I hope this post finds all of you doing well. I wanted to share with you some of my journal thoughts. I had kept them private at first because I wasn't sure how they would come across...I wasn't sure I was ready to share. I haven't kept much, if anything, from you, so I decided to share it all. Please consider yourself invited to the innermost part of my thought and prayer life (and now you have been at least forewarned!)! :)
January, 2011
Giving up control is still difficult for me. I think sometimes that if I can just maintain a certain environment, things will go well and life will be uncomplicated. If I have learned anything by Faith, I have learned that this world is a much better place when I don't control things and let Him. (These words are even hard to confess, own, and write). The first few months after Faith was born, we were unable to think about trying again. Of course, this is often the first question from people. Doctors initially asked us to wait 3 months. Actually, when the doctor called in early December to tell us the autopsy reports were ready, she let us know it was time to start trying. We hadn't reached Faith's due date yet and it was already time to start thinking about hopping on the roller coaster??? NO WAY! Neither Shawn or I were ready to get on to the up and down, twisting turning, stomach lurching ride we had just gotten off.
Christmas came...ohhh Christmas! It is my absolute favorite time of year and this year was so special. Something happened during Christmas time. I can't explain it, but something happened. A weight was lifted and I began to be part of the living again. I kept in contact with our doctors and each one recommended that we begin trying as soon as we were ready. I am almost 34 and, with our risk factors, they would like to see us pregnant again sooner than later. Shawn and I began having more conversations about the thought of going through this all over again.
So, four months after the loss of our daughter, we are giving up control once again. We have decided to let go and let God do what He needs to do with us. I have been blessed to meet moms and other families who have lost their children. Some are ready to try again the next day and some are never ready. I want to acknowledge here that each family is different. What these families have decided is right for them, and what we have decided through much prayer is that this is right for us. We are letting go and letting God decide our future.
We don't know what the future holds. I am honestly scared, no, petrified to think of all the possibilities. I feel helpless, out of control, and fearful of the uncertainty that lies ahead. I am also hopeful that we will be able to welcome a sweet little one into our family and watch him or her grow up with Jackson. I do know this...at this time, prayer is sustaining me and getting me through. I could so easily cross to the dark side of fear and stay there. I am very mindful of my emotions and thoughts. I try to give fear its due time because it is an honest feeling. BUT, I spend the majority of my time repeating God's promises over and over and over again. I know that His word is true and I am clinging desperately to it.
My sweet friends, I do ask that you pray for us yet again as we embark on a new journey of trust. We don't know what our future holds, but we have at least decided that we are not in control and God's timing for our family is perfect. It is up to Him if and when He blesses us with another child. Until then, we are trusting Him and relying on His word.
May His word and Breath sustain each of you! We love you dearly!
Tis
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Busy Season
To say I have missed writing to you is an understatement! I'm so sorry I haven't made time to sit with you these past few weeks. I am constantly trying to find a balance between work, being a wife, being a mommy, being a sister/daughter/granddaughter/etc., and sharing with you what God has been doing in our family. I haven't taken time for myself to sit and reflect these past weeks. Posting here is a way that I hear God speak-He speaks to me as I write (if that makes any sense!). I often have no idea what I have written and send it praying it makes sense to you because posting here is more of a conversation between my Savior and I on my end. It is a way I make sense of what He is teaching me. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to continue writing and thank you for your continued prayers!
Our sweet little Jackson has been sick this week. I am so reminded of how to prioritize when he is not feeling well. The house work is put off, dinner is a quick fix, and snuggle time becomes the most important thing in the world. When Jackson is sick, he often wants to snuggle up and be held. Sometimes he will play for a few minutes, but then he always comes back to warm, cuddly arms ready to embrace him hoping to help him feel better.
Isn't that how God is with us? During phases in our life we snuggle up close trying to shield ourselves from pain, sadness, hurt, and reality. Then, when we are ready to get up for a bit, we venture out to 'play.' We go to work and try to look normal, we visit with friends and talk about silly things, we spend time with our families making important memories. Yet, when the quiet time comes, we go running to the protective arms of our Savior. At least I have found myself doing much of that lately. I function well, most of the time, in this new world. I smile and laugh at appropriate times, I work hard, and I love much. But there is always this little missing piece, this whisper of a voice I never heard, and an ache in my heart for what feels so far away. I still see her face, remember her hands, and think about the glory of her journey. I do feel more 'normal' I guess, but there will always be something different inside of me. I will never be the same person I was before.
