would like to see us pregnant again sooner than later. Shawn and I began having more conversations about the thought of going through this all over again.

So, four months after the loss of our daughter, we are giving up control once again. We have decided to let go and let God do what He needs to do with us. I have been blessed to meet moms and other families who have lost their children. Some are ready to try again the next day and some are never ready. I want to acknowledge here that each family is different. What these families have decided is right for them, and what we have decided through much prayer is that this is right for us. We are letting go and letting God decide our future.

We don't know what the future holds. I am honestly scared, no, petrified to think of all the possibilities. I feel helpless, out of control, and fearful of the uncertainty that lies ahead. I am also hopeful that we will be able to welcome a sweet little one into our family and watch him or her grow up with Jackson. I do know this...at this time, prayer is sustaining me and getting me through.  I could so easily cross to the dark side of fear and stay there. I am very mindful of my emotions and thoughts. I try to give fear its due time because it is an honest feeling. BUT, I spend the majority of my time repeating God's promises over and over and over again. I know that His word is true and I am clinging desperately to it.

My sweet friends, I do ask that you pray for us yet again as we embark on a new journey of trust. We don't know what our future holds, but we have at least decided that we are not in control and God's timing for our family is perfect. It is up to Him if and when He blesses us with another child. Until then, we are trusting Him and relying on His word.


May His word and Breath sustain each of you!  We love you dearly!
Tis