To say I have missed writing to you is an understatement! I'm so sorry I haven't made time to sit with you these past few weeks. I am constantly trying to find a balance between work, being a wife, being a mommy, being a sister/daughter/granddaughter/etc., and sharing with you what God has been doing in our family. I haven't taken time for myself to sit and reflect these past weeks. Posting here is a way that I hear God speak-He speaks to me as I write (if that makes any sense!). I often have no idea what I have written and send it praying it makes sense to you because posting here is more of a conversation between my Savior and I on my end. It is a way I make sense of what He is teaching me. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to continue writing and thank you for your continued prayers!
Our sweet little Jackson has been sick this week. I am so reminded of how to prioritize when he is not feeling well. The house work is put off, dinner is a quick fix, and snuggle time becomes the most important thing in the world. When Jackson is sick, he often wants to snuggle up and be held. Sometimes he will play for a few minutes, but then he always comes back to warm, cuddly arms ready to embrace him hoping to help him feel better.
Isn't that how God is with us? During phases in our life we snuggle up close trying to shield ourselves from pain, sadness, hurt, and reality. Then, when we are ready to get up for a bit, we venture out to 'play.' We go to work and try to look normal, we visit with friends and talk about silly things, we spend time with our families making important memories. Yet, when the quiet time comes, we go running to the protective arms of our Savior. At least I have found myself doing much of that lately. I function well, most of the time, in this new world. I smile and laugh at appropriate times, I work hard, and I love much. But there is always this little missing piece, this whisper of a voice I never heard, and an ache in my heart for what feels so far away. I still see her face, remember her hands, and think about the glory of her journey. I do feel more 'normal' I guess, but there will always be something different inside of me. I will never be the same person I was before.
Case in point...we celebrated our precious nephew's birthday this month. He is growing up SO fast-they all do I guess. I sat back at one point of the party and watched the boys play. I watched them giggle, crash into trees, and run around the trampoline. And as I watched, a part of me grew sad. I thought of all the birthdays that she will miss and that we will miss with her. I thought of the princess hat I would have bought her. I thought about how wonderfully, beautifully, and marveously made these children in our family are and wanted to remind everyone to never take them for granted. Birthdays mean something a little more now. It is a celebration of life-the gift we have been given of another year with our precious children. At this party, I grew more thankful for our nephew than ever before. I was more thankful for each of them. It was a wonderful day full of memories. The adults played baseball (quite a sight, I tell you!) while the kids played with toy trucks and planes. But now, on these special days, I am reminded so much more of how precious they are. My heart remembers what we have lost, but beams with gratitude for what we have been given.
We are a blessed family. We have been touched by God Himself in the form of a precious baby girl whom He took to Heaven all too soon. Our job now is to live in the day, appreciate how He touches our lives each day with all of our loved ones, and celebrate the gifts we have been given. I am going out to 'play' more, but always find myself running back to His loving arms for the comfort only He can provide.
Tonight I pray you all find your way into the comfort of His arms-whether it be to relax, grieve, or just get warm from the winter- I pray you know the love and peace found there.
With much love,
Tis
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