Out of the Quiet

Happy New Year to all of you!  I apologize for the quiet of the past few weeks.  We have been busily preparing and celebrating Christmas.  Oh, what a special year it has been for us!  We have loved more and lost more this year than we ever thought possible and, yet, have come out stronger, more secure, and different somehow.

As I reflect upon the past 3 months and even the months prior, I realize how perfectly our God has planned everything.  God knew what I would need to make it through this...it shouldn't be a surprise, but I still marvel at His perfection.  Faith needed to be born at the end of September so that I could physically recover before the Christmas season. You see, our house is completely transformed into a Winter Wonderland beginning the day after Halloween (a bit early, I know)! It takes a while to undo all the 'normal' decor and put up the bows, the glitter, and the lights. I have decided to claim something about myself during this grieving process.  I LOVE sparkle! I love to make things pretty and decorate the normal with a little magic dust. There is something therapeutic for me in making something shine. God knew this about me and planned our grieving season around my most favorite time of the year. This Christmas was not about Shawn or me-it was about Jackson and loving our family. While it has been the hardest and saddest Christmas, it has been extremely healing. We were able to shower our families with trinkets of affection and see their faces light up with delight. We were able to give Jackson a glorious Christmas complete with his own big boy bed (with a ladder!).  So it is really a bunk bed, but he is just excited about his ladder!

Most of all this Christmas, we were able to celebrate what God has done. God has transformed this family in a forever way and we are oh so grateful. We celebrated Jesus' birthday in our church Christmas Eve-funny again how God puts you right where you need to be. Our church gave everyone the opportunity to light a candle for a loved one who was lost so their light could shine with ours during our candlelight service. Faith's candle shown brightly as we sang 'Silent Night.' I just about lost it as we lit her candle until God gave me a reminder of why we are here and why we have a story to share. Another mom overheard us explaining to Jackson why we were lighting a candle. She had lost her child, too, and was lighting a similar candle. We embraced as only mommies who understand the loss can. I loved her that instant and she remains in my prayers. God has put a calling on my heart to help the wounded and I am open to see where He calls our family to go to serve Him and share His Word.

After church we went to Faith's place. I hadn't been there in quite a while-partly because it is so hard and partly because I know she isn't there. The first thing I saw when we drove up was the baby grass that had begun to grow. It pierced my soul. How could it be? We just said 'goodbye.' But it was there...little sprigs reminding me how far away our little girl is and how time continues to go on whether we are ready or not. I have never looked at grass that way before. Usually it is something that we play in or mow or wish was greener. This grass, this baby grass, is different. I am reminded of the song 'Holy Ground.'

We are standing on Holy ground
And I know that there are angels all around
Let us praise Jesus now
For we are standing in His presence on Holy ground.

As I come out of the quiet I am ready to see what God has in store for us. There are still lessons I need to learn-like how to balance remembering our daughter, living life to the fullest with our son, looking forward to future plans for our family (without fear!), and serving others. I know He has a specific plan for us and I anxiously await to see what 2011 has in store. I can't wait to share it with all of you!

Thanks again for staying on this journey with us. Your company and fellowship mean more to us than you know.
With so much love,
L