Tonight I am thankful for the darkness...

Jackson and I just returned home from my niece's dance recital.  She was absolutely gorgeous and I wish I had pictures to share with you. She is a graceful dancer and just seems to become more and more beautiful each time I watch her. She's developing into a wonderful young woman and it is a joy to watch!

That is actually not the reason I am writing tonight. I actually couldn't wait to spill all that I am feeling and there is no other place to put all of this, so please bear with me. I am just hoping God makes sense of this one....

I am thankful for the darkness tonight because, in the dark, no one could see me lose it. I went to her recital excited to watch her dance. I love seeing the dancers, their families, and all the flowers and balloons. It truly is a joyous occasion. I wasn't expecting this one. I sat down and the curtains rose to Chicago music and gorgeous high school company dancers. "All that Jazz" played and Jackson was enthralled with the beautiful costumes and lively music.

Then it all began...

The toddler girls walked out in their glittery pink tutus, feathery hats, and HUGE bows on their shoes. And I lost it. It zoomed me back to one year ago at Taylor's dance recital where I was elbowing Shawn telling him to get ready for all of this. I was prepping him for the videos, the glitz, and all the 'discussions' we would have on how much the costumes would cost. I knew with all my being that we were having a girl and I was so excited to experience the dance recital world as a mom bringing the make-up and the thousand bobby-pins. I would have stayed at the theater all day helping the girls get ready and would have an extra dab of glitter before heading out to the stage. I so vividly remember him smiling and rolling his eyes at me thinking I was crazy for wanting all the craze.

I watched as the precious little girls danced around the stage to their own beat and wondered if their parents appreciated them enough. Did these little girls' parents understand the blessing of recital day? Did they buy them flowers and tell them how proud they are of them? Did they give them an extra hug before they went on stage?

I finally brought myself back together about mid-way through the recital mainly because Jackson and his cousins made their way down to my lap. Oh how thankful I am for the reality of little boys. They each had their electronic device to keep them busy and entertained for the 2 hour show. One had an iPhone, one had a DS, and one had a Leapster. When they tired of one, they were happy to trade with their cousin. Everyone stopped to watch Taylor dance-you could see how proud they were of her!

Then it happened...

About 10 little toddler girls entered the stage with pink glittery costumes and wings. I saw the wings and teared up...had I only known what was coming next. Gut check! I can't tell you the name of the song or very many of the lyrics because I lost my breath and wanted to run away. Something about 'thank you for holding my hand and teaching me', 'you have given me wings to fly', 'there will never be goodbye because we are always together', and so on....Grief overcame me and I began to think about the 'nevers'.

I will never get to dress Faith in a glittery costume.
I will never get to watch her dance on stage.
I will never get to nudge Shawn when she does a beautiful leap.
I will never get to do so many things that I had dreamed of with her.

And just when I thought my heart could bear no more, a group of older dancers danced to 'Amazing Grace.' A wooden cross took center stage as a dozen dancers danced in praise to our Father.My heart broke into a thousand pieces because I know in that moment that Faith was dancing with Him who loves us most.

I will get to see Faith dance for her Father in a Heavenly costume.
I will get to see her dance on the grandest stage.
I will still nudge Shawn with pride as she praises Him with the most beautiful dance.
And I will get to spend forever with her praising the One who loves us the most.

My earthly self still hurts for her and aches to hold her and have these worldly experiences with her but, in the dark, I was reminded once again that it is not this world that will last forever. It is God's promise that I will see her and hold her again that keeps me going day to day...I just have to wait a bit longer. And she is worth waiting for.

I can't lie and say the tears have stopped, in fact they have been freely streaming down my face as I write. I do know that I held my sweet Jackson a little tighter and I rubbed my tummy a little sweeter today. I pray you can hold those that are dearest to you a little closer tonight.

And be thankful for the darkness-that is sometimes when you are reminded to look for the Light!

With much love,
Tis

PS...Thanks Aunt Sister for holding my hand through this one! I love you dearly!

Coming Back!

I am coming back to the real world, I think!  I can't wait to update you all on what has been happening with us. Truth is, I have been pretty wiped out the past few months, but I am ready to come out of my quiet place because there is so much to share with you!

For those of you whom I haven't seen or spoken to, or those of you halfway across the world, we are expecting our third blessing!  We are almost 20 weeks pregnant and due October 28, 2011. We are thrilled to have the opportunity to have another child and have been in constant prayer for this Little One's health. I am so happy to report that so far, so good. We did find out last week that we are having a little BOY, so Jackson will have a brother.

I am so sorry I haven't posted in so long-I have honestly been pretty sick with this one. I have been on different meds to help me gain weight and keep the food and liquids down, but so far there hasn't been a magical concoction. Things are getting better, though, and I am hoping to post more regularly...I'd love to catch you up with all of our family happenings and what God has been doing in our lives.  Plus, Jackson is growing up so fast that I can't wait to share more about our Big Boy!

With all the excitement, hopefulness, and love we are feeling, we still ache for our little girl. It is such a strange path...to have such gratefulness and love in your heart sitting alongside the sadness. Honestly, I think this is how our life will be from now on. Little girls are still hard to see and be around. Faith would be 9 months old now and surely decked out in bows on a daily basis. I often imagine the new things she would be learning now and how much fun it would have been to watch. There will never be enough children in our home to take Faith's place or fill the huge hole she has left in our hearts, but we will live on and we will love more than we ever imagined possible.

I am so happy to be back 'home' on here with you. Thank you for being my therapeutic friends, prayer partners, and life breathers.  We go back to the doctor in about 3 weeks (the longest stretch so far!) to see how this Little One is doing and we so appreciate your prayers.  I will be posting to keep you up to date and just share what God has done.

Talk with you all soon,
Tis