Case in point...we celebrated our precious nephew's birthday this month. He is growing up SO fast-they all do I guess. I sat back at one point of the party and watched the boys play. I watched them giggle, crash into trees, and run around the trampoline. And as I watched, a part of me grew sad. I thought of all the birthdays that she will miss and that we will miss with her. I thought of the princess hat I would have bought her. I thought about how wonderfully, beautifully, and marveously made these children in our family are and wanted to remind everyone to never take them for granted. Birthdays mean something a little more now. It is a celebration of life-the gift we have been given of another year with our precious children. At this party, I grew more thankful for our nephew than ever before. I was more thankful for each of them. It was a wonderful day full of memories. The adults played baseball (quite a sight, I tell you!) while the kids played with toy trucks and planes. But now, on these special days, I am reminded so much more of how precious they are. My heart remembers what we have lost, but beams with gratitude for what we have been given.
We are a blessed family. We have been touched by God Himself in the form of a precious baby girl whom He took to Heaven all too soon. Our job now is to live in the day, appreciate how He touches our lives each day with all of our loved ones, and celebrate the gifts we have been given. I am going out to 'play' more, but always find myself running back to His loving arms for the comfort only He can provide.
Tonight I pray you all find your way into the comfort of His arms-whether it be to relax, grieve, or just get warm from the winter- I pray you know the love and peace found there.
With much love,
Tis
Our sweet little Jackson has been sick this week. I am so reminded of how to prioritize when he is not feeling well. The house work is put off, dinner is a quick fix, and snuggle time becomes the most important thing in the world. When Jackson is sick, he often wants to snuggle up and be held. Sometimes he will play for a few minutes, but then he always comes back to warm, cuddly arms ready to embrace him hoping to help him feel better.
Isn't that how God is with us? During phases in our life we snuggle up close trying to shield ourselves from pain, sadness, hurt, and reality. Then, when we are ready to get up for a bit, we venture out to 'play.' We go to work and try to look normal, we visit with friends and talk about silly things, we spend time with our families making important memories. Yet, when the quiet time comes, we go running to the protective arms of our Savior. At least I have found myself doing much of that lately. I function well, most of the time, in this new world. I smile and laugh at appropriate times, I work hard, and I love much. But there is always this little missing piece, this whisper of a voice I never heard, and an ache in my heart for what feels so far away. I still see her face, remember her hands, and think about the glory of her journey. I do feel more 'normal' I guess, but there will always be something different inside of me. I will never be the same person I was before.
Case in point...we celebrated our precious nephew's birthday this month. He is growing up SO fast-they all do I guess. I sat back at one point of the party and watched the boys play. I watched them giggle, crash into trees, and run around the trampoline. And as I watched, a part of me grew sad. I thought of all the birthdays that she will miss and that we will miss with her. I thought of the princess hat I would have bought her. I thought about how wonderfully, beautifully, and marveously made these children in our family are and wanted to remind everyone to never take them for granted. Birthdays mean something a little more now. It is a celebration of life-the gift we have been given of another year with our precious children. At this party, I grew more thankful for our nephew than ever before. I was more thankful for each of them. It was a wonderful day full of memories. The adults played baseball (quite a sight, I tell you!) while the kids played with toy trucks and planes. But now, on these special days, I am reminded so much more of how precious they are. My heart remembers what we have lost, but beams with gratitude for what we have been given.
We are a blessed family. We have been touched by God Himself in the form of a precious baby girl whom He took to Heaven all too soon. Our job now is to live in the day, appreciate how He touches our lives each day with all of our loved ones, and celebrate the gifts we have been given. I am going out to 'play' more, but always find myself running back to His loving arms for the comfort only He can provide.
Tonight I pray you all find your way into the comfort of His arms-whether it be to relax, grieve, or just get warm from the winter- I pray you know the love and peace found there.
With much love,
Tis
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